Good to know what my tax money is paying for!!

This is one man with AMAZING editing!!

These guys are amazing.. God love NYC

Nintendo Rocks!

Art- The Big Secret

(This is another one of my many theories I developed when I was talking to a friend. Thought I would share.)

The big secret to art is emotion-Raw, uninhibited passion- love, anger, sadness, glee sprawled out on a canvas in unethical ways or molded into a vision. Anything could be art and could be seen in an enlightening way. The most divine capability, creation, being put to use live in front of you or even by the simple sunrise. Brilliant really. Skin in the same context as canvas. It just has to be a moving, living piece. In the same way that words outline your imagination and music lifts your spirit, so art in all it's beauty, all it's vibrant color, dances with your soul.

I also tend to put sex into this category. That, perhaps, is why it captivates me as if I were to be able to, although it is impossible because the oils in my fingertips would ruin it, run my fingers along Starry Night and feel every texture, every stroke, every sway, every calloused mark. I would be in awe, completely entranced, seeing it would make me cry alone.

Art doesn't have to be a straight line or a portrait for it to be amazing. When you approach an art museum or stand in front of a tall sculpture or hear a symphony, sometimes it can say so, so much. Every line and detail was one of those creations, even if it's as boring as a huge bronze George Washington, it still radiates power, sophistication, unity and a billion other things that associate with a tall bronze man in charge.

Art is freeing and lightens the already dark world. Life would be really boring without liveliness, without color.

Urges

When I really admit it, when I really think about it.. I'm sorry.

I was stuck with this terrible feeling to call you.

I wanted to just go "home". I wanted to show up with all of my things

and try again... Try to talk it out.. Work it out.. I had an urge.. A burning..

Then all of a sudden I opened my mail.. Thank you for making it worse.

I secretly hate you because I still love you so much it's eating at me in the

pit of my soul, in a deep place that I can not put into words it stings.

There's a little bead of anger that wants to scream "whyyyyyyyyyyyyy??!!!!"

The New Commandments

-That cozy couch or bed you're lounging in, you complain about it's old because you've had it over a year. At least you've got a place to put it in. At least you worked hard and built up to get it and to have something to call your own. Instead of saying "I told you so Heidi" one person has told me "I'm proud of you. You didn't fail because at least you tried for your dream."

-That job you hate is at least a job. Respect yourself and your co-workers. Stubborn is an ill-suited quality.

-That cell phone you throw when you were mad, well it's your communication to important people in your life and it's essential but you smashed it against the wall anyway or you answer with a drawl of exasperation, like it is the most dreadful thing to smile when you say hello. Same goes for all your material things. Treat them well or don't have them at all.

-That cigarette you light costs you 30 cents. Don't complain you have no money for a movie ticket.

-That shirt on your back you just had to have yesterday at the store is a luxury. Try sewing your own clothes for a while. you'll appreciate every stitch instead of leave our things on the floor.

-The people who do not judge you, love you unconditionally and tell you everything will be alright you take advantage of, treat poorly and speak to unkindly. Even worse, perhaps you ignore or don't say thanks enough or give back. You don't have to give many monetary things to give back either. Hug your sibling and say I love you. Kiss your mom's cheeks every time you see her. Don't go to bed angry, ever. Apologize if you've offended or been rude or dampen their feelings, even if you don't think your actions did, you shouldn't intend to hurt them so apologize sincerely. Think about what you are apologizing for. Never go without talking in a stubborn way after a fight with a loved one. Talk it out even if it's inaccurate assumptions, get it off your chest. Don't loose a great thing because you were too arrogant to speak your mind. If you can't speak your mind effectively, respectively and honestly, they are not the friend or family you deserve so long as it's within the means of your heart.

-Instead of staying to fight as lovers when you are incredibly mad, take a walk, think, cool down and return when you can speak articulately and without derogatory connotations.

-That repetitive lecture from your mother about getting a job shows she cares about your well being. Don't argue, cuss, fight or yell back. Nod your head and say thank you or don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

-That car you drive is a minority. Enjoy pumping the gas instead of thinking it's a pain in the ass to get out. That one station that won't come in doesn't deserve a punch any more than you would if you didn't tune in sometimes. Let anger be a passion, not a verb.

