I remember one fine afternoon when the sun was bright and it was really hot out, we dug a hole in the front yard. Your little hands grabbed the hose and pulled with all your might. People passing by might think we looked a bit mischievous. One skinny ragamuffin and a chubby “Twinkie muncher”, butts in the air, trying to dig a hole is probably quite a site to see. I think you were wearing green 80's shorts and a flowery tank top. Perhaps that's another memory. You must have been about 8 and your hair was shoulder length and frizzy from the heat but straight none the less and your freckles laughed with you.
We filled the hole, which was only a foot wide and deep, with water, brown water. We stuck our toes in all the way to the bottom and squished them all around even though I opposed how cucky it was, making me feel the mud and giggling at the idea of bugs and creepy crawly things attacking our toes.
I realized that perhaps you were stuck with me and how unfair it was to be stuck with a kid two whole years younger who was afraid to cuss or pee outside. I would’ve had fun with me too. I was gullible.
We were alone a lot, left with only our imaginations and things to build, make or cook. Our biggest worries were waiting for Ed to get home to raid his truck of change for fries at the deli.
You made me swear for the first time and I'm really fucking glad you did.
You scared the senseless out of me and the whines of stupidity.
You made me toughen up and watch Forrest, Freddie and Chuckie.
You wailed and cried to the Titanic song on your Sony boom box and introduced me to love stories and the idea that love is a battlefield.
You recorded my ramblings like they were works of art to laugh to the pit of your stomach after we ate dinner. I'm surprised you don't have My Uncle Meinie with the Shiny Heinie story published. In fact, I'm even more surprised you remembered to write it in a birthday card once.
You painted my face when I feel asleep and I wasn't suppose to, with God knows what.
You laughed really hard when I farted in Ed's leather chair.
You convinced me you were light as a feather, stiff as a board and I was superwoman with two fingers of strength and could do anything!
You tickled me until I peed.
You spent hours, summers, days and weeks trying to occupy my mind from how harsh life really was and you are my hero for gritting your teeth through all my kicking and screaming, pooping and crying, falling and spilling and complaining and tattling and listening to me sing, and talk and rant and rave that I couldn’t put my own hair in a pony tail.
You taught me the never ending importance of time since you have always been two years older and that is all the difference.
Most of all, you taught me how to make something out of nothing and introduced me to the simple pleasures in life, like sticking my toes in mud because we didn't have a swimming pool. Or playing in the rain because I didn't have a new jacket and eating fresh blueberries, mashed potatoes, eggs and corn for breakfast because we were alone and trying to make the best because Ed didn't come home in time so we could raid the Bronco.
Some people say it’s a pursuit of happiness. I don’t think you can pursue something you always have the opportunity to achieve, you just make it.
You have instilled much greater things in my life than just some funny memories, you saved me from a broken home and many sad, lonely days.
You taught me how to forget that life wasn’t simple.
You gave me hope in myself even though I doubted everything around me.
You taught me how to wipe my ass.
You taught me how to do my hair and when there was something I couldn’t or wouldn’t do, Darlene , you did it anyway, teaching me responsibility. After all, you did take me in when you was just two and and itty bitty baby I was at your door, you couldn't resist my smile.
When I entered culinary school, they made me write an essay to try and win a scholarship for my books and knife bag.
I don’t think I ever told you but you helped me win a two thousand dollar scholarship.
I wrote about my passion for cooking and where it came from and if I recall, it stemmed from being served by you and flourishing into Rosie O’Donnell at a moment’s notice. Of course in my essay I didn't go into details, Rosie isn't so cool now, but you get the jist.
I can officially say I’ve had lunch with Madonna.
When someone smells hotdogs, they think of going to Fenway with their grandpa.
When someone bites into a fresh batch of “Ratatouille” and it brings tears to their eyes because they are reminded of their mother or when you discover how good fresh avocado tastes for the first time and bite into a ripe peach with it’s sweet bliss, you not only tap into their taste buds, but their memory and their hearts.
I still know every word to The Little Mermaid songs.
I’ve never felt more special and served than I did when I was Rosie even if it was only the best potatoes I’ve ever had, you have far surpassed any cook I’ve ever met because you cook with love and laughter.
I love it when you push me down a hill. :)
I still have that passion to serve. I’ve learned from the best.
I just don’t think you know how much you have positively affected everything that I am and strive to be.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, including loosing you somewhere along the lines of adulthood.
I had a period where I lost my sense of those values and remained in awe at how simple it was to loose myself amongst other things like my keys and moments I can’t take back.
I’ve spent uncountable and painful hours reflecting, days finding and months trying to rebuild myself and push myself to improve. I’ve spent so much time fretting and worrying and pushing and working hard and searching for something I’ve always had in front of me that I’ve let it slip right past and by. I give up on the pursuit and really, I can’t wait for Pawtuckaway to open and spend summer days screaming under water with Madelyn.
The ability to laugh and play, serve and love, give and praise, stick my toes in the mud even though there might be dangers in the waters. It’s called integrity, patience, kindness, selflessness, and the ever precedent time which tells all.
You were born with these magical things. You have flourished into an amazing woman, friend and mother and I couldn’t think of anyone better to be my role model and to give back to, I just don’t know how. To think that I’ve done something to disappoint you where you won’t talk to me much, hang out, visit, or respond to my e-mails about the baby’s christening makes me worried. I never meant to aggravate you. I always just do.
Either way, perhaps I’ve never fully told you how much I am grateful for you and how much I love you. I certainly haven’t been showing it. I’m sure that not all is lost since life is busy and sometimes time goes by and we might not see each other often in between with kids, work, school and bills however, I thought you should know, you are always with me, always supporting me, always giving me guts in the back of my head and I’ll never ever forget all the wonderful times we spent, cussing, peeing our pants and watching all time famous movies and sitcoms.
To serve:
24. to provide with a regular or continuous supply of something. (Happiness, Values, Laughter, Love)
28. to gratify (desire, wants, needs, etc.) (Sympathy, appreciation)
33. serve one right, to treat one as one deserves (Equality, friendship and justice)
To do:
4. to put forth; exert: Do your best. (Integrity)
6. to render, give, or pay (Responsibility)
14. to create, form, or bring into being: (Excitement)
25. to proceed: to do wisely (Common sense)
26. to get along; fare; manage: (Optimism)
I could rattle more pages about what it’s like having you as just a memory but I think you get the point and I’m sorry I haven’t made myself more available to you.
When I say I’m around and I’m only a phone call away and I’d like to see you more, I mean it. I can deal without weed and cigarettes for an afternoon just to hang out and maybe create excitement with your kid.
Leaving early that day does not show a good example, but I mean it when I say thank you for everything you’ve given me and I hope God blesses your life and fulfills your every dream of creating happiness and content.