I have so many questions burning in my soul, racing through my mind when I lay down to sleep at night. They say you aren't suppose to question Him. He is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, the way, the truth and the light. He is our savior, our peace, our humbling and forgiving Lord and we should never question His doing. Well, I'd like some solid sleep for once where my heart doesn't feel empty. I'm going to write out all my questions here for You, Lord.
When I see a child was murdered on TV, I try to just think that's the way of the world and that You couldn't do anything. That this was the way of life and tragedy happens. This is how it just turned out and it's our own faults. I try to let it settle.
When I see a mother die in the arms of her children because of the flu in Africa or HIV, I try to let that settle too.
When I see a homeless man on the street, shaking from deep within, not because it's cold, not because he's scared, because he's having alcohol withdrawal, I try to settle with that too.
When I wake up in the morning and breathe fresh air I'm grateful. When I eat well for a day, I'm grateful. When I pray, I praise You and I thank You for everything I have, even the gift of life itself, even the bad.
You gave us this world in the beginning. You created it and everything that exhists. You know things we couldn't even begin to comprehend. You trust in what You've given us in a way we couldn't understand and to see Your face, to seek You is something we can not fathom. We must wait patiently.
You gave us this world and everything in it and laid amongst the beautiful things the gift of temptation. You planted the most beautiful tree in the middle of the garden and said we couldn't touch it. Why? Why would you taunt us in the first place? Why would You let us all suffer for Eve's mistake?
You've given us the ability to have sex with all it's natural beauty. You know how we feel when we caress another's skin. You know that when two people combine their bodies it's much more than just rubbing their bellies near, it's music and what keeps us alive.
You create and love each one of us with special detail. Everything on Earth in it's place and order. Everything has a need, has a reason, a meaning and a use. Why?
You gave us free will and patted us on the bum and sent us into a forrest of temptation and said "You can look, but you can't touch my children."
I am so confused by the rules and regulations and govern of sin and man.
What is sin? I trust You Lord, I love You Lord, I need You in my life.
I don't trust man Lord, you've proven we can't time and time again.
This bible You sent us, this message, this word is suppose to be where we turn to look for You.
You sent Jesus to us to convey a message but it was 2,000 years ago.
You aren't here when depression seeps into the millions of people's lives all over the world who feel alone and hollow inside. You aren't here to hug us and tell us it's alright.
You aren't here when we get laid off from a company we've worked hard and long for and loose our homes to tell us it will be ok, we will survive.
If you get married, you have the right to make love. If you sign a little peice of paper and have it stamped by the witnesses, then it's allowed. It says in the bible that women remain unclean and not to be touched sexually for seven days after, during and before their period. This means only one week out of the month, religiously, sacrificially, all people who are married even Pastor's, shouldn't have sex during the other three weeks. How many of Your servants, Pastor's, Preacher's, married couples and saints can say they waited the 21 days? Is this sin against you?
Is it not good enough?
Why did You put these things in front of us, only to create a museum of the untouchable sacrifice? A glass house of do's and do nots, mostly do nots. A entire playground where you aren't allowed to play. An entire symphany of silence. A land of lost children. Why?
It also says in the bible John 3:16
For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son and that whosoever shall believeth in Him shall not perish, but live an everlasting life.
For God sent not His Son into the world for the world to be condemned, yet through Him, they might be saved.
On this cold day a man named Jesus died for our sins. He stood up for love and peace and died for His beliefs. He trusted in You so much that He became our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
When this happened, the old ways in the bible re-wrote themselves and the new chapters were written. That there is a life of prosperity and hope, love and joy beyond reconciliation.
It was called The New Testament. It divided many people around the world from Gentile's to Apostile's. It created wars and treason for 2,000 years all because a man named Jesus trusted You. This is incredible and I've never, ever in my life not been grateful for His presence, His sacrifice.
I lay in bed tonight wondering so many things. I am a sinner Lord. Please forgive me.
It says you shouldn't harm your body because it is the temple of the Lord.
This makes me think that maybe, if we treat our bodies well, You can live through us, shine through us with Your hope as You did Jesus, but You haven't found anyone like Him worthy enough? What about people that take good care of their bodies their whole lives, go to church, praise You, help the poor and needy, live by Your law to the best they can and devout themselves completely but still end up with Lymphoma, Diabetes, Heart failure or any horrid disease?
It says in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin amongst many, many other things that make us unpure.
You've made me a woman and I stand before you with supple breasts, soft hands and a pink vagina yet I'm encaptivated by women. If I weren't suppose to see them the way I do as a woman, why am I not a man?
To run my fingers down the nape of a woman's neck, to her stomache and further is like an affluent artist running their hands down Starry Night by Van Gogh for the very first time.