-The freedom you obtain to say what you want, drive where you want, live how you want in your own home was never free. Listen tentatively. Be appreciative and smile at strangers. Say thank you and mean it. Hold the door for that old lady at the supermarket and tell her you think she looks beautiful today and mean it. Let that lady with a kid go first and don't steal someone's parking lot. Refrain from using profanity and vulgarity towards anyone. It's toxic to your demeanor.

-That respect you gain from others that makes you gloat is unattractive. Humility and humble nature creates benevolent intent. Blindly lead by laughter and love, grace and gentle understanding not selfish endeavors. It will be paid back to you. Do not make an award winning triumph for the audience to clap, do it for them to learn, receive a message or enlighten by.

-That hot shower you take every day for 30 minutes uses roughly 48 gallons of water.

That is roughly 768 cups of drinking water for a child who is dying of dehydration somewhere you've never heard of. Don't waste paper. Be careful with your penmanship. When they said the metaphor stop and smell the roses, they meant slow down enough to pay attention to details.

-That slow washer and dryer you complain about is better than some people's hands after washing all their clothes raw everyday whose become curled, peeling and fragile. Treat it with care and read the labels.

-That exercise you never bother with isn't that difficult to begin. Put down the controllers and shut down your lap top. It releases natural Endorphins.

-That movie you wanted to go see is still playing.

-When your father says I'm proud believe him and say thank you.

-When you don't have to ask for anything from anyone be proud of who you are, where you've been, what you've learned and never stop learning but this does not give you the right to boast or compare yourself to others. We all walk beside each other, not from above or below. Extend the knowedge and peace inside to others at all opportunities by showing and doing, not by saying. Words are only things we choose to define.

-The breeze from the window as you drive to work is a luxury. Most people in the world walk.

-If you are able to eat at LEAST 3 times a week, buy new shoes once a year or sleep in a bed at night, you are part of the world's 8% wealthy. Do NOT complain about being poor.

-Your mother making dinner is one of life's gifts. Always close your eyes with the first bite and do the dishes. Clean up after yourself especially as a guest.

-Your mother nagging you to take a walk with her doesn't take much time and maybe she wants to talk, not just walk briskly. Maybe she wants an excuse to watch the sun come up with you. You're lucky she is well enough to walk, never mind alive at all.

-Your paycheck is only a piece of paper. Loving what you do is the big secret to continually growing success, not stepping up or on others to achieve your own idolatry.

-Your dignity and poise is your most important asset above all else. Never say I do not care.

-Sleep is under-rated. Take naps whenever you can.

-Sex is more than a three letter Cardio work out. Try sustaining until you are aware what equipment you are given, including mind, body and spirit and how others operate. If you don't know what you are doing you could hurt yourself or others. It's a known fact in the gym. Try applying it to your love life's. You can't be a smoker and try to run.

-Love in all forms and accept love in all forms. Soul-mates come in all shapes and sizes. Be honest when you meet one and never let it go because of quarrels.

-That spring in your step is over rated. It does not make you stand out. Walk confidently with your chin straight, not up, your eyes straight ahead so you can see the future and the skies. Wear clothes that fit properly regardless of what the number.

-Self Confidence is two ridiculous words we choose to define. People with true confidence exude and radiate a glow, they do not say it at all.

-That 50$ in your pocket that you put through the wash twice because you

forgot about it could go to charity. Put your things neatly where they belong. It only takes a couple minutes to check your pockets and a glance both ways before crossing the street. Proceed with caution.

-That stupid hobby your dad wants you to do with him is on of the most rewarding, heart felt opportunities to shoot the shit with him. Take him up on it, even if you are

gluing a stupid bird house together for your mom.

-Your dad being able to pick you up and take you for a coffee is a gift. When your parents give you anything, always attempt to pay it forward. Never ever complain about the color of the ice cream, be grateful you got any.

-Trusting yourself enough to know what you want and stick to it is a constant adventure. No one is perfect and we are all likely to change our minds numerous times.

Make sure you are aware of your consequences and have weighed the pros and cons.

All of these things you all take for granted. You want to know what's been going on with me lately? I LOST LITERALLY EVERYTHING AT ONCE. How would you deal with that?

Here I am telling you to find the heart of life is good even though the sky is falling.

If the shit is hitting the fan get an umbrella or close your eyes because the fan never stops spinning. Don't freak out about things you can not control.

Now please everyone. Stop assuming anything about me and what's been going on in my life. Stop judging me. You have no idea where I have been, what I have learned and the very difficult struggle of becoming me. I have been muted by life in a way that doesn't happen to most. I am in awe and everyday no matter how much affects me or keeps coming I can't put down the bat.

