MY deepest apology friends

I'm sorry you feel that way. I will always love you.
We could be balancing heavy hearts on opposite zipcodesand have different lives yet still, you are part of me and I love you genuinely. You haven't considered I haven't talked to anyone much.It's not just you I shut out. I lost myself too and I'm just trying to get it back together. I'm very sorry that you feel like that.
There will come times when we both are busy busy with life and months or years may fly byon the wing of "the future". We might only get a few phone calls in or weekends away and suddenly when we really settle down at 50 or so, we'll look back and those seldom moments which were wonderful memories. I don't plan on dis-continuing our friendship.
My license is suspended and I don't lie about your messages? I'm not sure what you mean but get a side kick. Try it out. You'll see. I get text messages really late and voicemails two days later sometimes. My web browser only works when I go to myspace and google and the track ball sticks sometimes and calls 911.You should know my heart. Please don't feel like I am leaving you and never coming home or never talkign to you or getting together. I will live for those moments and cherish them.I'm sorry I haven't been more available to you and I know that. I have been going through a lot that is inaudible and indescribable. When you moved to Maine for your own reasons I remember just thinking how proud I really was of you because I wouldn't know to have the strength you've had. You just kept going even though you were secretly falling apart and I admired you for that. You have flourished into a wonderful mother and a beautiful woman.
When the sky suddenly begins to fall and your world crashes around you, stop and breathe.Gather the peices of yourself and your dignity for you may be the world to someone else.
Love is a verb and I can not love everyone else until I love me. I've got a little soul searching to do. I totally lost myself somewhere along the way but I haven't even had the chance to begin to tell you. I understand you are hurt so it will be a while until we speak again but no matter how much time passes, my respect for you will never change.
Patience-an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay: to have patience with a slow learner.
Unconditional-not limited by conditions; absolute: an unconditional promise.
Understanding-characterized by understanding; prompted by, based on, or demonstrating comprehension, intelligence, discernment, empathy, or the like: an understanding attitude
Time-a period considered with reference to its events or prevailing conditions, tendencies, ideas, etc.
Expectation-the degree of probability that something will occur: There is little expectation that he will come.
Apologize-To make an apology or excuse; to make acknowledgment of some fault or offense, with expression of regret for it, by way of amends; -- with for;
Forgiveness-1. compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
2. the act of excusing a mistake or offense
If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared.
Love-a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.2. Love, affection, devotion all mean a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person. Love may apply to various kinds of regard: the charity of the Creator, reverent adoration toward God or toward a person, the relation of parent and child, the regard of friends for each other, romantic feelings for another person, etc. Affection is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm. Devotion is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person; it may also imply consecration to a cause.

Ballerina

Well momma told me
when I was young
Said sit beside me
my only son
and listen closely
to what I say
and if you do this
it'll help you some sunny day
ah yah

Oh take your time
Don't live too fast
Troubles will come
and they will pass

You'll find a woman
and you'll find love
and don't forget that
there is a someone up above
and be a simple kind of man
Oh be something you love
and understand
baby be a simple kind of man
Oh won't you do this for me son
if you can

Forget your lost
in richmans gold
all that you need now
is in your soul
and you can do this
oh baby
if you try
all that I want from you my son
is to be satisfied
and be a simpe kind of man
be something you love
and understand
so baby be a simple
kind of man
be something you love
and understand

Ohh Yeaaahh
Oh don't you worry
you'll find yourself
follow your heart
and nothin else
and you can do this
oh baby
if you try
all that I want from you
my son
is to be satisfied
and be a simple
kind of man
oh be something you love
and understand
oh baby be a simple
kind of man
oh won't you do this
for me son
if you can
baby be a simple
kind of man
be a simple man
be something
you love and understand

Be a simple kind of man- Lynyrd Skynyrd


I'm not a man but if I could choose what my mother would say to me
about life it would be this. To be simple means not complicated, free of
deceit or guile, common or ordinary, unaffected, unassuming, modest,
humble, not complex, not divided into parts (whole) and being without
additions or modifications.
To enjoy the simple and pure things of this earth such as love and
time.
I don't think I'll ever have the relationship with my mother that
"I want" and I've concluded, that's ok.
I've been going through a maze, very confused like trying to
untangle a knot. I can't figure out why I'm constantly
disappointing her or never getting along.
I think about my relationships in general and I have to admit,
I expect too much of them. Having expectations complicates
things when they're not met and you feel let down all because
of something you thought existed.
I love my mom, a lot. I think about her and worry about her
well being all the time. I wonder how much she'll take of me
and my age. I wonder how I'm ever going to say thanks quite
enough for all that she's given me. She has instilled values that
I could not have if I were somewhere else. I'm grateful for that.
Instead of focusing on what I don't have out of people,
I need to focus on what I do because that is the divine art
and sophistication of human capabilites within a
relationship, love. I need to fully accept I can not and
will never be able to change anyone, only myself
and my own reactions to things and situations.
I'm in control of my opinions, my emotions, my reactions,
my actions and my integrity. I will continually have to remind
myself that even though it seems easy for me to say to them
what I need, or even if it's easy for me to point out what they need,
they won't really learn that little thing about life until they
need it for themselves.
I've never felt more clear and excited about the conscious and
ehilerating decisions I've been making in my life including with
my relationships. Not just ones with those I love, but people
in general. I need to maintan and balance a well efforted
attempt to treat everyone around me with pleasantry and kindness.
I've been cold and harboring a lot of mental and physical pains.
I've been anything but simple and I am astonished I have
thought it was everyone but me's fault.
If the sky is falling and nothing goes right and suddenly your world
begins to crash and fall around you, stop, breathe and
gather the peices of yourself and your dignity because you may be
the world to someone else.
Sometimes the weight and pressure of life can make us all react
vehemently and just maybe sometimes we say or do things to
the people around us, especially those we love or feel closest to,
when we are really lashing out at the possibility we've lost ourselves
in the midst. We need help and won't admit it. Our inability to let
anyone in is what makes us so much more special than any other
creature on this planet. The moment we decide to let these people
into our weird little worlds knowing that if it crashes it's not only
affecting ourselves, but them too, really is worth the fight. It's also
beyond what our normal senses are, it's trust and trust you can't put
your finger tips on. Not having physical attention to the mind, not being
able to see whether someone is trustworthy makes you get to know
their souls on a different level. You have to let them in.
Trust, love and hope are not tangible things we can grasp and without
evidence it's hard to beleive it truly exists so keeping people at an arm's
length is more comfortable and less of a painful adventure to take
when you find out there wasn't any trust at all.
I've reclaimed my life and my actions for the first time and I feel
rejuvenated. I'm a young person. I have a lot to learn and to be humbled
about in the ways of realtionships but I'm sure this is a good start.
I don't think there are enough ways to say I'm sorry to those I've
affected. I couldn't possible take back time or thigns I've said.
I can't change what your reaction was either and I'm sorry
for expecting to be anything but you. I appreciate you for who and whatever
you are irrelevant to the struggles we might face as friends,co-workers, siblings,lovers and relatives.

