There's a peace inside when you have the comfort of depression.
It fills the hollow hole of incompleteness.
A lot of people don't get it. The simplicity. How it eats at you. It's worse when someone you love is drowning in it.
Sometimes life isn't fair. It's unjust and cruel. It bites you in the ass every chance it gets and the fight is called life.
It consumes you and all of your relationships which are the founding reasons we as humans are separate from other animals.
The ability to love and be loved is not a fairytale or impossible thing. It's a hard effort to let someone in that close but it is the reason worth the battle itself.
Some people think I'm naive and some think I don't know a clue about anything real,especially you, I'm sure. It's not the first time my heart has been challenged or my soul considered weak. Not the last time that my faith has been questioned and my insight been too strongly said.
It's not the first time I've considered I have no filter or remorse for the truth. It hurts. Just like the struggle of life and death.
It's not the last time I've considered I am helpless and have no ability to save you. It hurts. Just like watching someone fall apart.
I can't help but think, even though I have my faults, that I'm incredibly proud of these very few things:
My ability to love people irrelevant to their reputation, past or issues.
The way I see the truth which stabs and sometimes scorns the comfort of ignorance.
Who I am and have become and all that has made me as strong as I am today, even my flaws.
My freedom to so quickly let people in which can be good and bad for myself because I know right away who is welcome or not.
The altruism that lies heavily on my heart and my incapability to not reach out and give a piece of it. Without that stubbornness and naivety, I'd be hollow myself.
I'll keep reaching out. I'll keep speaking the truth. I'll never not love you. I'll always make my own judgments and I can't hear anything but my heart and yes, I'm proud of that.
Don't challenge my view of the world. Don't challenge my sight and how beautifully I see you, any of you. And damn it, grab my hand if you're sinking. I certainly wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't take that hand once myself. It's a humbling experience.
I've learned a lot about being taken advantage of because people don't have hope in themselves but I have yet to give up.
I've learned a lot about moments I could've or should have helped and didn't, and the result when it was such a simple tug.
There's only so much one person can do, only so many hands to reach out. You have to decide to reach back. To love and be loved. To live and let live. To give and get given to. To bend with the eb and flow of life's quirky moments.
You have your life in your hands, so live it.
And as far as my faith and relationship with God, I'd have to say that I am most proud of and that I have been challenged with the most.
I was watching Evan Almighty and I cried. Joan was unaware she was speaking to God. She doubted her husband and his loyal commitment to serve God so much she left him and this is what God said in regards to the story of Noah's Ark:
God: Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side.
Joan: But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that?
God: Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
MY deepest apology friends
I'm sorry you feel that way. I will always love you.
We could be balancing heavy hearts on opposite zipcodesand have different lives yet still, you are part of me and I love you genuinely. You haven't considered I haven't talked to anyone much.It's not just you I shut out. I lost myself too and I'm just trying to get it back together. I'm very sorry that you feel like that.
There will come times when we both are busy busy with life and months or years may fly byon the wing of "the future". We might only get a few phone calls in or weekends away and suddenly when we really settle down at 50 or so, we'll look back and those seldom moments which were wonderful memories. I don't plan on dis-continuing our friendship.
My license is suspended and I don't lie about your messages? I'm not sure what you mean but get a side kick. Try it out. You'll see. I get text messages really late and voicemails two days later sometimes. My web browser only works when I go to myspace and google and the track ball sticks sometimes and calls 911.You should know my heart. Please don't feel like I am leaving you and never coming home or never talkign to you or getting together. I will live for those moments and cherish them.I'm sorry I haven't been more available to you and I know that. I have been going through a lot that is inaudible and indescribable. When you moved to Maine for your own reasons I remember just thinking how proud I really was of you because I wouldn't know to have the strength you've had. You just kept going even though you were secretly falling apart and I admired you for that. You have flourished into a wonderful mother and a beautiful woman.
When the sky suddenly begins to fall and your world crashes around you, stop and breathe.Gather the peices of yourself and your dignity for you may be the world to someone else.
Love is a verb and I can not love everyone else until I love me. I've got a little soul searching to do. I totally lost myself somewhere along the way but I haven't even had the chance to begin to tell you. I understand you are hurt so it will be a while until we speak again but no matter how much time passes, my respect for you will never change.
Patience-an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
Unconditional-not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.
Understanding-characterized by understanding; prompted by, based on, or demonstrating comprehension, intelligence, discernment, empathy, or the like: an understanding attitude
Time-a period considered with reference to its events or prevailing conditions, tendencies, ideas, etc.
Expectation-the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.
Apologize-To make an apology or excuse; to make acknowledgment of some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it, by way of amends; -- with for;
Forgiveness-1. compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
2. the act of excusing a mistake or offense
If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared.
Love-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause.
We could be balancing heavy hearts on opposite zipcodesand have different lives yet still, you are part of me and I love you genuinely. You haven't considered I haven't talked to anyone much.It's not just you I shut out. I lost myself too and I'm just trying to get it back together. I'm very sorry that you feel like that.
There will come times when we both are busy busy with life and months or years may fly byon the wing of "the future". We might only get a few phone calls in or weekends away and suddenly when we really settle down at 50 or so, we'll look back and those seldom moments which were wonderful memories. I don't plan on dis-continuing our friendship.
My license is suspended and I don't lie about your messages? I'm not sure what you mean but get a side kick. Try it out. You'll see. I get text messages really late and voicemails two days later sometimes. My web browser only works when I go to myspace and google and the track ball sticks sometimes and calls 911.You should know my heart. Please don't feel like I am leaving you and never coming home or never talkign to you or getting together. I will live for those moments and cherish them.I'm sorry I haven't been more available to you and I know that. I have been going through a lot that is inaudible and indescribable. When you moved to Maine for your own reasons I remember just thinking how proud I really was of you because I wouldn't know to have the strength you've had. You just kept going even though you were secretly falling apart and I admired you for that. You have flourished into a wonderful mother and a beautiful woman.
When the sky suddenly begins to fall and your world crashes around you, stop and breathe.Gather the peices of yourself and your dignity for you may be the world to someone else.
Love is a verb and I can not love everyone else until I love me. I've got a little soul searching to do. I totally lost myself somewhere along the way but I haven't even had the chance to begin to tell you. I understand you are hurt so it will be a while until we speak again but no matter how much time passes, my respect for you will never change.
Patience-an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
Unconditional-not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.
Understanding-characterized by understanding; prompted by, based on, or demonstrating comprehension, intelligence, discernment, empathy, or the like: an understanding attitude
Time-a period considered with reference to its events or prevailing conditions, tendencies, ideas, etc.
Expectation-the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.
Apologize-To make an apology or excuse; to make acknowledgment of some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it, by way of amends; -- with for;
Forgiveness-1. compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
2. the act of excusing a mistake or offense
If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared.