In The Night

After all was said and done, you would haunt me in the night.

I would wake and shiver to the cool breeze as if you were there again,

breathing down my neck, scratching, biting and holding tight.

To you this endless video repeating in your head

and teasing all your senses, an imprint forever in your bed.

It has consumed us both and you would quake

and itch for one more manifestation of my being and yours, as one, to wake.

There is a speechless place you have taken me to where all the world does not exist .

There is an electricity in the moonlight that radiates our souls perfectly as is.

This kind of love is more than most will ever know.

To the world it's an extra bounce in your step or corny smile, to me, an illuminating glow.

We have sounded across the valley's a symphony of orchestrated relief.

It is the sad and lonely living soul rejoicing it has found a moment of rest and peace,

even if only for the lonely night, love exists. And as it passes all the innocent ears,

it anonymously sends waves of vibrations across the earth,

they turn their gaze upward with tears

and thank God for it's subtle worth.

Sat, Oct 10 4:20 AM and drunken leaves

Well as you know it’s quite early in the morning. The crisp in the air is making my nose tingle and it slides through my lungs as I breathe in. I love this time of morn. It’s refreshing how the windowsills begin to illuminate the room and warm me instantly as the sun wakes up on this fall day. The leaves are tainted and glowing with a golden radiance as they swirl to the ground outside my window.

It’s funny how our senses can bring us back in our memory to a very moment in time as if you were there again. I gaze at this one, lonely leaf floating as if it were on water, dancing it’s way to the ground and landing so graceful as to not disturb the grass. It reminds me of being 6 again and walking to the town library, stopping to jump in a pile of leaves and lagging behind my class because I found a worm.

The cold refreshes, rejuvenates and removes the heavy, thick moisture of heat and leaves a specific scent with every windy wave hello. I smile back at the sky and wiggle my pinky in a wave as I hurry to catch up with my class.

I really enjoy the scenery on the long country roads here in New England. The leaves all tarnish to bronze yellow, brown, purple and orange ablaze creating tunnels down quiet roads that leave you in awe and driving ten miles an hour.

I was outside and found a puddle of leaves. I played with the settings on my camera and finally found the angle and shades I had imagined. There’s something beautiful about the intricate way nature has been made, even the frail, small, skinny veins on each little leaf or the teeny ridges on the back of that worm that day and the way that trees are full of life and emotion. They wave back or sway and mourn, they smile, dance and whistle, remain strong and sturdy, timeless and thirsty as they flip over for the rain to come, nearly forever indestructible by nature, completely torn by man.

I dare you to stoop to a puddle in the fall, level with the floating leaves, and view the world as an ant or rodent. It’s breath taking and remarkable the amount of us who take it for granted. What have I lost since childhood? The ability to get dirty, tardy, fall behind, pat a worm or the fearless calm with nature and all things? Have I forgotten sense of humility and humble notion? Have I forgotten I am but a small thing myself, a child of this earth, a rodent, a survivor or should I have just kept walking?

When I have moments like this, questions and revolution to societal govern and the flat lined responsibilities of adulthood, I tend to consider opposing sides but something deep within my heart still watches the sun come up and highlight the trees, homes, fields, roads and creatures with gold, as with any season and it’s wonderful landscapes painted before us. Something makes me giggle at the way the drunken leaf outside just danced to the ground and wasn’t aware of it’s own weight and that little bug on the screen door is probably scared I’ll open the door. I hope I never loose that angle. I hope I never grow up.