I'll never feel the weight of your hands
Side mine like diamonds
Lay so far ballerina
Cupcake and my earthquake
Wakes me from my sleep bed
Never comes hardly breathing
Waiting for meI didn't really want you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To you feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
You will always be mine
The room spins
Pull you from me
My body burns
Tell me of the rainbows
The colors that the rain throws
Ballerina dance softly
She knows when to come only
When she's called and slowly
coming to
I didn't really want you
But I need you
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you crashing down
Into the empty world
The music stops
Want to rescue want
to scream out loud
You will always be
So so sorry
Just come back to me now
So so sorry
Just come back to me now
I didn't think I wanted you
But I want you now
Was so foolish of me
To feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out
Wanted to rescue want
to scream out loud
I didn't think I needed you
But I need you now
Was so empty in me
Feel you tumbling down
Into that empty room
The lights went out want
to scream out loud
That you will always be mine

Some call it freedom. I call it the wind.

So I've made a big decision. I'm moving south. I haven't told many people yet.
Not sure if I will.
I have an urge in my soul to feel free. To feel the wind in my hair all year and
the sun's warming hug.
Maybe I'll actually amount to something you expected, maybe I won't.
Perhaps just maybe I'll be what I wanted.

just for a moment
everything i treasured was gone
just for a moment
i faced my life alone

oh how i love you

just for a moment
the world was full of pain
just for a moment
my luck had finally run out

oh how i love you

the same thing that blew us together
might blow us apart
so keep a piece of me precious
and close to your heart

just for a moment
all of my nightmares came true
just for a moment
my heart was broken in two

oh how i need you
oh how i'd miss you
oh how i love you

I've sat for two years, two very long, hard, painful and reckless years
scrutinizing, fearing and regretting all that I am. I've called it my
reflective stage in life. "I've learned from all my mistakes."
I've sat and wondered on the edge of my seat when this little brush fire will grow.
When will I fly and soar? When will I be free?

I'm not a perfect person

When will I only consider people my friends once they love me for me AND all my mistakes.

I'm sure you'll all feel greedy and be mad at me because now I won't be able to give you my time but you haven't had it in the first place.

I’m not a perfect person
There’s many things I wish I didn’t do
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've been running short on excuses why I'm already gone and away from this place.

I’ve found a reason for me
To change who I use to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you

You don't have to understand it. You can call me dramatic. You can think of me how you want. You all can be mad because I won't be here for your every need and use. You can think little of actions, call me fleeting, call me scared. I consider myself brilliant.

Did you ever have a day
when it all just came apart?
You thought that this will be the end
I've pulled into the same, wretched, awful, crumbling driveway for years now, dreaming,
seeking, searching, wishing, hoping, fleeing and panicking on when I'll actually
just keep driving one day.

Now I will tell you what I've done for you,

50 thousand tears I've cried.

screaming, decieving, and bleeding for you,
and you still won't hear me.
going under.
Don't want your hand this time,
I'll save myself,
maybe I'll wake up for once.
not tormented daily defeated by you.
just when i thought I reached the bottom.

Did it ever hurt so bad
So vicious, cruel, or sad
You thought that nothing good could come
I see the same four building, quadru-plex, fucked up welfare, drug haven little world covered in snow most of the time and all it's little ticky tacky people and wacky adventures.
Im dying again
I'm going under,
drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
I'm going under
Yeah, take my hand and come with me
Into this crystal village
And see the lights so fried in brightness
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
You were there
And it was good in the beginning

Take my hand, come with me
I see the lights so brightly
And we fall as if we never really mattered
Cos you will never have the time
I would love to change your mind
It was there
And it was good in the beginning
We were there
It was good in the beginning.
I want to live somewhere that if I feel like going camping in December I can. So I can lay on my back in my cocoon of benevolence and examine the skies beauty and magical shine and not have any regrets or pressure about responsibility. So I may be able to walk for miles while I think and feel the wind rush up my back and hear my feet pitter on the pavement.

That's just the way my story goes
Under the sorrow where the blossom grows
There is a darkness
They never show to me
Yeah, I had it pretty good
Growing up late as I could
I was still running around
Then the lightning struck me down
Hit this lonely apple tree down
Now I've been learning as I go
I want to see America.
I've sat for years like I've said and analyzed every single fucking move I've made.
All my bad decisions, all my inhibitions, all my weaknesses, all my failures, all my flaws and insecurities and all the times I've let you down. I've pushed myself to be the perfect citizen. So what if I want to smoke a joint once in a while? SO what if I like cold Budweiser? So what if I don't want to work in a big metal box building full of ticky tacky people. So what if I don't want to conform to normal? So what if I don't have a bed skirt in my bedroom? So what if my blinds are all different colors? SO what if I'm sexually active? So what if I like my eggs over easy? So what if I'm not married. So what if I am aware that it's not my fault or responsibility you are so sick and lonely.
I'm going under,
drowning in you,
I'm falling forever,
I've got to break through,
I'm going under[going under]
going under [drowning in you]
I'm going under
I'm only 21 and it's not right for me to die with you. So what if I want to be independent? So what if I hit a fucking snowbank. So what if I suck? I already know that. So what if I'm an ex-druggie. I'm clean now. So what if I'm not Kelli? So what if I'm not what you expected?

And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That’s why I need you to hear

I came to an epiphany and I've never felt better.

:)

After all my self reflecting, all my agony and thinking I've lost you all because of something I did. After placing myself under a magnifying glass wondering what turned you all off, I realized that maybe, it was just life and it's random course.

I grew up and noted it really didn't matter what you thought or if I lost any of you because of the fluxuations in my life then I didn't have you in the first place.

I stood at the door and banged my wrists until they bled for your attention.

I cried one million tears over how much has changed and tried to be optimistic and hang on to the memories each of us have shared.

I'm leaving this place and my pain on your doorstep and I'm not looking back.

That's just the way my story goes
Under the sorrow where the blossom grows
There is a darkness
They never show to me
I've tumbled down into a whirlwind of all the things I haven't done for you.
That I can never and will never be good enough.

I've watched several movies, just like everyone else about life and all their many, tongue twisting, mistake making feverish, rebellion loving, sex and rock and roll conforming stories and how people change with mistake like swaying in the wind. How they overcome obstacles, or stick up for themselves or make a change in this very big world and all their glories and moments of reighteousness for the first time in their lives.

All I've established, in each example of fine literature, politics and publicity when someone was a hero to look up to, was that they made it happen. They did. Not anyone else. It wasn't luck. Things happen, some tragic, some life shaking, some earth shattering, some simple, and some so complicated they'll never really get it. But they took the initiative to make it happen. No one is in the right place at the right time, sometimes the wrong.

Thelma and Louise made history. They just up and left and went on a trip and didn't matter the outcome. They didn't know what would happen in the future but they weren't scared of it either and they stuck together, loyally and truthfully.

The Goonies kept going even when their fate was tested. They had a drive and a passion, something called One Eyed Willie if you should ask. Never let the ship sink.

ET made it home.

Three words: Martin Luther King

Titanic, they loved despite of society and the future, they lived together in the moment and died together.