Love-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Ballerina
Well momma told me
when I was young
Said sit beside me
my only son
and listen closely
to what I say
and if you do this
it'll help you some sunny day
ah yah
Oh take your time
Don't live too fast
Troubles will come
and they will pass
You'll find a woman
and you'll find love
and don't forget that
there is a someone up above
and be a simple kind of man
Oh be something you love
and understand
baby be a simple kind of man
Oh won't you do this for me son
if you can
Forget your lost
in richmans gold
all that you need now
is in your soul
and you can do this
oh baby
if you try
all that I want from you my son
is to be satisfied
and be a simpe kind of man
be something you love
and understand
so baby be a simple
kind of man
be something you love
and understand
Ohh Yeaaahh
Oh don't you worry
you'll find yourself
follow your heart
and nothin else
and you can do this
oh baby
if you try
all that I want from you
my son
is to be satisfied
and be a simple
kind of man
oh be something you love
and understand
oh baby be a simple
kind of man
oh won't you do this
for me son
if you can
baby be a simple
kind of man
be a simple man
be something
you love and understand
Be a simple kind of man- Lynyrd Skynyrd
I'm not a man but if I could choose what my mother would say to me
about life it would be this. To be simple means not complicated, free of
deceit or guile, common or ordinary, unaffected, unassuming, modest,
humble, not complex, not divided into parts (whole) and being without
additions or modifications.
To enjoy the simple and pure things of this earth such as love and
time.
I don't think I'll ever have the relationship with my mother that
"I want" and I've concluded, that's ok.
I've been going through a maze, very confused like trying to
untangle a knot. I can't figure out why I'm constantly
disappointing her or never getting along.
I think about my relationships in general and I have to admit,
I expect too much of them. Having expectations complicates
things when they're not met and you feel let down all because
of something you thought existed.
I love my mom, a lot. I think about her and worry about her
well being all the time. I wonder how much she'll take of me
and my age. I wonder how I'm ever going to say thanks quite
enough for all that she's given me. She has instilled values that
I could not have if I were somewhere else. I'm grateful for that.
Instead of focusing on what I don't have out of people,
I need to focus on what I do because that is the divine art
and sophistication of human capabilites within a
relationship, love. I need to fully accept I can not and
will never be able to change anyone, only myself
and my own reactions to things and situations.
I'm in control of my opinions, my emotions, my reactions,
my actions and my integrity. I will continually have to remind
myself that even though it seems easy for me to say to them
what I need, or even if it's easy for me to point out what they need,
they won't really learn that little thing about life until they
need it for themselves.
I've never felt more clear and excited about the conscious and
ehilerating decisions I've been making in my life including with
my relationships. Not just ones with those I love, but people
in general. I need to maintan and balance a well efforted
attempt to treat everyone around me with pleasantry and kindness.
I've been cold and harboring a lot of mental and physical pains.
I've been anything but simple and I am astonished I have
thought it was everyone but me's fault.
If the sky is falling and nothing goes right and suddenly your world
begins to crash and fall around you, stop, breathe and
gather the peices of yourself and your dignity because you may be
the world to someone else.
Sometimes the weight and pressure of life can make us all react
vehemently and just maybe sometimes we say or do things to
the people around us, especially those we love or feel closest to,
when we are really lashing out at the possibility we've lost ourselves
in the midst. We need help and won't admit it. Our inability to let
anyone in is what makes us so much more special than any other
creature on this planet. The moment we decide to let these people
into our weird little worlds knowing that if it crashes it's not only
affecting ourselves, but them too, really is worth the fight. It's also
beyond what our normal senses are, it's trust and trust you can't put
your finger tips on. Not having physical attention to the mind, not being
able to see whether someone is trustworthy makes you get to know
their souls on a different level. You have to let them in.
Trust, love and hope are not tangible things we can grasp and without
evidence it's hard to beleive it truly exists so keeping people at an arm's
length is more comfortable and less of a painful adventure to take
when you find out there wasn't any trust at all.
I've reclaimed my life and my actions for the first time and I feel
rejuvenated. I'm a young person. I have a lot to learn and to be humbled
about in the ways of realtionships but I'm sure this is a good start.
I don't think there are enough ways to say I'm sorry to those I've
affected. I couldn't possible take back time or thigns I've said.
I can't change what your reaction was either and I'm sorry
for expecting to be anything but you. I appreciate you for who and whatever
you are irrelevant to the struggles we might face as friends,co-workers, siblings,lovers and relatives.
I'll never feel the weight of your hands
Side mine like diamonds
Lay so far ballerina
Cupcake and my earthquake
Wakes me from my sleep bed
Never comes hardly breathing
Waiting for meI didn't really want you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To you feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
You will always be mine
The room spins
Pull you from me
My body burns
Tell me of the rainbows
The colors that the rain throws
Ballerina dance softly
She knows when to come only
When she's called and slowly
coming to
I didn't really want you
But I need you
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
You will always be
So so sorry
Just come back to me now
So so sorry
Just come back to me now
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Wanted to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out want
to scream out loud
That you will always be mine
when I was young
Said sit beside me
my only son
and listen closely
to what I say
and if you do this
it'll help you some sunny day
ah yah
Oh take your time
Don't live too fast
Troubles will come
and they will pass
You'll find a woman
and you'll find love
and don't forget that
there is a someone up above
and be a simple kind of man
Oh be something you love
and understand
baby be a simple kind of man
Oh won't you do this for me son
if you can
Forget your lost
in richmans gold
all that you need now
is in your soul
and you can do this
oh baby
if you try
all that I want from you my son
is to be satisfied
and be a simpe kind of man
be something you love
and understand
so baby be a simple
kind of man
be something you love
and understand
Ohh Yeaaahh
Oh don't you worry
you'll find yourself
follow your heart
and nothin else
and you can do this
oh baby
if you try
all that I want from you
my son
is to be satisfied
and be a simple
kind of man
oh be something you love
and understand
oh baby be a simple
kind of man
oh won't you do this
for me son
if you can
baby be a simple
kind of man
be a simple man
be something
you love and understand
Be a simple kind of man- Lynyrd Skynyrd
I'm not a man but if I could choose what my mother would say to me
about life it would be this. To be simple means not complicated, free of
deceit or guile, common or ordinary, unaffected, unassuming, modest,
humble, not complex, not divided into parts (whole) and being without
additions or modifications.
To enjoy the simple and pure things of this earth such as love and
time.
I don't think I'll ever have the relationship with my mother that
"I want" and I've concluded, that's ok.
I've been going through a maze, very confused like trying to
untangle a knot. I can't figure out why I'm constantly
disappointing her or never getting along.