Daydreams

I arched my back at the thought and shuddered beneath her. She was like a lioness on the prowl, a master, a carnivore in the night as the animal inside her grew, she nibbled and moaned up my neck, finally finding way to my lips. She kissed hard, pulling me in, taking my bottom lip in her mouth and pulling in and out, back and forth. Every hair on my body arose and from the pit of my stomach came a roaring, moaning, scratching desire. She bit down hard and released, tasting the faintest hint of metallic blood on my lips, she licked her own and suddenly pulled my hair hard from underneath my pin, extending my neck, arching my back in a half moon formation against the dim lit wall. Then as if I had any control left she whispered in my ear and I gasped immediately at the thought.
"Suck," and she stopped, breathing hard, "my," with long execution, "fucking", I tingled, "tongue." Shivers shot up my spine from the pit of my warm cavern and there was a sliding crash to the floor as I let go of my cup because her grip was intense. Without flinching, without moving, without loosing eye contact and without skipping a beat her cup crashed to the ground, wine rupturing all over the floor and part of my pants as if she had the final word.
My heart beat was racing while anticipating the next move, frightened in a sensual way not to move any muscle on my body. She lunged her face towards mine and as if we crashed like our cups, I was sucking, nibbling and pulling her tongue into my mouth. Her hands began to roam again in the heat as if we were struck with fever, flushing all over.
After a long pause of sucking the savory juices from her tongue I let go. She grabbed my shoulders with force, pulled me towards her and slammed me hard back against the wall, nearly screaming in a whisper;
"I," my mouth pasty with desire, "am", her words triggering my every breath, grabbing my chin with her palm and squeezing her thumbs into my cheek as to look her straight in eye, "your master."
My hands shook for it took everything I had not to fight back. I felt like a taunted kitty with a dangling string, purring and waiting quietly for the lunge, for the flavor, the quakes. Suddenly my hand reached out and I grabbed her ass, pulling her in close and kissed her firmly on the lips. She slammed me against the wall again by the shoulders and in an instant she headed for the door as if nothing happened. In complete silence, the door opened and shut behind her. She was gone. Blood rushed to my head and I dove for the door, fumbling with the knob I finally opened it wide and stepped out calling her name with a mischievous grin.
"Don't go. Please master. I didn't mean it I swear. I'll be a good girl." I said in a hurry.
She came from my right immediately, I hadn't seen her there and put her hands up to my face in a gentle way, suddenly cupping my mouth and slamming me back through the door, kicking it shut behind her.

Courage To Fly

Prelude No. 10 by Sergei Rachmaninoff was my muse for this poem today. It's on my playlist Another Side Of Me.
If you listen to it, you might vividly imagine the exhileration of flight.

It began with a dream
an effort so it seemed
a destiny, a courage to fly

then slowly as time went by
it began a slow spiral, spinning
impossible for winning

I felt the wind take me higher to infinity
as gravity pulled me back to reality
stealing my very breath

putting my soul to the test
crashing, burning, falling
wasting time crawling

a spiral of life going around and 'round
right in front of me, slamming to the ground
helplessly I reach out my hands

attempting to catch it smothering on these lands
I thought I could go anywhere, do anything
I've failed on broken wings

I smile none the less
as again, I'll try and do my best
and once my wings are healed

taking flight, the sky revealed
this is not the end of my journey
there is too much to see

Photos were taken in the gulf and during my flight from Boston to Atlanta. I had a layover on my way to Orlando.

Sink Or Swim

I'm sorry if I've hurt you but I'm drowning.
I'm leaving this home we built in good timing.
The water all around me is rising
and I'm finding myself defining
exactly who I am and who I am not
for the first time, the fear makes me hot
My pulse races and I begin to sweat
as I reach for running thoughts I'll never get
They say sink or swim, you can't have both so you said
so here I am suddenly paddling for shore, away from your bed
There standing along the water's edge
is the magnificent glow and comfort of two familiar faces, leaning on the ledge
comtemplating the jump to meet me half way
because they already know how to swim anyway
and even if we don't make it back to shore
and all our time is spent swimming towards more
maybe we'll learn to back float and appreciate the sky
and maybe I'll never understand why
I've waited so long to enjoy the ride
but either way, there's still a high tide
the water smashes rocks along the floor
discarding all things in it's way, eroding, torn
we run the risk of danger, we're floating in it's turbulant path
but let's help each other find a spot to hold and latch
we run the risk of never pulling ourselves up from the depths
and I may fail, it may be difficult and require a lot of strength
but it's impossible to worry about the time of length
Should she stay on shore, holding a tree and leaning into the wind
or should she jump and fall in love with her best friend?
It's me standing there trying to save myself, the part I left behind
I think I'll dive and risk the pain of time
and love myself for the very first time, treading water
consider myself a best friend again even though trust is harder and harder
and it's you standing next to her, looking down, holding your breath
watching, patiently waiting to reach out a kind hand, reach for whatever's left

BAHAHA I write blogs like anyone actually reads them lol

bahahahahahahaahaha

It's invigorating how you may pass people in life and never know if you'll see them again.

It could be anyone, anywhere, anytime and suddenly, love falls on your lap like rain

from a cloud, or maybe a crashing plane. You don't know it when it happens.