Weeds, she accepted her decisions and what she really is. She owned it and made it work. She let go and greived better than anyone of us could because she got up and made it exciting, instead of dying with the lost.

Jesus beleived in love and people hated him enough to kill him.

Oprah came from nothing and became the biggest something there is.

Everyone has their fifteen minutes of fame. Some last a lifetime.

1922: Photography : First mass production photo machine:Arthur C. Pillsbury

1923: Television Electronic: Philo Farnsworth

Alexander Graham Bell- The Telephone

Nicola Tesla- AC power

Albert Einstein-Atomic Bomb (Not as wonderful as we thought) Many people have believed he failed math and classes as a kid. He laughed in spite of opposition and that's what I intend to do.

Alas, Einstein’s childhood offers history many savory ironies, but this is not one of them. In 1935, a rabbi in Princeton showed him a clipping of the Ripley’s column with the headline “Greatest living mathematician failed in mathematics.” Einstein laughed. “I never failed in mathematics,” he replied, correctly. “Before I was fifteen I had mastered differential and integral calculus.” In primary school, he was at the top of his class and “far above the school requirements” in math. By age 12, his sister recalled, “he already had a predilection for solving complicated problems in applied arithmetic,” and he decided to see if he could jump ahead by learning geometry and algebra on his own. His parents bought him the textbooks in advance so that he could master them over summer vacation. Not only did he learn the proofs in the books, he also tackled the new theories by trying to prove them on his own. He even came up on his own with a way to prove the Pythagorean theory. http://www.time.com/time/2007/einstein/3.html

1870: Mobile Gasoline Engine, Automobile: Siegfried Marcus

1876: Carpet sweeper: Melville Bissell

1886: Gasoline engine: Gottlieb Daimler

1928: sliced bread: Otto Frederick Rohwedder

1928: Antibiotics: Alexander Fleming

1946: microwave oven: Percy Spencer

1952: hovercraft: Christopher Cockerell

1955: Velcro: George de Mestral

1971: E-mail: Ray Tomlinson

1974: Heimlich Maneuever: Henry Heimlich

1979: the Walkman: Akio Morita, Masaru Ibuka, Kozo Ohsone

1979: the cellular telephone (first commercially fielded version, NTT)

1985: DNA fingerprinting: Alec Jeffreys

1989: the World Wide Web: Tim Berners-Lee

Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
Barack Obama First African American President 2009

Lincoln was too tall and hairy but he still strived to become president, with amazing values and hard work only to be shot at a young age. Once again making the best of time and what we are given even though a lot of people opposed his new ideas.

Roosevelt stood up one day to declare a state of war with the empire of Japan. He is the only president who was elected and chosen to serve more than the standard, mandatory two terms in office. He had Polio and accomplished numerous things that many healthy, normal, physically active people will never acheive because they don't belive in themselves.

Georgie O'Keefe was rediculed and judged because of her sexual connotations in her paintings. She kept painting beautiful art from her soul and let her sexuality be her guide. She's my hero for that. Without art, we would all be empty shells roaming the earth and waiting for color to fade.

Many people through history, thousands of years, millions of different artists creating and ripping raw human emotion with one fleeting flick of a brush, camera, anguish, happiness, emotion, peice of themselves in every single bit of art that they have produced has been ridiculed, criticized, objected at some point and often unusually seen as outkast. As famous as Micheal Angelo and Picasso, and as simple as the setting sun, these people have captured the essence of love, lust, trust, creation, benevolence, and that special little redeeming glow. I'm not the only one who thinks it's art. -I stole this from another one of my blogs called "Art".

Elf made it to the real world.

Whitney Houston lost herself in the world of drugs and bounced back to sanity.

Mary J.Blidge screamed no more drama and meant it.

Christina Aguilera developed a reputation and made good with God all by herself and established she's still dirty but it's OK because she's made peace with exactly who she is. She's amazing and humble despite of fame.

Britney lost her kids, her husband and her record label and had court dates to prove what kind of human she was because people blasted her on TV and in magazines. She turned her next album into a circus to make a statement which was amazing and outstanding will power to not conform to all you freaks of judgement throwing. She's now the ringleader.

Helen Keller loved without any of the senses we use to define what we think it is and she lived despite of fear from the unknown.

James St. James was the first original drag queen in the 20th century. Quite fucked up as it might seem, he owned who he was irrelevant to the surroundings we are presented with. He is truly the definition of fame and glam.

Everywhere we look, irrelevant to what example, genre, backrounds, stipulations, common popularity or statistical opinions, people all over that have caused great controversy and example have not only stood up for what they believed in, acted on their passions and made the best of what they had or didn't, but they accepted, cherished and loved who they are and the decisions they've made they embraced as a story to be told, not a never ending fail.

I might not make history. I might not ever be as rich as Oprah or as famous as James St. James or Einstein but I am going to keep driving and make something of myself for once in my life and embrace really, who I am and my ability to just be me. I will rise in spite of opposition. I will stand in dispute for my beliefs. I will stick up for myself and be proud of the woman I am. I will survive even if my coasters in my apartment aren't all the same colors. I probably won't have any coasters at all now that I think of it.

Don't try to fix me. I'm not broken. I'm impulsive and wreckless, but not dangerous.

I'm going to live with no regrets. I'm not holding back. I'm not going to wake up at 50 one day and think to myself, jeese, I should've traveled. I should've done something more. I should've given myself more credit. I should've been this or should've done that. I should've gone on adventures and tried to make a change. I should've lived.

Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do.
Feels like lightning running through my veins
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Help me out here
All my words are falling short
And theres so much I want to say
Want to tell you just how good it feels
When you look at me that way
When you look at me that way
I can taste the freedom and release of my soul.

I can see my wings loosing feathers to fly.

I can feel my nerve depleting knowing I’m leaving you here

Like this but for the first time I know it’s not all my fault.

I’ve held on as long as I could.

I’ve kept my sanity as much as I should.

I need you to understand I’m not running away.

I’m running to my serendipity, my peace, my calm, my sense of self, my freedom,

My own opinion, a place to call my own.

If you know my heart truly, you will be happy for me and proud that I've actually done it.

You'll also know I am always with you and when you read a book under the shade of a tree,

or listen to Janis at 3 a.m., or rock out to Tom Petty in the middle of Wal-Mart, or look up at the crisp winter sky and see all it's glory and breathe in the icy cold for just one more cigarette,

or pee your pants laughing at something stupid, or listen to the wind rushing by on a hot summer day, you'll know I'm there and with you.