I think about my relationships in general and I have to admit,
I expect too much of them. Having expectations complicates
things when they're not met and you feel let down all because
of something you thought existed.
I love my mom, a lot. I think about her and worry about her
well being all the time. I wonder how much she'll take of me
and my age. I wonder how I'm ever going to say thanks quite
enough for all that she's given me. She has instilled values that
I could not have if I were somewhere else. I'm grateful for that.
Instead of focusing on what I don't have out of people,
I need to focus on what I do because that is the divine art
and sophistication of human capabilites within a
relationship, love. I need to fully accept I can not and
will never be able to change anyone, only myself
and my own reactions to things and situations.
I'm in control of my opinions, my emotions, my reactions,
my actions and my integrity. I will continually have to remind
myself that even though it seems easy for me to say to them
what I need, or even if it's easy for me to point out what they need,
they won't really learn that little thing about life until they
need it for themselves.
I've never felt more clear and excited about the conscious and
ehilerating decisions I've been making in my life including with
my relationships. Not just ones with those I love, but people
in general. I need to maintan and balance a well efforted
attempt to treat everyone around me with pleasantry and kindness.
I've been cold and harboring a lot of mental and physical pains.
I've been anything but simple and I am astonished I have
thought it was everyone but me's fault.
If the sky is falling and nothing goes right and suddenly your world
begins to crash and fall around you, stop, breathe and
gather the peices of yourself and your dignity because you may be
the world to someone else.
Sometimes the weight and pressure of life can make us all react
vehemently and just maybe sometimes we say or do things to
the people around us, especially those we love or feel closest to,
when we are really lashing out at the possibility we've lost ourselves
in the midst. We need help and won't admit it. Our inability to let
anyone in is what makes us so much more special than any other
creature on this planet. The moment we decide to let these people
into our weird little worlds knowing that if it crashes it's not only
affecting ourselves, but them too, really is worth the fight. It's also
beyond what our normal senses are, it's trust and trust you can't put
your finger tips on. Not having physical attention to the mind, not being
able to see whether someone is trustworthy makes you get to know
their souls on a different level. You have to let them in.
Trust, love and hope are not tangible things we can grasp and without
evidence it's hard to beleive it truly exists so keeping people at an arm's
length is more comfortable and less of a painful adventure to take
when you find out there wasn't any trust at all.
I've reclaimed my life and my actions for the first time and I feel
rejuvenated. I'm a young person. I have a lot to learn and to be humbled
about in the ways of realtionships but I'm sure this is a good start.
I don't think there are enough ways to say I'm sorry to those I've
affected. I couldn't possible take back time or thigns I've said.
I can't change what your reaction was either and I'm sorry
for expecting to be anything but you. I appreciate you for who and whatever
you are irrelevant to the struggles we might face as friends,co-workers, siblings,lovers and relatives.
I'll never feel the weight of your hands
Side mine like diamonds
Lay so far ballerina
Cupcake and my earthquake
Wakes me from my sleep bed
Never comes hardly breathing
Waiting for meI didn't really want you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To you feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
You will always be mine
The room spins
Pull you from me
My body burns
Tell me of the rainbows
The colors that the rain throws
Ballerina dance softly
She knows when to come only
When she's called and slowly
coming to
I didn't really want you
But I need you
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
You will always be
So so sorry
Just come back to me now
So so sorry
Just come back to me now
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Wanted to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out want
to scream out loud
That you will always be mine
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Some call it freedom. I call it the wind.
So I've made a big decision. I'm moving south. I haven't told many people yet.
Not sure if I will.
I have an urge in my soul to feel free. To feel the wind in my hair all year and
the sun's warming hug.
Maybe I'll actually amount to something you expected, maybe I won't.
Perhaps just maybe I'll be what I wanted.
just for a moment
everything i treasured was gone
just for a moment
i faced my life alone
oh how i love you
just for a moment
the world was full of pain
just for a moment
my luck had finally run out
oh how i love you
the same thing that blew us together
might blow us apart
so keep a piece of me precious
and close to your heart
just for a moment
all of my nightmares came true
just for a moment
my heart was broken in two
oh how i need you
oh how i'd miss you
oh how i love you
I've sat for two years, two very long, hard, painful and reckless years
scrutinizing, fearing and regretting all that I am. I've called it my
reflective stage in life. "I've learned from all my mistakes."
I've sat and wondered on the edge of my seat when this little brush fire will grow.
When will I fly and soar? When will I be free?
I'm not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
To change who I use to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
Did you ever have a day
when it all just came apart?
You thought that this will be the end
I've pulled into the same, wretched, awful, crumbling driveway for years now, dreaming,
seeking, searching, wishing, hoping, fleeing and panicking on when I'll actually
just keep driving one day.
and you still won't hear me.
going under.
Don't want your hand this time,
I'll save myself,
maybe I'll wake up for once.
not tormented daily defeated by you.
just when i thought I reached the bottom.
Did it ever hurt so bad
So vicious, cruel, or sad
You thought that nothing good could come
I see the same four building, quadru-plex, fucked up welfare, drug haven little world covered in snow most of the time and all it's little ticky tacky people and wacky adventures.
Im dying again
I'm going under,
drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
I'm going under
Yeah, take my hand and come with me
Into this crystal village
And see the lights so fried in brightness
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning
Take my hand, come with me
I see the lights so brightly
And we fall as if we never really mattered
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
It was there
And it was good in the beginning
We were there
It was good in the beginning.
I want to live somewhere that if I feel like going camping in December I can. So I can lay on my back in my cocoon of benevolence and examine the skies beauty and magical shine and not have any regrets or pressure about responsibility. So I may be able to walk for miles while I think and feel the wind rush up my back and hear my feet pitter on the pavement.
That's just the way my story goes
Under the sorrow where the blossom grows
There is a darkness
They never show to me
Yeah, I had it pretty good
Growing up late as I could
I was still running around
Then the lightning struck me down
Hit this lonely apple tree down
Now I've been learning as I go
I want to see
I've sat for years like I've said and analyzed every single fucking move I've made.
All my bad decisions, all my inhibitions, all my weaknesses, all my failures, all my flaws and insecurities and all the times I've let you down. I've pushed myself to be the perfect citizen. So what if I want to smoke a joint once in a while? SO what if I like cold Budweiser? So what if I don't want to work in a big metal box building full of ticky tacky people. So what if I don't want to conform to normal? So what if I don't have a bed skirt in my bedroom? So what if my blinds are all different colors? SO what if I'm sexually active? So what if I like my eggs over easy? So what if I'm not married. So what if I am aware that it's not my fault or responsibility you are so sick and lonely.