Passing each unique texture, feeling every energy and raw emotion of life within every stroke,
entranced in awe at the beautiful creation laid out before them. It's art to me. It takes my breath away. If this moment of peace is a sin, why am I a woman? To tease me?
To make love to a man and embrace his etched solidity in my core is like melting into the feeling for once in life that everything is just right for that one serene moment. So I find beauty in that instead as to not loose my reservation in Heaven. As I've said before the lines in his physique securing my emotions and my heart with every move, every breath, every thrust, every heartbeat. I don't have a little peice of paper to say I'm allowed to share taxes with him.
I don't have a witness to say how much I love him and he loves me, we just live, everyday, sin or no sin, in love. We embrace each other, comfort each other, bring joy and calm to each other. They are my lovers, my best friends. Do I really need a peice of paper for that? Can't you see it?
I've learned my lesson from drugs. I came close to death and only then for the first time did oxygen taste so sweet, so good, so pure. Only then did my mother's hands on mine feel so peaceful. Only then did I wake up and realize the importance of life itself and I'm sorry I fell so far. I twirled and spiralled into an epiphany of lies my hands were telling my face each time they lifted something to my nose. I've been clean and doing well for a long time. Smoking cigarettes is dumb and I understand that. It scares me some mornings when I cough up disgusting colored mucus and I know it's not healthy Lord. I know I have to quit. However, I drink a cup of wine once in a great while to relax, to enjoy. I may smoke pot once in a great while to relax, to enjoy, to laugh and play.
You made these things. Set them before us and You are the Doctor of all Doctor's, the brain of all science, the creator of all things that exist. You knew that marijuana would have that effect just like you knew metal was a hard matter that could make or break things, kill or save them.
You know more than anyone what kills and what doesn't, what hurts and what doesn't, what's good and what's bad, but you set us out with no clues, no answers and only fear we won't do a good enough job in Your obstacle course.
I can't blame You Lord for the bad decisions I've made. I certainly can't. However, I can ask why. I can be curious to know where this life is taking me. I can ask You is there somewhere better than this? They say it's a place called Heaven. Heaven sounds like quite an effort to get into.
This book, this good book that was written is outdated. There is war, famine, Earthly disaster, destruction, pollution, sin and malevolence circling this world as we know it.
Man is spitting in Your face. Doctor's are trying to defy You. Lawyers are winning judgments for man all over the world as a profession that's highly paid when that was suppose to be your job.
Then there are silently broken, lost, scared children of Yours like myself wandering this Earth and waiting to find out if we're even on the list.
If I excercise, loose weight so I'm healthy, quit smoking cigarettes, never drink again, eat right, devout myself to You and Your works, stop having sex altogether, stop thinking sex, stop feeling anger inside even if someone punches me in the face say "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" and walk away, read the bible, go to church, give to the needy, feed the poor, love the unloveable, touch the fragile and awaken them with Your word, run through the streets shouting that Jesus is Lord will I reserve a seat in heaven?
I have a good heart. I cry out to You Lord from the bellows of my soul.
I live life in a sense of appreciation for everything You've given us even though it's falling apart.
I wait for a sign and I beg of You to wrap Your love around me and conform my life to You.
I plead on my knees and I cry helplessly for Your forgiveness for things I don't understand are unforgiveable but only natural.
2,000 years ago on a very cold day a man named Jesus died. He rose again three days after.
500 hundred people stood before Him and witnessed His calloused, punctured hands and feet. They saw Him rise and they believed because they saw it.
Now, 2,000 have passed and I still believe in a story long ago of a man named Jesus who taught us all how to love, be loved and enjoy the life we're given. How to treat each other with respect, how to get along, how to trust You when we are down and to walk with You when we are lost because You are the way, the truth and the light.
I didn't need to see it to believe it's true. I didn't need to tempt You or doubt You in order to believe in You Lord and Your message. Stop doubting me. Stop doubting all of us.
So I came to a conclusion.
You tempted us and continue to dangle free will before our very eyes because you wanted proof we were all Yours. You wanted proof of Your followers that they would be loyal.
How much proof do you need exactly? How many more nights can I panick while I lay down to sleep that You're not listening to my cries?
Am I a bad servant, a bad person?
I love unconditionally. I do not judge. I embrace nature and appreciate the wonderful place You've given us. I strive for joy within my being for Your acceptance and I hear nothing.
I give to those in need. I struggle to feed myself, let alone the poor but maybe I should trust You more. I go silently through life in good faith of Your will and I don't speak out against it.
I don't doubt You or Your capabilities or Your love. I walk through this maze, this glass house on my tip toes and still, I can't find You anywhere around here. So this is me speaking up. This is me asking. This is me letting it out. Maybe I'll finally get a good night's sleep.
Goodnight God.
Thanks for listening.