I'm not dead. I'm alive for the first time and only a road trip or phone call away and I love you.
Throw a stone and watch the ripples flow
Moving out across the bay
Like a stone I fall into your eyes
Deep into some mystery
Deep into that mystery
I got half a mind to scream out loud
I got half a mind to die
So I wont ever have to lose you girl
Wont ever have to say goodbye
I wont ever have to lie
Wont ever have to say goodbye
Yeah na na na na
Yeah na na na na
Please forgive me
If I act alittle strange
For I know not what I do
Its like my head is filled with lightning girl
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you
Everytime I look at you

Just don't lie to your heart
This will be the hardest part
But lying on the surface
Everybody's got a dark place
They hold on to
They all go to
Just don't lie to your heart
This will be the hardest part
But lying on the surface
Everybody's got a dark place
They hold on to
Just don't lie to your heart
This will be the hardest part
But lying on the surface
Everybody's got a dark place
They hold on to
They hold on to

We're learning as we go
We're learning as we go
We're learning as we go
We are just learning as we go
We are just learning as we go
We are just learning as we go
We are just learning as we go

Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves.
Robert Neelly Bellah

It's interesting to leave a place, interesting even to think about it. Leaving reminds us of what we can part with and what we can't, then offers us something new to look forward to, to dream about.
Richard Ford

Life loves the liver of it.
Maya Angelou

If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.
Barack Obama

Always fall in with what you're asked to accept. Take what is given, and make it over your way. My aim in life has always been to hold my own with whatever's going. Not against: with.
Robert Frost

And were an epitaph to be my story I'd have a short one ready for my own. I would have written of me on my stone: I had a lover's quarrel with the world.
Robert Frost

A certain recluse, I know not who, once said that no bonds attached him to this life, and the only thing he would regret leaving was the sky.
Kenko Yoshida

When our vices leave us, we like to imagine it is we who are leaving them.
Francis de La Rochefoucauld

Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is the noble art of leaving things undone. The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of non-essentials.
Lin Yutang

A man builds a house in England with the expectation of living in it and leaving it to his children; we shed our houses in America as easily as a snail does his shell.
Harriet Beecher Stowe

Lyrics from songs by;

Leona Naess

David Gray

Aqualung

Pete Yorn

Hoobastank

Evanescence

One quote from Weeds.

There are two kinds of people in this world. Some say if you let the world take you over, run over you and flatten you out then you deserve to be crushed, therefore they are the crushers. Then there are the people like myself who give every attempt they've got to inflate again even if it means suppressing the road rashed pain to rebuild who you deserve to be and who you deserve to take care of, yourself. Eventually after rebuilding yourself time and time again, after getting on your belly and fixing that damned old shitbox car again for the fifth time that month, spilling coffee on your favorite dress because someone bumped you and it wasn't your fault, being stuck in situations where you have to find means to re-evaluate and apply more pressure to yourself because you couldn't possibly go to the reunion wearing a coffee dress or missing a day of work because your car shit the bed as usual and oh hell, what would people think?

It's nearly impossible to convince the worlds population that they should consider shit happens.

It's nearly impossible to convince the boss' of the world that people are not expendable.

It's even more difficult to not be stressed about things that are necessary to have in order to survive. We put these ideas in our heads that you have to live in a big house and have ten cars however, the point of a house is shelter and comfort and the point of a car is for travel purposes to get to where you need to be efficiently.

Unfortunately, depends on how you look at it, having a job which pays you money keeps putting gas in the car to get there and where you want to go. That money puts food on your table and pays your heat bill and puts clothes on your back because not everyone has everything handed to them. Food is a necessity in order to live. Some people build farms, some people barter and trade and exchange for necessities, but not in America. You can't trade your car for a fridge full of meat very easily. Money talks. There is something about the paycheck that makes you go back.
All this pressure from these systems builds up on everyone. Greed, money, wealth, power, luxury and selfishness are the driving factors for the usual American economy.

That stress that's been added since the day we are born and continually reminds us that nothing in life is free builds up too. I know I can't convince Oprah that it's not fair. I can't convince Trump that he's selfish and greedy. I can't shout out to the world that no one should have two houses because some people have none because communism only looks good on paper.

I have to do it myself just like every other typical American. Some people do things that are unnecessary out of pride and self righteousness in order to earn an income and it doesn't matter who they crush underneath. I'm ranting about this because my stresses in life are primarily the same as everyone elses. Yes I need to deal with them better and yes I can't do anything to get to work if my car is dead. I won't get fired because the alarm didn't go off. The world isn't ending because I'm not appreciated at my job, at least I have one. Yelling doesn't make my engine start.

Screaming doesn't make me wake up an hour earlier. Punching the wall doesn't make me feel better it just hurts my hand but let me tell you I am not the only human who feels pressured in this Greed forsaken world. I guess I'll die trying and screaming, flailing and crying, punching and kicking my way through. At least I'm doing it.

I guess you would all think I bitch a lot. If I read through most of my blogs, some of them just stupid in general, I see myself overwhelmed and rambling. This is a lot like my life. Often times I don't record what's so amazing about life because more times than not, there's nothing. Which leaves the good times rare and extra special to my heart. Perhaps I'm crazy like I've said. I'm sure a shrink would have a feild day investigating my brain and my past however, I'd like to just say that sometimes, life isn't so pretty. I read your blog. You told me life is hard so get a helmet. Technically, they label it depression of some sort. I'd like to call it Oppression. Weighted down by the harsh reality and stubborness of man and all it's institutions.

What exactly is it that we stand for as a human race? You'd think the bottom line was the ability to live. That seems to be the motto in my generation, live and let live, laugh, love and play despite the cruel and wicked ways of this unnatural world we exibit. We have to trudge through like nothing fails us. We have to put on a happy face because no one gives two shits anymore if you're secretly loosing it all.We've set limits, standars, rules and regulations by govern or social acceptance to justify and define the word normal. Really, look it up in the dictionary.

Well eventually as I was saying, FUCK people and their opinions. Eventually you rise above, inflate yourself and walk into the reunion with a coffee smelling dress and have a great funny story to tell. Or you decide you're not going to get neumonia from laying in the snow and you're going to call work and curl up on the couch that day and actually breathe for a minute.Eventually, just maybe, you find a way to deal, to cope, to laugh whether it's a crazy moment when you need to let it out when you're standing in your shower all alone and crying so hard you can't stand up where people can't see you or redicule you. Or you scream so loud and hard while driving your shitbox car all alone that you loose your voice for a week. You find that moment that gives you derivitive, integrity and determination to prove life wrong and it's faulty objections to this "normal" atmosphere we call life.Life doesn't have to be shit.

You've repeated over and over again that I need to de-stress. It's true. I do and I fully agree.It isn't healthy. It's the weight of a ton. I hear you when you said it made you nervous with how much I carry. I heard you when you said that I can't control everything. Once again you're right.I can't. However, I can control myself, my actions, reactions and my own direction. I'm not leaving life out there to find me, I'll find it so I don't agree with that. I think that it's impossible to be on the pursuit of happiness, you just achieve and create it. Things happen and yes, they are out of our control but don't take away my right to control what I can and how I feel, even if it's a fleeting moment where I have a dumb thought or projected mistake. I don't wear my pathetic thoughts of self loathing like Versace, just my heart on my sleeve as usual.
I may be impulsive and reckless, but I'm not dangerous.