I'm going under,
drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
I'm going under[going under]
going under [drowning in you]
I'm going under
I'm only 21 and it's not right for me to die with you. So what if I want to be independent? So what if I hit a fucking snowbank. So what if I suck? I already know that. So what if I'm an ex-druggie. I'm clean now. So what if I'm not Kelli? So what if I'm not what you expected?
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear
I came to an epiphany and I've never felt better.
:)After all my self reflecting, all my agony and thinking I've lost you all because of something I did. After placing myself under a magnifying glass wondering what turned you all off, I realized that maybe, it was just life and it's random course.
I grew up and noted it really didn't matter what you thought or if I lost any of you because of the fluxuations in my life then I didn't have you in the first place.
I stood at the door and banged my wrists until they bled for your attention.
I cried one million tears over how much has changed and tried to be optimistic and hang on to the memories each of us have shared.
I'm leaving this place and my pain on your doorstep and I'm not looking back.
That's just the way my story goes
Under the sorrow where the blossom grows
There is a darkness
They never show to me
I've tumbled down into a whirlwind of all the things I haven't done for you.
That I can never and will never be good enough.
All I've established, in each example of fine literature, politics and publicity when someone was a hero to look up to, was that they made it happen. They did. Not anyone else. It wasn't luck. Things happen, some tragic, some life shaking, some earth shattering, some simple, and some so complicated they'll never really get it. But they took the initiative to make it happen. No one is in the right place at the right time, sometimes the wrong.
Thelma and Louise made history. They just up and left and went on a trip and didn't matter the outcome. They didn't know what would happen in the future but they weren't scared of it either and they stuck together, loyally and truthfully.
The Goonies kept going even when their fate was tested. They had a drive and a passion, something called One Eyed Willie if you should ask. Never let the ship sink.
ET made it home.
Three words: Martin Luther King
Titanic, they loved despite of society and the future, they lived together in the moment and died together.
Weeds, she accepted her decisions and what she really is. She owned it and made it work. She let go and greived better than anyone of us could because she got up and made it exciting, instead of dying with the lost.
Jesus beleived in love and people hated him enough to kill him.Oprah came from nothing and became the biggest something there is.
Everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame. Some last a lifetime.
1922: Photography : First mass production photo machine:Arthur C. Pillsbury
1923: Television Electronic: Philo Farnsworth
Alexander Graham Bell- The Telephone
Nicola Tesla- AC power
Albert Einstein-Atomic Bomb (Not as wonderful as we thought) Many people have believed he failed math and classes as a kid. He laughed in spite of opposition and that's what I intend to do.
Alas, Einstein’s childhood offers history many savory ironies, but this is not one of them. In 1935, a rabbi in Princeton showed him a clipping of the Ripley’s column with the headline “Greatest living mathematician failed in mathematics.” Einstein laughed. “I never failed in mathematics,” he replied, correctly. “Before I was fifteen I had mastered differential and integral calculus.” In primary school, he was at the top of his class and “far above the school requirements” in math. By age 12, his sister recalled, “he already had a predilection for solving complicated problems in applied arithmetic,” and he decided to see if he could jump ahead by learning geometry and algebra on his own. His parents bought him the textbooks in advance so that he could master them over summer vacation. Not only did he learn the proofs in the books, he also tackled the new theories by trying to prove them on his own. He even came up on his own with a way to prove the Pythagorean theory. http://www.time.com/time/2007/einstein/3.html
1870: Mobile Gasoline Engine, Automobile: Siegfried Marcus
1876: Carpet sweeper: Melville Bissell
1886: Gasoline engine: Gottlieb Daimler
1928: sliced bread: Otto Frederick Rohwedder
1928: Antibiotics: Alexander Fleming
1946: microwave oven: Percy Spencer
1952: hovercraft: Christopher Cockerell
1955: Velcro: George de Mestral
1971: E-mail: Ray Tomlinson
1974: Heimlich Maneuever: Henry Heimlich
1979: the Walkman: Akio Morita, Masaru Ibuka, Kozo Ohsone
1979: the cellular telephone (first commercially fielded version, NTT)
1985: DNA fingerprinting: Alec Jeffreys
1989: the World Wide Web: Tim Berners-Lee
Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
Barack Obama First African American President 2009
Lincoln was too tall and hairy but he still strived to become president, with amazing values and hard work only to be shot at a young age. Once again making the best of time and what we are given even though a lot of people opposed his new ideas.
Roosevelt stood up one day to declare a state of war with the empire of Japan. He is the only president who was elected and chosen to serve more than the standard, mandatory two terms in office. He had Polio and accomplished numerous things that many healthy, normal, physically active people will never acheive because they don't belive in themselves.
Georgie O'Keefe was rediculed and judged because of her sexual connotations in her paintings. She kept painting beautiful art from her soul and let her sexuality be her guide. She's my hero for that. Without art, we would all be empty shells roaming the earth and waiting for color to fade.
Many people through history, thousands of years, millions of different artists creating and ripping raw human emotion with one fleeting flick of a brush, camera, anguish, happiness, emotion, peice of themselves in every single bit of art that they have produced has been ridiculed, criticized, objected at some point and often unusually seen as outkast. As famous as Micheal Angelo and Picasso, and as simple as the setting sun, these people have captured the essence of love, lust, trust, creation, benevolence, and that special little redeeming glow. I'm not the only one who thinks it's art. -I stole this from another one of my blogs called "Art".
Elf made it to the real world.
Whitney Houston lost herself in the world of drugs and bounced back to sanity.
Mary J.Blidge screamed no more drama and meant it.
Christina Aguilera developed a reputation and made good with God all by herself and established she's still dirty but it's OK because she's made peace with exactly who she is. She's amazing and humble despite of fame.
Britney lost her kids, her husband and her record label and had court dates to prove what kind of human she was because people blasted her on TV and in magazines. She turned her next album into a circus to make a statement which was amazing and outstanding will power to not conform to all you freaks of judgement throwing. She's now the ringleader.
Helen Keller loved without any of the senses we use to define what we think it is and she lived despite of fear from the unknown.James St. James was the first original drag queen in the 20th century. Quite fucked up as it might seem, he owned who he was irrelevant to the surroundings we are presented with. He is truly the definition of fame and glam.
Everywhere we look, irrelevant to what example, genre, backrounds, stipulations, common popularity or statistical opinions, people all over that have caused great controversy and example have not only stood up for what they believed in, acted on their passions and made the best of what they had or didn't, but they accepted, cherished and loved who they are and the decisions they've made they embraced as a story to be told, not a never ending fail.
I might not make history. I might not ever be as rich as Oprah or as famous as James St. James or Einstein but I am going to keep driving and make something of myself for once in my life and embrace really, who I am and my ability to just be me. I will rise in spite of opposition. I will stand in dispute for my beliefs. I will stick up for myself and be proud of the woman I am. I will survive even if my coasters in my apartment aren't all the same colors. I probably won't have any coasters at all now that I think of it.