It might take a long time and often times there's a state of denial because it couldn't

possibly be real, be comfortable, be that simple, that lovely... but it was indeed even if

it wasn't long enough, at least you've had it at all.

This is where our story begins.

This is something I'm working on. It's the beginning of a new novel idea I came up with and

I'd like to actually finish. What do you think of this paragraph? I can not post more about the story until it's completely finished which may take a long time but was curious about this.

For Connie

The world has turned the day to dark. I leave this night with heavy heart.

When I return to dry your eyes,

I will sing this lullaby. Yes, I will sing this lullaby.

I miss you..

River Dam

Sometimes like a river dam we overflow with stagnant water when we least expect it and the many paths once created by that wall converge and bring out a ration, erode or destroy what was so powerfully protected... Gravity wins making room for a new way of unity irrelevant to what's best but necessary all along... foolish people build dams and surprise themselves when they break..

Walk On The Ocean

We spotted the ocean
At the head of the trail
Where are we goin'
So far away
And somebody told me
That this is the place
Where everything's better
And everything's safe

CHORUS:
Walk on the ocean
Step on the stones
Flesh becomes water
Wood becomes bone

Half an hour later
We packed up our things
We said we'd send letters
And all of those little things
And they knew we were lyin'
But they smiled just the same
It seemed they'd already
Forgotten we came

(CHORUS X 2)

Back at the homestead
Where the air makes you choke
And people don't know you
And trust is a joke
We don't even have pictures
Just memories to hold
grows sweeter each season
as we slowly grow old

I came back to what I thought was home only to learn I'm a visitor for the first time.

I knock on the doors of homes I considered my own once.

I'm greeted with grins and surprise, excitement and they roll out the red carpet for their

visitor from another time as if I'm a long lost part of their history but proudly retreived.

They brush the dust off the seat I used to sit in as I ease myself into what used to be.

I look around and nothing's changed but change is all I feel.

I thought I was homesick. I came back to find I never knew home until now.

This very moment as I sit and contemplate the decisions I've made that removed myself

from the circle, the unity that once existed, I'm only missing my home, my life, my lover,

my bed, my kitchen, my front door, my own shower.

The only thing I learn as I grow is I've known nothing at all about anything I thought I did and to continually

let life's lessons humble me over and over again.

I missed these friends I can't seem to replace but have been so quickly replaced by.

I'm a visitor, a guest, an outsider and I put myself there.

It stings a bit, I won't lie. I wonder what I've done. What I should or could have done and I remember

what I did and suddenly, I'm proud.

I understand more now than ever what I won't know until then and it's refreshing.

I think I've figured out that I just have to live every moment isntead of the ones after and be grateful for those before and above all, never regret. Never regret.

Are you there, God?

From when we're little we're taught to read the bible and believe every word it says. When we are down, turn to the Lord. When we question Him, when we have doubt, open it's pages and read what He has to say. When we are in trouble, read psalms and pray. When we are in grief, it must have been God's way. When we are lost and alone, read some more, we'll find the truth.

I have so many questions burning in my soul, racing through my mind when I lay down to sleep at night. They say you aren't suppose to question Him. He is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, the way, the truth and the light. He is our savior, our peace, our humbling and forgiving Lord and we should never question His doing. Well, I'd like some solid sleep for once where my heart doesn't feel empty. I'm going to write out all my questions here for You, Lord.

When I see a child was murdered on TV, I try to just think that's the way of the world and that You couldn't do anything. That this was the way of life and tragedy happens. This is how it just turned out and it's our own faults. I try to let it settle.

When I see a mother die in the arms of her children because of the flu in Africa or HIV, I try to let that settle too.

When I see a homeless man on the street, shaking from deep within, not because it's cold, not because he's scared, because he's having alcohol withdrawal, I try to settle with that too.

When I wake up in the morning and breathe fresh air I'm grateful. When I eat well for a day, I'm grateful. When I pray, I praise You and I thank You for everything I have, even the gift of life itself, even the bad.

You gave us this world in the beginning. You created it and everything that exhists. You know things we couldn't even begin to comprehend. You trust in what You've given us in a way we couldn't understand and to see Your face, to seek You is something we can not fathom. We must wait patiently.

You gave us this world and everything in it and laid amongst the beautiful things the gift of temptation. You planted the most beautiful tree in the middle of the garden and said we couldn't touch it. Why? Why would you taunt us in the first place? Why would You let us all suffer for Eve's mistake?