A little bit crazy

Sometimes just maybe
I'm a little bit crazy
and I cuss and swear
and pull out my hair
when life just seems a little too much
I tend not to give a fuck

Sometimes I want to scream
and sometimes I'm mean
I yell and shout
and flail my arms all about
and loose my sense of self

And sometimes just maybe
I'm a little bit crazy
when life comes at me
as much as I try not to be
things just never work out
and I'm nutty, no doubt

Sometimes when I've had enough
I stomp and I huff and I puff
and I push and I hurt
and I really exert
everything that you see
Everything I am, crazy, that's me

Once in great while
I go silent and begin to smile
and I can't speak
and I feel incredibly weak
and I give up on being tough
because it isn't quite enough

If I hurt you, forgive me
If I push you, let me be
If I can't speak, stay silently
If I scream, hold on to me
If I cry, embrace my heart
because I'm falling apart
and if I walk away
I won't get far anyway

After so many days like this
when there isn't a trace of life's bliss
and nothing goes right
by the end of the night
and I'm stuck in a frozen moment
I own it
to avoid hurting any of you
because sometimes, just maybe I don't know what to do

When I look around and see
no such trace of opportunity
to have one day where something goes right
I crash my plight
I give my hopes and dreams
and rip apart at the seems
Sometimes I'm a little bit crazy
just maybe


















I found these images on google image search

I remember one fine afternoon when the sun was bright and it was really hot out, we dug a hole in the front yard. Your little hands grabbed the hose and pulled with all your might. People passing by might think we looked a bit mischievous. One skinny ragamuffin and a chubby “Twinkie muncher”, butts in the air, trying to dig a hole is probably quite a site to see. I think you were wearing green 80's shorts and a flowery tank top. Perhaps that's another memory. You must have been about 8 and your hair was shoulder length and frizzy from the heat but straight none the less and your freckles laughed with you.
We filled the hole, which was only a foot wide and deep, with water, brown water. We stuck our toes in all the way to the bottom and squished them all around even though I opposed how cucky it was, making me feel the mud and giggling at the idea of bugs and creepy crawly things attacking our toes.
I realized that perhaps you were stuck with me and how unfair it was to be stuck with a kid two whole years younger who was afraid to cuss or pee outside. I would’ve had fun with me too. I was gullible.
We were alone a lot, left with only our imaginations and things to build, make or cook. Our biggest worries were waiting for Ed to get home to raid his truck of change for fries at the deli.
You made me swear for the first time and I'm really fucking glad you did.
You scared the senseless out of me and the whines of stupidity.
You made me toughen up and watch Forrest, Freddie and Chuckie.
You wailed and cried to the Titanic song on your Sony boom box and introduced me to love stories and the idea that love is a battlefield.
You recorded my ramblings like they were works of art to laugh to the pit of your stomach after we ate dinner. I'm surprised you don't have My Uncle Meinie with the Shiny Heinie story published. In fact, I'm even more surprised you remembered to write it in a birthday card once.
You painted my face when I feel asleep and I wasn't suppose to, with God knows what.
You laughed really hard when I farted in Ed's leather chair.
You convinced me you were light as a feather, stiff as a board and I was superwoman with two fingers of strength and could do anything!
You tickled me until I peed.
You spent hours, summers, days and weeks trying to occupy my mind from how harsh life really was and you are my hero for gritting your teeth through all my kicking and screaming, pooping and crying, falling and spilling and complaining and tattling and listening to me sing, and talk and rant and rave that I couldn’t put my own hair in a pony tail.
You taught me the never ending importance of time since you have always been two years older and that is all the difference.
Most of all, you taught me how to make something out of nothing and introduced me to the simple pleasures in life, like sticking my toes in mud because we didn't have a swimming pool. Or playing in the rain because I didn't have a new jacket and eating fresh blueberries, mashed potatoes, eggs and corn for breakfast because we were alone and trying to make the best because Ed didn't come home in time so we could raid the Bronco.
Some people say it’s a pursuit of happiness. I don’t think you can pursue something you always have the opportunity to achieve, you just make it.
You have instilled much greater things in my life than just some funny memories, you saved me from a broken home and many sad, lonely days.
You taught me how to forget that life wasn’t simple.
You gave me hope in myself even though I doubted everything around me.
You taught me how to wipe my ass.
You taught me how to do my hair and when there was something I couldn’t or wouldn’t do, Darlene , you did it anyway, teaching me responsibility. After all, you did take me in when you was just two and and itty bitty baby I was at your door, you couldn't resist my smile.
When I entered culinary school, they made me write an essay to try and win a scholarship for my books and knife bag.
I don’t think I ever told you but you helped me win a two thousand dollar scholarship.
I wrote about my passion for cooking and where it came from and if I recall, it stemmed from being served by you and flourishing into Rosie O’Donnell at a moment’s notice. Of course in my essay I didn't go into details, Rosie isn't so cool now, but you get the jist.
I can officially say I’ve had lunch with Madonna.
When someone smells hotdogs, they think of going to Fenway with their grandpa.
When someone bites into a fresh batch of “Ratatouille” and it brings tears to their eyes because they are reminded of their mother or when you discover how good fresh avocado tastes for the first time and bite into a ripe peach with it’s sweet bliss, you not only tap into their taste buds, but their memory and their hearts.
I still know every word to The Little Mermaid songs.
I’ve never felt more special and served than I did when I was Rosie even if it was only the best potatoes I’ve ever had, you have far surpassed any cook I’ve ever met because you cook with love and laughter.
I love it when you push me down a hill. :)
I still have that passion to serve. I’ve learned from the best.
I just don’t think you know how much you have positively affected everything that I am and strive to be.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes, including loosing you somewhere along the lines of adulthood.
I had a period where I lost my sense of those values and remained in awe at how simple it was to loose myself amongst other things like my keys and moments I can’t take back.
I’ve spent uncountable and painful hours reflecting, days finding and months trying to rebuild myself and push myself to improve. I’ve spent so much time fretting and worrying and pushing and working hard and searching for something I’ve always had in front of me that I’ve let it slip right past and by. I give up on the pursuit and really, I can’t wait for Pawtuckaway to open and spend summer days screaming under water with Madelyn.
The ability to laugh and play, serve and love, give and praise, stick my toes in the mud even though there might be dangers in the waters. It’s called integrity, patience, kindness, selflessness, and the ever precedent time which tells all.
You were born with these magical things. You have flourished into an amazing woman, friend and mother and I couldn’t think of anyone better to be my role model and to give back to, I just don’t know how. To think that I’ve done something to disappoint you where you won’t talk to me much, hang out, visit, or respond to my e-mails about the baby’s christening makes me worried. I never meant to aggravate you. I always just do.
Either way, perhaps I’ve never fully told you how much I am grateful for you and how much I love you. I certainly haven’t been showing it. I’m sure that not all is lost since life is busy and sometimes time goes by and we might not see each other often in between with kids, work, school and bills however, I thought you should know, you are always with me, always supporting me, always giving me guts in the back of my head and I’ll never ever forget all the wonderful times we spent, cussing, peeing our pants and watching all time famous movies and sitcoms.
To serve:
24. to provide with a regular or continuous supply of something. (Happiness, Values, Laughter, Love)
28. to gratify (desire, wants, needs, etc.) (Sympathy, appreciation)
33. serve one right, to treat one as one deserves (Equality, friendship and justice)
To do:
4. to put forth; exert: Do your best. (Integrity)
6. to render, give, or pay (Responsibility)
14. to create, form, or bring into being: (Excitement)
25. to proceed: to do wisely (Common sense)
26. to get along; fare; manage: (Optimism)
I could rattle more pages about what it’s like having you as just a memory but I think you get the point and I’m sorry I haven’t made myself more available to you.
When I say I’m around and I’m only a phone call away and I’d like to see you more, I mean it. I can deal without weed and cigarettes for an afternoon just to hang out and maybe create excitement with your kid.
Leaving early that day does not show a good example, but I mean it when I say thank you for everything you’ve given me and I hope God blesses your life and fulfills your every dream of creating happiness and content.