Don't try to fix me. I'm not broken. I'm impulsive and wreckless, but not dangerous.
I'm going to live with no regrets. I'm not holding back. I'm not going to wake up at 50 one day and think to myself, jeese, I should've traveled. I should've done something more. I should've given myself more credit. I should've been this or should've done that. I should've gone on adventures and tried to make a change. I should've lived.
Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And theres so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way
I can taste the freedom and release of my soul.
I can see my wings loosing feathers to fly.
I can feel my nerve depleting knowing I’m leaving you here
Like this but for the first time I know it’s not all my fault.
I’ve held on as long as I could.
I’ve kept my sanity as much as I should.
I need you to understand I’m not running away.
I’m running to my serendipity, my peace, my calm, my sense of self, my freedom,
My own opinion, a place to call my own.
If you know my heart truly, you will be happy for me and proud that I've actually done it.
You'll also know I am always with you and when you read a book under the shade of a tree,
or listen to Janis at 3 a.m., or rock out to Tom Petty in the middle of Wal-Mart, or look up at the crisp winter sky and see all it's glory and breathe in the icy cold for just one more cigarette,
or pee your pants laughing at something stupid, or listen to the wind rushing by on a hot summer day, you'll know I'm there and with you.
I'm not dead. I'm alive for the first time and only a road trip or phone call away and I love you.
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into some mystery
Deep into that mystery
I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I wont ever have to lose you girl
Wont ever have to say goodbye
I wont ever have to lie
Wont ever have to say goodbye
Yeah na na na na
Yeah na na na na
Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do
Its like my head is filled with lightning girl
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Just don't lie to your heart
This will be the hardest part
But lying on the surface
Everybody's got a dark place
They hold on to
They all go to
Just don't lie to your heart
This will be the hardest part
But lying on the surface
Everybody's got a dark place
They hold on to
Just don't lie to your heart
This will be the hardest part
But lying on the surface
Everybody's got a dark place
They hold on to
They hold on to
We're learning as we go
We're learning as we go
We're learning as we go
We are just learning as we go
We are just learning as we go
We are just learning as we go
We are just learning as we go
Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves.
Robert Neelly Bellah
It's interesting to leave a place, interesting even to think about it. Leaving reminds us of what we can part with and what we can't, then offers us something new to look forward to, to dream about.
Richard Ford
Life loves the liver of it.
Maya Angelou
If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.
Barack Obama
Always fall in with what you're asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever's going. Not against: with.
Robert Frost
And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover's quarrel with the world.
Robert Frost
A certain recluse, I know not who, once said that no bonds attached him to this life, and the only thing he would regret leaving was the sky.
Kenko Yoshida
When our vices leave us, we like to imagine it is we who are leaving them.
Francis de La Rochefoucauld
Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
Lin Yutang
A man builds a house in England with the expectation of living in it and leaving it to his children; we shed our houses in America as easily as a snail does his shell.
Harriet Beecher Stowe
Lyrics from songs by;
Leona Naess
David Gray
Aqualung
Pete Yorn
Hoobastank
Evanescence
One quote from Weeds.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
There are two kinds of people in this world. Some say if you let the world take you over, run over you and flatten you out then you deserve to be crushed, therefore they are the crushers. Then there are the people like myself who give every attempt they've got to inflate again even if it means suppressing the road rashed pain to rebuild who you deserve to be and who you deserve to take care of, yourself. Eventually after rebuilding yourself time and time again, after getting on your belly and fixing that damned old shitbox car again for the fifth time that month, spilling coffee on your favorite dress because someone bumped you and it wasn't your fault, being stuck in situations where you have to find means to re-evaluate and apply more pressure to yourself because you couldn't possibly go to the reunion wearing a coffee dress or missing a day of work because your car shit the bed as usual and oh hell, what would people think?
It's nearly impossible to convince the worlds population that they should consider shit happens.
It's nearly impossible to convince the boss' of the world that people are not expendable.
It's even more difficult to not be stressed about things that are necessary to have in order to survive. We put these ideas in our heads that you have to live in a big house and have ten cars however, the point of a house is shelter and comfort and the point of a car is for travel purposes to get to where you need to be efficiently.
Unfortunately, depends on how you look at it, having a job which pays you money keeps putting gas in the car to get there and where you want to go. That money puts food on your table and pays your heat bill and puts clothes on your back because not everyone has everything handed to them. Food is a necessity in order to live. Some people build farms, some people barter and trade and exchange for necessities, but not in America. You can't trade your car for a fridge full of meat very easily. Money talks. There is something about the paycheck that makes you go back.
All this pressure from these systems builds up on everyone. Greed, money, wealth, power, luxury and selfishness are the driving factors for the usual American economy.
That stress that's been added since the day we are born and continually reminds us that nothing in life is free builds up too. I know I can't convince Oprah that it's not fair. I can't convince Trump that he's selfish and greedy. I can't shout out to the world that no one should have two houses because some people have none because communism only looks good on paper.
I have to do it myself just like every other typical American. Some people do things that are unnecessary out of pride and self righteousness in order to earn an income and it doesn't matter who they crush underneath. I'm ranting about this because my stresses in life are primarily the same as everyone elses. Yes I need to deal with them better and yes I can't do anything to get to work if my car is dead. I won't get fired because the alarm didn't go off. The world isn't ending because I'm not appreciated at my job, at least I have one. Yelling doesn't make my engine start.
Screaming doesn't make me wake up an hour earlier. Punching the wall doesn't make me feel better it just hurts my hand but let me tell you I am not the only human who feels pressured in this Greed forsaken world. I guess I'll die trying and screaming, flailing and crying, punching and kicking my way through. At least I'm doing it.
I guess you would all think I bitch a lot. If I read through most of my blogs, some of them just stupid in general, I see myself overwhelmed and rambling. This is a lot like my life. Often times I don't record what's so amazing about life because more times than not, there's nothing. Which leaves the good times rare and extra special to my heart. Perhaps I'm crazy like I've said. I'm sure a shrink would have a feild day investigating my brain and my past however, I'd like to just say that sometimes, life isn't so pretty. I read your blog. You told me life is hard so get a helmet. Technically, they label it depression of some sort. I'd like to call it Oppression. Weighted down by the harsh reality and stubborness of man and all it's institutions.
What exactly is it that we stand for as a human race? You'd think the bottom line was the ability to live. That seems to be the motto in my generation, live and let live, laugh, love and play despite the cruel and wicked ways of this unnatural world we exibit. We have to trudge through like nothing fails us. We have to put on a happy face because no one gives two shits anymore if you're secretly loosing it all.We've set limits, standars, rules and regulations by govern or social acceptance to justify and define the word normal. Really, look it up in the dictionary.