You've given us the ability to have sex with all it's natural beauty. You know how we feel when we caress another's skin. You know that when two people combine their bodies it's much more than just rubbing their bellies near, it's music and what keeps us alive.

You create and love each one of us with special detail. Everything on Earth in it's place and order. Everything has a need, has a reason, a meaning and a use. Why?

You gave us free will and patted us on the bum and sent us into a forrest of temptation and said "You can look, but you can't touch my children."

I am so confused by the rules and regulations and govern of sin and man.

What is sin? I trust You Lord, I love You Lord, I need You in my life.

I don't trust man Lord, you've proven we can't time and time again.

This bible You sent us, this message, this word is suppose to be where we turn to look for You.

You sent Jesus to us to convey a message but it was 2,000 years ago.

You aren't here when depression seeps into the millions of people's lives all over the world who feel alone and hollow inside. You aren't here to hug us and tell us it's alright.

You aren't here when we get laid off from a company we've worked hard and long for and loose our homes to tell us it will be ok, we will survive.

If you get married, you have the right to make love. If you sign a little peice of paper and have it stamped by the witnesses, then it's allowed. It says in the bible that women remain unclean and not to be touched sexually for seven days after, during and before their period. This means only one week out of the month, religiously, sacrificially, all people who are married even Pastor's, shouldn't have sex during the other three weeks. How many of Your servants, Pastor's, Preacher's, married couples and saints can say they waited the 21 days? Is this sin against you?

Is it not good enough?

Why did You put these things in front of us, only to create a museum of the untouchable sacrifice? A glass house of do's and do nots, mostly do nots. A entire playground where you aren't allowed to play. An entire symphany of silence. A land of lost children. Why?

It also says in the bible John 3:16

For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son and that whosoever shall believeth in Him shall not perish, but live an everlasting life.

For God sent not His Son into the world for the world to be condemned, yet through Him, they might be saved.

On this cold day a man named Jesus died for our sins. He stood up for love and peace and died for His beliefs. He trusted in You so much that He became our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

When this happened, the old ways in the bible re-wrote themselves and the new chapters were written. That there is a life of prosperity and hope, love and joy beyond reconciliation.

It was called The New Testament. It divided many people around the world from Gentile's to Apostile's. It created wars and treason for 2,000 years all because a man named Jesus trusted You. This is incredible and I've never, ever in my life not been grateful for His presence, His sacrifice.

I lay in bed tonight wondering so many things. I am a sinner Lord. Please forgive me.

It says you shouldn't harm your body because it is the temple of the Lord.

This makes me think that maybe, if we treat our bodies well, You can live through us, shine through us with Your hope as You did Jesus, but You haven't found anyone like Him worthy enough? What about people that take good care of their bodies their whole lives, go to church, praise You, help the poor and needy, live by Your law to the best they can and devout themselves completely but still end up with Lymphoma, Diabetes, Heart failure or any horrid disease?

It says in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin amongst many, many other things that make us unpure.

You've made me a woman and I stand before you with supple breasts, soft hands and a pink vagina yet I'm encaptivated by women. If I weren't suppose to see them the way I do as a woman, why am I not a man?

To run my fingers down the nape of a woman's neck, to her stomache and further is like an affluent artist running their hands down Starry Night by Van Gogh for the very first time.

Passing each unique texture, feeling every energy and raw emotion of life within every stroke,

entranced in awe at the beautiful creation laid out before them. It's art to me. It takes my breath away. If this moment of peace is a sin, why am I a woman? To tease me?

To make love to a man and embrace his etched solidity in my core is like melting into the feeling for once in life that everything is just right for that one serene moment. So I find beauty in that instead as to not loose my reservation in Heaven. As I've said before the lines in his physique securing my emotions and my heart with every move, every breath, every thrust, every heartbeat. I don't have a little peice of paper to say I'm allowed to share taxes with him.

I don't have a witness to say how much I love him and he loves me, we just live, everyday, sin or no sin, in love. We embrace each other, comfort each other, bring joy and calm to each other. They are my lovers, my best friends. Do I really need a peice of paper for that? Can't you see it?