The Storm Inside

So the other night when I was working from home in my office I lost power ten minutes before I was going to be done for the night due to the typical ice storms of global warming, (no snow..snow is better. not so scary and dangerous) and my friends were over, Kelly and Rose, hanging around the house with mum in her undies and playing cards while singing Christmas music until I came out of my little hell hole shell bomb station. They all had worked together to make a huge pork roast dinner, yes dinner at midnight, we're so conventional, and it was quite good.
But it went out.. Came back on.. Taunted us. In and out. It was really gracious (the electricity I'm talking about) when it decided to let the lights stay on long enough for us to eat. Rose and Kelly headed out after a long evening of laughter.
I curled up with a book and bam! Big crash of ice falling all over outside and then pitch black. We don't even haaave an emergency kit. And this is the beginning. :)
We stayed that night because it was still really warm from the broiler in the house. We curled up under fifty pounds of blankets, each in our bed cocoons and made it through the night, at least mom did, she ended up on the couch near the kitchen.
I woke up and could see my breath, it was dark everywhere and usual glow and gloom of the city lights were absolutely moot. It must have been about six or seven AM and I decided no matter how long the storm won, I was not staying in this condition. I was so cold I thought I'd never thaw out. I found all my blankets on the floor, hot flashes, estrogen, what can I say, it's the change... Bah hah I'm only 21..
SO I relinquished my thoughts and crawled back to dream land under my cocoon and got pissed in my dreams because my cat kept turning into the blankets and not sharing herself.
The day started to warm up and eventually, I slept really late, I think until 1 or 2 pm and woke up pissed because my kitty cat was rolling herself in my blankets like a damned burrito and messing with my cocoon.
I had had enough of this. The cat was going somewhere and me and mom were traveling to where there was heat, running water and light.
I made arrangements, it just so happens my Abi came over that day with her Fiance Jeremy and took the cat for me to her house, where she had the works because her parents weirdly are kind of normal as far as responsibilities and her dad has a generator.. Spoiled. So that worked out well.
Then I made plans to go up to Manchester to my Lisha's house with Jay so me and mom could stay and relax and my main concern was that mom needed electricity for her oxygen machine and running water and to take care of herself. (she doesn't handle infections or colds very well, they are near fatal, so she's very brittle)
Lish was excited. I rang her up and asked if she had heat, her dad was Dale, a good friend of my mom's who passed from the diabetes epidemic so she understands more than any of my friends what it's like to watch her disintegrate so she was more than welcoming to the idea and had concerns the same.
After many errands and trying to boot around town with my mum and her Personal Care Assistant Karen attempting to find any damned stores open for things we needed last minute, bad luck. All we found was Market Basket, the Post Office and Burger King, rather that's all we visited.
It was more like a trip to get warm actually.
None the less, we barrel-assed around town chatting, singing, frolicking and yupping (gaaag) as the tunes of Christmas pooped in my head. I mean popped.... haha
We make it home and in less than 10 minutes, Karen and I had managed to pack mum a full suitcase of everything she could need except her bed if she could.
We loaded the car with oxygen tanks. Karen helped her get dressed as I ran around almost forgetting I exist myself. We doddled and organized and yupped some more.
I called Lish up north and asked her if it were definitely OK we come. I hate putting people out. And she said, "Oh my God your mother's actually coming to my house to stay the night? Well she can have my bed but I have to go clean. You'll be here very soon. I have a cahburatah sittin' on my kitchen table for God's sake.(She's trying to fix her truck. She got smashed up but maybe that's another blog. She's always elbow deep in some kind of vehicle or out driving one.)
She figured I might come but in my mother's oh so altruistic stubbornness she genuinely didn't think she'd come. I guess this was a shock. She called back ten minutes later telling me to stall and take my pleasant time on the highway so she could haul ass cleaning. (As images of cleaning products danced in my head)
We took a detour to my boyfriends house on the way. Stopped in so I could kiss him. I hadn't seen his lovely face in six days and my God was I craving his.. lips.
So I convinced my mum to come in and meet his mum. They talked. It was good. Mum asked her to come for Christmas Day and have dinner. She accepted right away. They hit it off well as I disappeared outside with the lips. I mean.. The boy. :) (Man I like him)
And we finally headed to Lisha's for the night. (Did I mention I liked him? I had to leave? I really wish we had our own place) We ordered Chinese delivery, talked shit about the economy and cahburatah's as I daydreamed of the lips boy.
Mom snuck a cup of cheer, she had some of that yummy Khalua Eggnog on ice and a candy cane, I really love it. I do. She got a little tipped, went to lay down and pass out in Alicia's room and so I laid down, still dreaming and fell asleep watching Lish play her D&D XBOX games and kill little snake things.
And Just as I get to the really great part in my dream. No explanations.
Mom's voice comes ringing through my head full speed.
"Heidi. Get up! I'm having chest pain. Wake up!"
I looked, it was 3:40 AM. Lish was still playing her game, what the fuck?
And Mom was dramatically draped over her other couch holding her left shoulder.
"Mom. Did you take your meds? Are you sure it's not just Angina?"
"No Heidi. My sugars are above 600. Get up."
I felt an evil pit rise in my stomach. Another one of these nights.
I have this awful guilt. I have no sympathy sometimes when she makes her own bed of nails. She drank, smoked, ate and giggled her way to near coma and I'm going to rush and love her and bring her to the hospital at 4 am in the freezing storms just so she can get a little bit of that special drip, Morphine. I don't fucking think so.
I'm done sounding so bad. She's me mum. I shouldn't be such an asshole, really. I'd be depressed too if I had everything she does and I really do love her. I just get angry. When will my life retain not having to babysit my 5o some odd year old parents? It's better than her banging on my bedroom wall with the remote and yelling like she does at night for some water or something foolish.\
I should really stop being such a bitch. I've just had too much pressure. No on understands the torment when you walk into a lousy hospital with your mom, over and over again, you're entire life.
It's heart wrenching, sad and life changing to watch someone you love so much, your mother who gave you birth, just fall apart all the time. It's even more frustrating needing a parent and having to be one all the time. I'm not sure anyone in my shoes wouldn't be pissed off a little at the world after a certain amount of emotion numbing events. After a certain level, you loose your ability to let it bring you down, you build a force feild of the roll-your-eyes little boy who cried wolf because if I let it bring me down every time, I'd just roll over and die from how often I see her loosing it all.
I'm ranting. I'm done.
It was awful.
I stayed at the hospital with her from 4 am to 830 a or so. Luckily the hospital was in Lish's town and I didn't have to drive far home. There were teeny little pretty dancing snowflakes escaping God's breath above as I drove. The sight reminded me of the season but the trip to the emergency room, however funny and charming and strong I may pretend to be, made me a little mushy inside. It never fails every time.