Well eventually as I was saying, FUCK people and their opinions. Eventually you rise above, inflate yourself and walk into the reunion with a coffee smelling dress and have a great funny story to tell. Or you decide you're not going to get neumonia from laying in the snow and you're going to call work and curl up on the couch that day and actually breathe for a minute.Eventually, just maybe, you find a way to deal, to cope, to laugh whether it's a crazy moment when you need to let it out when you're standing in your shower all alone and crying so hard you can't stand up where people can't see you or redicule you. Or you scream so loud and hard while driving your shitbox car all alone that you loose your voice for a week. You find that moment that gives you derivitive, integrity and determination to prove life wrong and it's faulty objections to this "normal" atmosphere we call life.Life doesn't have to be shit.
You've repeated over and over again that I need to de-stress. It's true. I do and I fully agree.It isn't healthy. It's the weight of a ton. I hear you when you said it made you nervous with how much I carry. I heard you when you said that I can't control everything. Once again you're right.I can't. However, I can control myself, my actions, reactions and my own direction. I'm not leaving life out there to find me, I'll find it so I don't agree with that. I think that it's impossible to be on the pursuit of happiness, you just achieve and create it. Things happen and yes, they are out of our control but don't take away my right to control what I can and how I feel, even if it's a fleeting moment where I have a dumb thought or projected mistake. I don't wear my pathetic thoughts of self loathing like Versace, just my heart on my sleeve as usual.
I may be impulsive and reckless, but I'm not dangerous.
It's nearly impossible to convince the worlds population that they should consider shit happens.
It's nearly impossible to convince the boss' of the world that people are not expendable.
It's even more difficult to not be stressed about things that are necessary to have in order to survive. We put these ideas in our heads that you have to live in a big house and have ten cars however, the point of a house is shelter and comfort and the point of a car is for travel purposes to get to where you need to be efficiently.
Unfortunately, depends on how you look at it, having a job which pays you money keeps putting gas in the car to get there and where you want to go. That money puts food on your table and pays your heat bill and puts clothes on your back because not everyone has everything handed to them. Food is a necessity in order to live. Some people build farms, some people barter and trade and exchange for necessities, but not in America. You can't trade your car for a fridge full of meat very easily. Money talks. There is something about the paycheck that makes you go back.
All this pressure from these systems builds up on everyone. Greed, money, wealth, power, luxury and selfishness are the driving factors for the usual American economy.
That stress that's been added since the day we are born and continually reminds us that nothing in life is free builds up too. I know I can't convince Oprah that it's not fair. I can't convince Trump that he's selfish and greedy. I can't shout out to the world that no one should have two houses because some people have none because communism only looks good on paper.
I have to do it myself just like every other typical American. Some people do things that are unnecessary out of pride and self righteousness in order to earn an income and it doesn't matter who they crush underneath. I'm ranting about this because my stresses in life are primarily the same as everyone elses. Yes I need to deal with them better and yes I can't do anything to get to work if my car is dead. I won't get fired because the alarm didn't go off. The world isn't ending because I'm not appreciated at my job, at least I have one. Yelling doesn't make my engine start.
Screaming doesn't make me wake up an hour earlier. Punching the wall doesn't make me feel better it just hurts my hand but let me tell you I am not the only human who feels pressured in this Greed forsaken world. I guess I'll die trying and screaming, flailing and crying, punching and kicking my way through. At least I'm doing it.
I guess you would all think I bitch a lot. If I read through most of my blogs, some of them just stupid in general, I see myself overwhelmed and rambling. This is a lot like my life. Often times I don't record what's so amazing about life because more times than not, there's nothing. Which leaves the good times rare and extra special to my heart. Perhaps I'm crazy like I've said. I'm sure a shrink would have a feild day investigating my brain and my past however, I'd like to just say that sometimes, life isn't so pretty. I read your blog. You told me life is hard so get a helmet. Technically, they label it depression of some sort. I'd like to call it Oppression. Weighted down by the harsh reality and stubborness of man and all it's institutions.
What exactly is it that we stand for as a human race? You'd think the bottom line was the ability to live. That seems to be the motto in my generation, live and let live, laugh, love and play despite the cruel and wicked ways of this unnatural world we exibit. We have to trudge through like nothing fails us. We have to put on a happy face because no one gives two shits anymore if you're secretly loosing it all.We've set limits, standars, rules and regulations by govern or social acceptance to justify and define the word normal. Really, look it up in the dictionary.
Well eventually as I was saying, FUCK people and their opinions. Eventually you rise above, inflate yourself and walk into the reunion with a coffee smelling dress and have a great funny story to tell. Or you decide you're not going to get neumonia from laying in the snow and you're going to call work and curl up on the couch that day and actually breathe for a minute.Eventually, just maybe, you find a way to deal, to cope, to laugh whether it's a crazy moment when you need to let it out when you're standing in your shower all alone and crying so hard you can't stand up where people can't see you or redicule you. Or you scream so loud and hard while driving your shitbox car all alone that you loose your voice for a week. You find that moment that gives you derivitive, integrity and determination to prove life wrong and it's faulty objections to this "normal" atmosphere we call life.Life doesn't have to be shit.
You've repeated over and over again that I need to de-stress. It's true. I do and I fully agree.It isn't healthy. It's the weight of a ton. I hear you when you said it made you nervous with how much I carry. I heard you when you said that I can't control everything. Once again you're right.I can't. However, I can control myself, my actions, reactions and my own direction. I'm not leaving life out there to find me, I'll find it so I don't agree with that. I think that it's impossible to be on the pursuit of happiness, you just achieve and create it. Things happen and yes, they are out of our control but don't take away my right to control what I can and how I feel, even if it's a fleeting moment where I have a dumb thought or projected mistake. I don't wear my pathetic thoughts of self loathing like Versace, just my heart on my sleeve as usual.