I've learned my lesson from drugs. I came close to death and only then for the first time did oxygen taste so sweet, so good, so pure. Only then did my mother's hands on mine feel so peaceful. Only then did I wake up and realize the importance of life itself and I'm sorry I fell so far. I twirled and spiralled into an epiphany of lies my hands were telling my face each time they lifted something to my nose. I've been clean and doing well for a long time. Smoking cigarettes is dumb and I understand that. It scares me some mornings when I cough up disgusting colored mucus and I know it's not healthy Lord. I know I have to quit. However, I drink a cup of wine once in a great while to relax, to enjoy. I may smoke pot once in a great while to relax, to enjoy, to laugh and play.

You made these things. Set them before us and You are the Doctor of all Doctor's, the brain of all science, the creator of all things that exist. You knew that marijuana would have that effect just like you knew metal was a hard matter that could make or break things, kill or save them.

You know more than anyone what kills and what doesn't, what hurts and what doesn't, what's good and what's bad, but you set us out with no clues, no answers and only fear we won't do a good enough job in Your obstacle course.

I can't blame You Lord for the bad decisions I've made. I certainly can't. However, I can ask why. I can be curious to know where this life is taking me. I can ask You is there somewhere better than this? They say it's a place called Heaven. Heaven sounds like quite an effort to get into.

This book, this good book that was written is outdated. There is war, famine, Earthly disaster, destruction, pollution, sin and malevolence circling this world as we know it.

Man is spitting in Your face. Doctor's are trying to defy You. Lawyers are winning judgments for man all over the world as a profession that's highly paid when that was suppose to be your job.

Then there are silently broken, lost, scared children of Yours like myself wandering this Earth and waiting to find out if we're even on the list.

If I excercise, loose weight so I'm healthy, quit smoking cigarettes, never drink again, eat right, devout myself to You and Your works, stop having sex altogether, stop thinking sex, stop feeling anger inside even if someone punches me in the face say "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" and walk away, read the bible, go to church, give to the needy, feed the poor, love the unloveable, touch the fragile and awaken them with Your word, run through the streets shouting that Jesus is Lord will I reserve a seat in heaven?

I have a good heart. I cry out to You Lord from the bellows of my soul.

I live life in a sense of appreciation for everything You've given us even though it's falling apart.

I wait for a sign and I beg of You to wrap Your love around me and conform my life to You.

I plead on my knees and I cry helplessly for Your forgiveness for things I don't understand are unforgiveable but only natural.

2,000 years ago on a very cold day a man named Jesus died. He rose again three days after.

500 hundred people stood before Him and witnessed His calloused, punctured hands and feet. They saw Him rise and they believed because they saw it.

Now, 2,000 have passed and I still believe in a story long ago of a man named Jesus who taught us all how to love, be loved and enjoy the life we're given. How to treat each other with respect, how to get along, how to trust You when we are down and to walk with You when we are lost because You are the way, the truth and the light.

I didn't need to see it to believe it's true. I didn't need to tempt You or doubt You in order to believe in You Lord and Your message. Stop doubting me. Stop doubting all of us.

So I came to a conclusion.

You tempted us and continue to dangle free will before our very eyes because you wanted proof we were all Yours. You wanted proof of Your followers that they would be loyal.

How much proof do you need exactly? How many more nights can I panick while I lay down to sleep that You're not listening to my cries?

Am I a bad servant, a bad person?

I love unconditionally. I do not judge. I embrace nature and appreciate the wonderful place You've given us. I strive for joy within my being for Your acceptance and I hear nothing.

I give to those in need. I struggle to feed myself, let alone the poor but maybe I should trust You more. I go silently through life in good faith of Your will and I don't speak out against it.

I don't doubt You or Your capabilities or Your love. I walk through this maze, this glass house on my tip toes and still, I can't find You anywhere around here. So this is me speaking up. This is me asking. This is me letting it out. Maybe I'll finally get a good night's sleep.

Goodnight God.

Thanks for listening.