The lump in my throat once again traveled like it always does to my tear ducts and I tried to block it out but the more I ignored the anger inside, the more it came flooding into my senses until I was sobbin in the car outside of Jay's house. I smoked a cigarette and sat there, trying so hard to compose myself. I feel like a five year old and even though it's been since I was that age I've been seeing mom like this, it never seems to fail at touching my heart even through all my stubborn, cold hearted bitchyness.
All I kept thinking to myself was how whenever my mom was sick, the one mommy I would run to to hug me, to pick me up from school, to feed me, to love me like my mom did and would, was Connie and man, oh man do I miss her.
She was Stephanie's mother. I've known her nearly my whole life, short a year or two. Connie was my other mommy. She passed away in her sleep to a heart attack. Steph found her. We weren't talking at the time for really dumb reasons but I've never loved Stephanie as much as I learned to that morning and perhaps I've never been so grateful of everyone around me either. Is it weird to say I hugged her even though she was gone? I held on.
Here my mom is, the one that's always been sick, laying there with possible Congestive Heart Failure, and all the while I wanted to run and crawl into Connie's water bed. There was a sad amount of time where we didn't speak, Connie and I, right before she died and I wish that had never happened. I never said anything. I always wonder if she knew how much I loved her too and if she understands how grateful I really am.
I unlocked Lish's front door (She gave me the key to get back in. She was sure she would most likely not get out of bed. haha)
I cried so hard and quiet wrapped up in a pile of blankets on the couch until I passed out from a headache. I'm still crying writing this part. haha I'm such a girl.
They call this kind of writing stream of conciousness. I'm not sure I've learned any other kind. lol I feel like I have to get this stuff out so bare with me. If you are bored, go play mouse trap or monopoly. haha
I woke up to Jay bouncing around the house around noon. I smelled the sweet aroma of skunk and followed into his room. I crawled up onto the bed and we got so fucked up smoking and Vikes that I went on a tangent with a bunch of markers on the art wall in his room.
We blared the music even though Lish was sleeping. At first I danced around to Eminem, there was a horrible storm outside and in my soul, I had no where to go or do at the moment, so what? Then after two hours of coloring and flailing and laughing and swirling and smoking and talking about life, I completed the art work below. As I was making it, I had no idea what I was making in the beginning but eventually, this dude's face popped out of my peace sign.
I thought of life and all my anger. How even though I must find peace inside, there is some truth to the blues and the way of drugs and how it's visible no matter how much we try and be a happy peace sign. And on the outside, it's a blur, I shaded it with my fingers, the angrier and more free I got, the more blurry he became and the more he had the same look on my face as many of the visitors in the cardiac ward, exhausted and angry inside, some have been in the eye of the storm so long, they loose expression, even concern.
Jay opened up a lot and told me so much about his life. It was comforting to listen to his wisdom behind his own pain. His mother passed away a long time ago. He's 28 now and still understands the neediness of your mom in the pit of your stomach.
We talked about way more than that though and it felt good. I felt like I was in the eye of the storm. Like I was getting to the beautiful place of passion which is derived from this anger, this settle in my stomach.
When I finally began to sober up, Lish woke up and we continued our crazy sherades. I was desperately trying to loose track of time and push out the next hospital visit or emotion as long as I could. I knew I couldn't drive until I sobered up again so I just layed and we all talked and laughed and had a really good afternoon.
I'm not sure what I would do without my friends sometimes.People might not think they are my friends, depending on how prudy you are, because we smoke, but they are my angels here on earth, with or without the recreations. I haven't got much else. Well, I've got Jarrett and he's beautifully my best friend but that doesn't even count on the same scale. He beats everyone in that game. It's so inaudibly comfortable and stable for once in my life. Besides, he has nice...lips..remember? haha And I have a good job, and we all have good morals and hearts. So what?
I went to see mom again. This time I was just in time for her morphine dose. She was sloopy slurpy drunk to the point where her eyeballs kept falling backward, rolling into her head every time her chin would drop and she'd drool a little. Now for the record, I've never seen Canibas do that to anyone before.
What an image, really. Makes me want to show all the cigarette smokers in the world.
Kind of hypocritical though huh?
I'm talking so much but I have a point. haha And maybe I'm being too honest, I'll get arrested now, you watch. Well, my point was to show you the picture I drew but I could'nt explain what it meant, I didn't even know what the art I made really was portraying until I saw it again later that night. It looks like a
5th grader could have drawn it. You should see the other shit on the wall. It's maybe a hippie thing.
So within the white walls, with all the white lights, and all the white sheets and all the white faces, I sat. I watched TV. Mom's hand twitched and she said something funny about how she was glad to be in the hospital with all the storm outside.
I laughed but inside I thought that was ironic. Could you guess why?
So a snobby, white doctor came walking in and sat down with a white clipboard. I imagine they were going to take advantage of her vulnerable honesty in the condition she was in to give her a mini psych evaluation. He asked her foolish questions like the date and time. He continued to ask her really personal, almost accusing questions about her thoughts and how she was feeling in general. It was really hard to sit there. Mom acts like she doesn't want me to know she is really sick, mentally and physically and so she kept not answering the doctor in the straight through the bush way and went around it like an ass.
I stood up, grabbed my hoodie and headed to the cafe.
I probably looked like hell. I felt like I had visited recently for sure. And as I walked into the cafe, I noticed a comment about my hat and how much I looked like a dyke. I looked around for anyone standing near me as these eyes gawked in my direction. I smiled right at her from across the tables. The voice was a young, skinny, prissy girl sitting in the cafe surrounded by her colleagues.
She looked like a secret freak, like the school teacher kind. She was wearing all black and silver, her hair up, a tattoo on her neck I couldn't make out with out my glasses. She was a rocker bitch by night I could tell by the seemingly-priss-could-walk-into-a-fancy-club-resort-or-be-an-evil-dominatrix-bitch boots she was wearing, which creased at her thigh, leading me to believe they were high enough under her designer jeans to know, she was more the latter of a freak and could probably be found in the janitor's closet at the golf clubs of America.
How dare she throw a stone smaller than mine?
She had an evil, jealous snare as I walked past high and mighty dyke with my hippie salad greens and my Bob Marley rainbow hat on. (Lost it in the house the other day and I should probably look for it.) I had a Red Sox T on and some really baggy jeans, I've been dropping weight from stress. (No I haven't been doing a lot of drugs, just smoking, really it's stress...well, except for this day I did take other things but I've already come to terms with I didn't pop and drive haha)I was also wearing a maroon hoodie full in the pockets like a trucker. I have a tattoo on my neck, behind my right ear of three stars, and no, I won't tell you what it means to me. But she was gawking and talking on her cell and looking at my tattoo as I ate. I could feel the burn from her eyes, her friends all eating and ignoring me.
Straight people. ahah Don't get it.