I may be impulsive and reckless, but I'm not dangerous.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
A little bit crazy
Sometimes just maybe
I'm a little bit crazy
and I cuss and swear
and pull out my hair
when life just seems a little too much
I tend not to give a fuck
Sometimes I want to scream
and sometimes I'm mean
I yell and shout
and flail my arms all about
and loose my sense of self
And sometimes just maybe
I'm a little bit crazy
when life comes at me
as much as I try not to be
things just never work out
and I'm nutty, no doubt
Sometimes when I've had enough
I stomp and I huff and I puff
and I push and I hurt
and I really exert
everything that you see
Everything I am, crazy, that's me
Once in great while
I go silent and begin to smile
and I can't speak
and I feel incredibly weak
and I give up on being tough
because it isn't quite enough
If I hurt you, forgive me
If I push you, let me be
If I can't speak, stay silently
If I scream, hold on to me
If I cry, embrace my heart
because I'm falling apart
and if I walk away
I won't get far anyway
After so many days like this
when there isn't a trace of life's bliss
and nothing goes right
by the end of the night
and I'm stuck in a frozen moment
I own it
to avoid hurting any of you
because sometimes, just maybe I don't know what to do
When I look around and see
no such trace of opportunity
to have one day where something goes right
I crash my plight
I give my hopes and dreams
and rip apart at the seems
Sometimes I'm a little bit crazy
just maybe
I found these images on google image search
I remember one fine afternoon when the sun was bright and it was really hot out, we dug a hole in the front yard. Your little hands grabbed the hose and pulled with all your might. People passing by might think we looked a bit mischievous. One skinny ragamuffin and a chubby “Twinkie muncher”, butts in the air, trying to dig a hole is probably quite a site to see. I think you were wearing green 80's shorts and a flowery tank top. Perhaps that's another memory. You must have been about 8 and your hair was shoulder length and frizzy from the heat but straight none the less and your freckles laughed with you.
We filled the hole, which was only a foot wide and deep, with water, brown water. We stuck our toes in all the way to the bottom and squished them all around even though I opposed how cucky it was, making me feel the mud and giggling at the idea of bugs and creepy crawly things attacking our toes.
I realized that perhaps you were stuck with me and how unfair it was to be stuck with a kid two whole years younger who was afraid to cuss or pee outside. I would’ve had fun with me too. I was gullible.
We were alone a lot, left with only our imaginations and things to build, make or cook. Our biggest worries were waiting for Ed to get home to raid his truck of change for fries at the deli.
You made me swear for the first time and I'm really fucking glad you did.
You scared the senseless out of me and the whines of stupidity.
You made me toughen up and watch Forrest, Freddie and Chuckie.
You wailed and cried to the Titanic song on your Sony boom box and introduced me to love stories and the idea that love is a battlefield.
You recorded my ramblings like they were works of art to laugh to the pit of your stomach after we ate dinner. I'm surprised you don't have My Uncle Meinie with the Shiny Heinie story published. In fact, I'm even more surprised you remembered to write it in a birthday card once.
You painted my face when I feel asleep and I wasn't suppose to, with God knows what.
You laughed really hard when I farted in Ed's leather chair.
You convinced me you were light as a feather, stiff as a board and I was superwoman with two fingers of strength and could do anything!
You tickled me until I peed.
You spent hours, summers, days and weeks trying to occupy my mind from how harsh life really was and you are my hero for gritting your teeth through all my kicking and screaming, pooping and crying, falling and spilling and complaining and tattling and listening to me sing, and talk and rant and rave that I couldn’t put my own hair in a pony tail.
You taught me the never ending importance of time since you have always been two years older and that is all the difference.
Most of all, you taught me how to make something out of nothing and introduced me to the simple pleasures in life, like sticking my toes in mud because we didn't have a swimming pool. Or playing in the rain because I didn't have a new jacket and eating fresh blueberries, mashed potatoes, eggs and corn for breakfast because we were alone and trying to make the best because Ed didn't come home in time so we could raid the Bronco.
Some people say it’s a pursuit of happiness. I don’t think you can pursue something you always have the opportunity to achieve, you just make it.
You have instilled much greater things in my life than just some funny memories, you saved me from a broken home and many sad, lonely days.
You taught me how to forget that life wasn’t simple.
You gave me hope in myself even though I doubted everything around me.
You taught me how to wipe my ass.
You taught me how to do my hair and when there was something I couldn’t or wouldn’t do, Darlene , you did it anyway, teaching me responsibility. After all, you did take me in when you was just two and and itty bitty baby I was at your door, you couldn't resist my smile.
When I entered culinary school, they made me write an essay to try and win a scholarship for my books and knife bag.
I don’t think I ever told you but you helped me win a two thousand dollar scholarship.
I wrote about my passion for cooking and where it came from and if I recall, it stemmed from being served by you and flourishing into Rosie O’Donnell at a moment’s notice. Of course in my essay I didn't go into details, Rosie isn't so cool now, but you get the jist.
I can officially say I’ve had lunch with Madonna.
When someone smells hotdogs, they think of going to Fenway with their grandpa.
When someone bites into a fresh batch of “Ratatouille” and it brings tears to their eyes because they are reminded of their mother or when you discover how good fresh avocado tastes for the first time and bite into a ripe peach with it’s sweet bliss, you not only tap into their taste buds, but their memory and their hearts.
I still know every word to The Little Mermaid songs.
I’ve never felt more special and served than I did when I was Rosie even if it was only the best potatoes I’ve ever had, you have far surpassed any cook I’ve ever met because you cook with love and laughter.
I love it when you push me down a hill. :)
I still have that passion to serve. I’ve learned from the best.
I just don’t think you know how much you have positively affected everything that I am and strive to be.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, including loosing you somewhere along the lines of adulthood.
I had a period where I lost my sense of those values and remained in awe at how simple it was to loose myself amongst other things like my keys and moments I can’t take back.
I’ve spent uncountable and painful hours reflecting, days finding and months trying to rebuild myself and push myself to improve. I’ve spent so much time fretting and worrying and pushing and working hard and searching for something I’ve always had in front of me that I’ve let it slip right past and by. I give up on the pursuit and really, I can’t wait for Pawtuckaway to open and spend summer days screaming under water with Madelyn.
The ability to laugh and play, serve and love, give and praise, stick my toes in the mud even though there might be dangers in the waters. It’s called integrity, patience, kindness, selflessness, and the ever precedent time which tells all.
You were born with these magical things. You have flourished into an amazing woman, friend and mother and I couldn’t think of anyone better to be my role model and to give back to, I just don’t know how. To think that I’ve done something to disappoint you where you won’t talk to me much, hang out, visit, or respond to my e-mails about the baby’s christening makes me worried. I never meant to aggravate you. I always just do.
Either way, perhaps I’ve never fully told you how much I am grateful for you and how much I love you. I certainly haven’t been showing it. I’m sure that not all is lost since life is busy and sometimes time goes by and we might not see each other often in between with kids, work, school and bills however, I thought you should know, you are always with me, always supporting me, always giving me guts in the back of my head and I’ll never ever forget all the wonderful times we spent, cussing, peeing our pants and watching all time famous movies and sitcoms.
To serve:
24. to provide with a regular or continuous supply of something. (Happiness, Values, Laughter, Love)
28. to gratify (desire, wants, needs, etc.) (Sympathy, appreciation)
33. serve one right, to treat one as one deserves (Equality, friendship and justice)
To do:
4. to put forth; exert: Do your best. (Integrity)
6. to render, give, or pay (Responsibility)
14. to create, form, or bring into being: (Excitement)
25. to proceed: to do wisely (Common sense)
26. to get along; fare; manage: (Optimism)
I could rattle more pages about what it’s like having you as just a memory but I think you get the point and I’m sorry I haven’t made myself more available to you.
