May I SHIT in peace!?!

I pulled in the drive way. It was raining outside and the sparkles on the windsheild intensified this usual view and sitting before me was my back yard, open to our small, fucked up community. Sometimes, when the weather is nice, the view of the sky is more than beautiful. It's open and there to remind me I'm not alone, but like the windsheild, the rain inside my being matches the weather and smudges my own reality.
I can tell already that the lump in my throat that appears every time I pull in my driveway is getting bigger. This awful dread in my being holds me from wanting to go inside with rapid force. This fear raises my anxiety, my heart races.
That same routine I was talking about before, how everyday is the same, every moment is even more uninteresting, well, I walked up to the door, as usual, and that lump was over powered by obligation. I stepped inside, put my things down where I normally put them, look around the house, proceed to go upstairs and into my room. I peel my kitchen style clothes off, and a layer of my dignity.
The average human takes a good shit on a regular basis, and without warning. It comes when it wants to and is naturally untimed. Sometimes when you gotta go, you just gotta go. I just barely sat and started combing my hair, when my mother bangs open the door. Half awake, half dead sometimes and bitchy she yells in a panic:
"Heidi! Damn it! Get up! The piss is running down my leg! Oh you asshole! Whatever!" still yelling while I try to hurry and collect myself, butt naked and run back into my room. Why can't I at least SHIT in peace God?Stupid thing is this is not the first time this has happened. It happens everytime I try to relax for one minute and now it's invading my privacy. I know her bladder doesn't work. I understand that a lot of her doesn't work, but my soul and my mind is sooo tired. I just want at least a few minutes alone, whether it be to poop, or not to poop, I need a vacation.
I fight with my friends because I can't promise them my time. I push away my own needs for hers. I try so hard to remember that her body is falling apart before I get angy. I walk away when she's bitchy and try really hard to refrain from screaming back but my anger is not directed at her. I buy nice groceries, I try to feed her well, I'm supportive when she's sick and two minutes later I find out she's eating Dove bars at midnight, cheeseburgers when there is better stuff to eat in the house. I sit back and watch her be attacked by all these diseases, I watch her body and soul suffer from pain and her complaints of stiff joints, but yet a cheeseburger, A FUCKING CHEESEBURGER!!! I love her so much I do get angry. I love her so much I want to push myself away from her so when she does pass away it won't hurt as much as if she died tomorrow but my heart won't let me do that. A CHEESEBURGER!! I want to fix her. I want to fix her mind, make her take care of herself, but no.. A CHEESEBURGER, or she visits Joe for twenty minutes and won't get out of bed for two weeks. A MOTHER FUCKING CHEESEBURGER!!
I have given up, with all my flags up rooted, my victory lost, I subside to just crying half the time because I have learned very slowly that nothing and no one will change her.
I can't change the people around me. I can't give them all better lives. I can't hold up the world. I can't convince one single person that I am good enough, that I do enough, I"m always racing to live up to what you all want me to be and do. And even if my family doesn't see or understand what a normal day is for me, they may never get it, but I feel surrounded, attacked at the most random moments because no one respects me.
I can't give her new legs. I can't fix her broken heart. I can 't make her brain want to live, or fight harder, I can't give her a new body, or lipo suction. I can't change her mentality, I can't implant a new bladder. I can't have all my imperfections screaming at me while I feel insufficient watching everyone else depend on me to save them. But with everything in my might, if I had one million dollars I would make fast food restaurants for kidney diseased diabetics!!!! I go to work, I don't cook, I feel awful. Plain and simple it's my fault.
I need to take time for myself. I need to shit in peace. I need peace. I feel so overwhelmed because I can't take your pain away. I can't even figure out my own. Someone help me for once. Someone be proud of me for once. Someone else deal with your issues. I've got to love my mom more. I've got to be with her more. I've got to spend time with her and grow up and do the right thing. I need to do the right things. I need to do the right things.
At the end of the day it's doesn't come down to the idea that I am selfish or even lazy either. I don't mind helping anyone. I don't mind being there for my friends but when you bitch at me because you can't all have my 100% attention, when you all pressure me because I won't come over and party because I"m attempting to be more responsible, or go do a beer run at midnight, it's not because I don't care about any of you. It's not because I don't love you all. It's because I need to breathe in peace. And maybe if some of you were my real friends, you would ask me if I was ok, because I'm not and you would know that. You would understand that I have stuff to do, or deal with and I'll be over another time, or take a rain check on plans made. Stop underestimating my character, my God and my generosity. I"M TIRED AND I CAN"T EVEN SHIT IN PEACE!!