Her voice was still ranting about my awful boots from far away. If she was comfortable about herself, and secretly didn't think I was mysterious, she wouldn't be so obsessive over how different I was and she'd just know she was better, she wouldn't have to point it out to a crowd that I’m not. Never mind that her inner most fears of inadequacy are because she has to convince herself, or someone did, that it's wrong, very wrong. She has to settle with very dark, insecure, mean thoughts the rest of her life until she realizes her hands are dirty liars and her eyes are blind.
I was wearing worker boots, the orange-yellow kind that ghetto kids wear to look cool but I just thought they were comfortable, warm and water proof for winter and I have big feet, big everything. I don't mind looking a little casual. I do say I'm half butch after all. I can't believe I'm rambling like this and going to post it on the net for the world. Oh well. Fuck you. I’m comfortable.
One girl she was sitting with rolled her eyes. She was beautiful and had some sort of Spanish dialect, with long curly hair and a warm smile, a nice chunky butt, and said: "Hey, So did you know those boots are actually really comfortable? I totally have a pair. Besides, at least she's smart. It is cold outside."
I really wanted to turn around and ask the priss girl out. You see. It's these girls, these people who have to comment on someone that's comfortable with themselves, like how some guys pick on gay guys all the time, it's them that are hiding. I walk tall. Why would I leave the house otherwise if I wasn't comfortable in what I was wearing? I love the animosity. I didn’t pick on her for being skinny because I’m afraid to be fat for all’s sake.
Does that make sense?
I'm almost at the end. This is turning into a big blog isn't it?
I left the hospital when mom's meds wore off and she started getting a little bitchy.
I went back to Alicia's house. There were a lot of people. It was a blur of some girls birthday. A lot of people smoking and drinking beers and loud music and laughter and things my soul was incapable of at the moment. How dare I stay and be a damper when I just can't keep running the eye of the storm. I have to let it pass somehow.
Lish helped me out to the car with mom's oxygen tanks and our belongings. I glanced around checking for last minute things and took one more 10 second stare at my peace sign that looked stupid. I told her I was too bummed and exausted to stay and party but I would be back soon. I thanked her and Jay numerous times for their generosity and the great morning I had. It was healing.
I bombarded to Jarrett's as quickly as I could hurry down RT 3. I got out of the car so fast my heart raced and the lump haunted and lingered in the back of my throat. I think I smoked too many butts on the way there. I was light headed. I chain smoke when I'm nervous and I felt like a tipping volcano of emotion.
I knocked and there was no answer. I knocked again and got nervous he was out.
I took two steps back and looked at the door trying not to loose it on his porch.
Why was it building up like this all of a sudden? I lit another cigarette and noticed the light on bright in the living room. I walked around the porch and tapped on the window. I could see his face tinkering on Shaun's laptop. A wave of warmth hit me when he shut the system, peaked and smiled.
I met him at the door, still pretending I was a chimney. He stepped out, unexpected to see me, and immediately said that I didn't look so good or happy. He took my cigarette, I think he knew I was a little crazy, and then I just fell into his shoulder. There it went. That fucking lump of specially reserved tears all over his nice sweater. haha... I let it out. The storm began to pass. It's not like I'm weak but there is no one out there who can't agree how comfortable it is to have a lover you can talk to, embrace, let go, hold and feel safe even for one moment when it feels the sky is falling. I took a hot shower and he made coffee and gave me some beef stew his mom made from scratch. We sat and chatted and laughed and talked with his mom until late.
We made amazing love that night. He made me breakfast the next morning. We went to see my mom again. The heat came back on at home. The house was empty. I went to work and came back, told his mom some of my friends were coming over for heat and board games, he's 23 for Goodness sake but still, respect. What momma don't know won't hurt her. Parents act like their kids, now if I were 15 I'd be concerned, but they act like when you become young adults, really into serious relationship and such, that you aren't allowed to ever be sexually active. Same as far as I'm concerned, my parents have never done it. It WAS immaculate conception.
He spent the night. We had the most amazing night than ever before and slept in all day, wrapped naked in each other. I felt at peace. The storm was over for now.
I sat up thinking while smoking a butt, six am. Thinking of 24 hours before. Looking at Jarrett's face.
Then the peace sign came to me. I knew what it all was.
Like I said, just because we have the capability to be benevolent and do well, doesn't mean that there isn't something to be said about the blues. Just because the semblance of someone is strong, happy and courageous, doesn't mean that they aren't breaking inside. Just because they look like a typical stereotype, you can label it whatever people choose to define in our four white walled society, and you can make bad judgments based on reflection itself, but that doesn't mean your accusations are accurate or concise. It doesn't mean that it's easy to get out of bed, straighten my hair, pack on the foundation, eyeliner and conceit, iron my dress clothes, wear heels and act like I'm not falling apart watching my mother wither to a vegetable just so I can look good for a cute doctor walking by and conform to the definition of normal.
Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical: in any given system, average, society, culture, science; to be without disease;Set standards, rules, obligations and natural occurance with any society, group, average and surroundings
Normal is whatever you people choose to define and conform to and act like and be.
I rolled out of bed trying to find my heart somewhere in the sheets and my soul somewhere in the sky. It seems they've both escaped me and the more I trudge through, trying to save my mom, my family, my life, my faith, the more I fail when I try alone and I've never needed God's strength as much as now. It's ironic how I push him away to avoid the pain of finding one more disappointment. Maybe I have trust issues.
Maybe he's been there all along but I'll figure it out.
I'm just tired of these stones we cast. I'm tired of no one knowing each other and their stories and trying to write a book ahead of time. I'd like to know how the world keeps walking asleep. How they convince themselves to push until they break everyday so they can get that great job or car, salary or pair of jeans.
I wrote Harmony and Love in both eyes. I didn't know why but I suppose I was seeing my reflection, or because it was my creation, I was seeing what I wished my reflection was or wasn't. Perhaps it was the most accurate portrait of myself.
The blue, dreary peace sign, carrying the weight of love, forever relaxed and at peace inside, but forever changing colors with each lesson of life. The eyes, obviously, most people would say the inflence of drugs, the tired, red eyed, large pupil affect I had splattered there, almost cartoonish in character, devouring the true reflection of self. However, it also means the tare and dryness and irritation of pain, and I couldn't fit the word harmony in a small pupil with the markers Jay had for his six year old so my brain doesn't revolve arond just getting fucked up.
The more I thought while sitting there, the more I could see that everyone is a peace sign, some people have just been covered with dirt and blues and you can't see any marks of peace.
I thought about my weekend, and irrelevant to how wonderful it ended, even without that little peice of heaven on earth I had for too short of hours, that it will never be easy, it will never make sense, it will never be fair, and it will never ever ever be clean no matter where I go and it will remain dry unless I find a way within myself, to appreciate the beautiful storm that creates me, and my life experiences and maybe let it rain once in a while.