When I say I’m around and I’m only a phone call away and I’d like to see you more, I mean it. I can deal without weed and cigarettes for an afternoon just to hang out and maybe create excitement with your kid.
Leaving early that day does not show a good example, but I mean it when I say thank you for everything you’ve given me and I hope God blesses your life and fulfills your every dream of creating happiness and content.
We filled the hole, which was only a foot wide and deep, with water, brown water. We stuck our toes in all the way to the bottom and squished them all around even though I opposed how cucky it was, making me feel the mud and giggling at the idea of bugs and creepy crawly things attacking our toes.
I realized that perhaps you were stuck with me and how unfair it was to be stuck with a kid two whole years younger who was afraid to cuss or pee outside. I would’ve had fun with me too. I was gullible.
We were alone a lot, left with only our imaginations and things to build, make or cook. Our biggest worries were waiting for Ed to get home to raid his truck of change for fries at the deli.
You made me swear for the first time and I'm really fucking glad you did.
You scared the senseless out of me and the whines of stupidity.
You made me toughen up and watch Forrest, Freddie and Chuckie.
You wailed and cried to the Titanic song on your Sony boom box and introduced me to love stories and the idea that love is a battlefield.
You recorded my ramblings like they were works of art to laugh to the pit of your stomach after we ate dinner. I'm surprised you don't have My Uncle Meinie with the Shiny Heinie story published. In fact, I'm even more surprised you remembered to write it in a birthday card once.
You painted my face when I feel asleep and I wasn't suppose to, with God knows what.
You laughed really hard when I farted in Ed's leather chair.
You convinced me you were light as a feather, stiff as a board and I was superwoman with two fingers of strength and could do anything!
You tickled me until I peed.
You spent hours, summers, days and weeks trying to occupy my mind from how harsh life really was and you are my hero for gritting your teeth through all my kicking and screaming, pooping and crying, falling and spilling and complaining and tattling and listening to me sing, and talk and rant and rave that I couldn’t put my own hair in a pony tail.
You taught me the never ending importance of time since you have always been two years older and that is all the difference.
Most of all, you taught me how to make something out of nothing and introduced me to the simple pleasures in life, like sticking my toes in mud because we didn't have a swimming pool. Or playing in the rain because I didn't have a new jacket and eating fresh blueberries, mashed potatoes, eggs and corn for breakfast because we were alone and trying to make the best because Ed didn't come home in time so we could raid the Bronco.
Some people say it’s a pursuit of happiness. I don’t think you can pursue something you always have the opportunity to achieve, you just make it.
You have instilled much greater things in my life than just some funny memories, you saved me from a broken home and many sad, lonely days.
You taught me how to forget that life wasn’t simple.
You gave me hope in myself even though I doubted everything around me.
You taught me how to wipe my ass.
You taught me how to do my hair and when there was something I couldn’t or wouldn’t do, Darlene , you did it anyway, teaching me responsibility. After all, you did take me in when you was just two and and itty bitty baby I was at your door, you couldn't resist my smile.
When I entered culinary school, they made me write an essay to try and win a scholarship for my books and knife bag.
I don’t think I ever told you but you helped me win a two thousand dollar scholarship.
I wrote about my passion for cooking and where it came from and if I recall, it stemmed from being served by you and flourishing into Rosie O’Donnell at a moment’s notice. Of course in my essay I didn't go into details, Rosie isn't so cool now, but you get the jist.
I can officially say I’ve had lunch with Madonna.
When someone smells hotdogs, they think of going to Fenway with their grandpa.
When someone bites into a fresh batch of “Ratatouille” and it brings tears to their eyes because they are reminded of their mother or when you discover how good fresh avocado tastes for the first time and bite into a ripe peach with it’s sweet bliss, you not only tap into their taste buds, but their memory and their hearts.
I still know every word to The Little Mermaid songs.
I’ve never felt more special and served than I did when I was Rosie even if it was only the best potatoes I’ve ever had, you have far surpassed any cook I’ve ever met because you cook with love and laughter.
I love it when you push me down a hill. :)
I still have that passion to serve. I’ve learned from the best.
I just don’t think you know how much you have positively affected everything that I am and strive to be.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, including loosing you somewhere along the lines of adulthood.
I had a period where I lost my sense of those values and remained in awe at how simple it was to loose myself amongst other things like my keys and moments I can’t take back.
I’ve spent uncountable and painful hours reflecting, days finding and months trying to rebuild myself and push myself to improve. I’ve spent so much time fretting and worrying and pushing and working hard and searching for something I’ve always had in front of me that I’ve let it slip right past and by. I give up on the pursuit and really, I can’t wait for Pawtuckaway to open and spend summer days screaming under water with Madelyn.
The ability to laugh and play, serve and love, give and praise, stick my toes in the mud even though there might be dangers in the waters. It’s called integrity, patience, kindness, selflessness, and the ever precedent time which tells all.
You were born with these magical things. You have flourished into an amazing woman, friend and mother and I couldn’t think of anyone better to be my role model and to give back to, I just don’t know how. To think that I’ve done something to disappoint you where you won’t talk to me much, hang out, visit, or respond to my e-mails about the baby’s christening makes me worried. I never meant to aggravate you. I always just do.
Either way, perhaps I’ve never fully told you how much I am grateful for you and how much I love you. I certainly haven’t been showing it. I’m sure that not all is lost since life is busy and sometimes time goes by and we might not see each other often in between with kids, work, school and bills however, I thought you should know, you are always with me, always supporting me, always giving me guts in the back of my head and I’ll never ever forget all the wonderful times we spent, cussing, peeing our pants and watching all time famous movies and sitcoms.
To serve:
24. to provide with a regular or continuous supply of something. (Happiness, Values, Laughter, Love)
28. to gratify (desire, wants, needs, etc.) (Sympathy, appreciation)
33. serve one right, to treat one as one deserves (Equality, friendship and justice)
To do:
4. to put forth; exert: Do your best. (Integrity)
6. to render, give, or pay (Responsibility)
14. to create, form, or bring into being: (Excitement)
25. to proceed: to do wisely (Common sense)
26. to get along; fare; manage: (Optimism)
I could rattle more pages about what it’s like having you as just a memory but I think you get the point and I’m sorry I haven’t made myself more available to you.
When I say I’m around and I’m only a phone call away and I’d like to see you more, I mean it. I can deal without weed and cigarettes for an afternoon just to hang out and maybe create excitement with your kid.
Leaving early that day does not show a good example, but I mean it when I say thank you for everything you’ve given me and I hope God blesses your life and fulfills your every dream of creating happiness and content.
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