Mothers be good to your daughters. Daughters will love like you do.

im growing into a woman now. things are always changing from my taste buds to my hips. my perogative and my maturity have greatly increased to young adult. my priorities are re-arranging and im trying so hard to take the steps in life to do well, succeed and not only take care of myself but respect myself. and the people around me. all i ask from the ones i love, not from money or worldly possessions, is respect and honesty... does that seem too much? i will never gain respect with my mother and that kills me the most.. she's suppose to be stern yet graceful when i need help or advice.. shes suppose to smile when she talks to me, and not seem so bothered to hear my voice. she needs to love me again..she's suppose to be my mom, that one person in the world i can always love, i can always turn to, i can have always.. no one can replace your mother.. i've lost her trust in a lot of ways since highschool.. i've done so many things i'm not proud of but i can never take it back and they have become part of who i am.. i wouldn't trade all my bad experiences for any good ones otherwise i wouldn 't know what good really was.. i wouldn't appreciate something that was the same all the time.. i cant say im sorry to her anymore than by changing, growing and learning from my mistakes... one of them is how i speak to and with her.. i've been dilligently trying to refrain from using swears when im upset or raising my voice.. but she continues for months now to cuss me out, to make me feel like shit as a human being.. and when i bring it to her attention that i wont tolerate how she talks to me or even if i say it rationally, "I'm not yelling or cussing at you please stop" or nicely "I would really appreciate it if you could please talk and communicate with me better because i'm trying too" she flips out either way.. it's bogus.. this is the last straw tonight. she is so bitter i cant take it anymore.. i've done nothing but continually change myself for the better for her and in the meantime take care of me for once.. and when i stand up for myself.. when i say anything.. she denies it.she never does anything wrong. she says i'm going to give her a heart attack in her sleep because i always send her to bed upset.. does she know how much that hurts since Connie just passed away in her sleep from a heart attack? does she know how much i love her?that i couldn't live without her? what have i done as a daughter? what have i done as a human being? what have i done that is this bad? then on her way up the stairs she says something about bringing me into this world.. im not sure what she said completely but in the muttering words it hurt my feelings.. im sorry you regret me.. she says "yeah you've got a new job fuck your mother. go ahead and move out on me its what you're waiting for" and her voice trails into her room with a "little shit" after it while the door slams.. i yelled back " i was planning on giving you money when i get my first check and once a week after that! you are so mean!"i'm sorry i've been such a neusance.. such an obligation.. such a waste of space.. i'm sorry i've lost your trust and your respect.. i'm sorry i'm not good enoughi'm sorry i'm sorry im alive