Worry Tracked Carpets

I'm electrified with uncertainty and lost in a shadow of doubt

It's confusing games circle me, leaving me without

Cement fills my ambition as I sit, withering on the couch

Scrolling through the websites I've already checked out

The dishes I've washed three times in one day

and the laundry I folded late and on the floor they lay

The TV bores me and suffocates my mind

makes me wish I was someone else from another time

I wipe the same spot on the coffee table again

I vacuum the floors and roar from within

I try to listen to music and all I hear is hollow knocking

and the sun asks me to come and play, I sit, gently rocking

Time passes and I fall asleep, deep down into a dream

where I am alive and everything is perfect as it seems

I wander the worry tracked carpet, waiting for him to come home

so I have a purpose, I have no where else to roam

I think for a minute maybe I'll take the bus and go somewhere far

then I sit some more, the loneliness hitting me hard

I make dinner when he gets here and I glow with deceit

I'm not happy inside but I pretend to keep things neat

He worries anyway that all I do is sleep

I can't explain what it feels like to wish I were the sheets

I lay down for bed hollow and try to rest my mind

all I hear is the ticking away of time

I wake up the next day and try all over again to make it out the door

make it farther, push myself, try harder to go farther than before

Maybe I'll walk to the store on the corner or actually take the bus downtown

but instead I pace, tracing the same worry tracked steps round and round

The TV calls to my attention, tells me to turn it on, pleading for me to loose myself in it's light

I push the button, I sit and rock, I pace the floor and wait for night

I wash that dish, I hang up those clothes and I sit

waiting for another day where I fake it

Waiting for the sun to come that I never see

and the crisp, silent, ringing sound of nothing calling me

Love and all it's glory, all it's pain

the supposed sunshine after the rain

isn't enough to fix me inside

make these awful fears and thoughts hide

It doesn't hide my loneliness and the simple fact I miss my friends

it doesn't make my phone ring with a pleasant voice on the other end

It doesn't make it exciting to find anything in the mail addressed to me

it doesn't kill the pang in my heart that I chose this life for me

The troubles of my heart

Psa 25:16-17 Turn to me and be gracious to me, For I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses.

When I was younger, about 15, I was at a Christian retreat with some people from church, a place I knew long ago. It was a four day "Soul-Fest" of  christian related concerts and artists while the youthgroup camped out under a tent. 

I was mad because all the other kids were taking the Gondola up the top of the mountain, attending concerts and eating with out me. I felt left out and alone amongst thousands of "good people". 

I've always been that kid that ends up hanging out with the chaperones because I'm bored or mischeivous and just not part of a group usually, a misfit. 

I was sitting on the rocks by the river, thinking and pittying myself for being such a loner and nearly crying if no one was around.

This woman I looked up to was sitting on the rocks a little farther down. She was a good woman of good faith and character. She had a special glow of God's love that when you looked at her and how happy she was to be in praise, you knew she was a bit of an angel. She was one of the kids mom's, he was a year or two younger than me.

She was simple and usually quiet. She often guided us, talked to us and had a deep, non-judgmental soul that made you think you could tell her anything. 

I climbed down to her and told her my problem. That I was sad I was being left out. 

That it just wasn't fair that no one really took the time to get to know me, basically complaining like a child. 

She listened intently, her brow flexing with her thoughts while she sat on the rocks. 

She nodded and I let it all out. How I have felt alone my whole life and the toll it had taken on me emotionally.

Then finally, after I was done and couldn't find anymore words, her patience must have been remarkable because I certainly am long winded, she began to make sense of this thing called loneliness. She said maybe it was God's turn to get to know me and that this was a retreat to spend time with Him and get to know Him better afterall. She said maybe in times when we feel alone or people leave us out, it's nearly intentional for God to get our attention. 

That I should take time out and really focus on being grateful, feeling alive, talking to God and letting go of all that pain inside from a slew of things from my past and not worry about those kids. 

I was 15, that was simple then. Now I find myself sitting here at 12:36 AM on Friday night absolutely alone and I'm 22 years old. Life has changed drastically since then, college, my own apartment, I've basically grown up. That weekend made me appreciate my real friends at home a little more and I had a desire to show it more. Somewhere with work and life and trying to establish myself as an adult, I've lost them. When I was at home, in NH, they were fifteen minutes or just two hours away and we still all couldn't find time to get together.

A lot of my friends settled down with kids, got full time jobs and the every day life and responsibilities overwhelmed us all and before I knew it, we were chatting online once in a while instead of spending all summer together, laughing and talking and playing games.

I decided that it was too cold at home there in the north and moved to Florida where it's sunny and warm and I can get out of the house. I needed to do it for myself so I thought. I needed a new scene and a bit of serendipity. I wanted to start fresh and rebuild myself and take care of me for the very first time. I moved 1,500 miles away from everything I ever knew. 

It's been three months and I have no job and I'm sad, alone and bored. I'm a grown adult, and although I live with my boyfriend, he works and is tired a lot more than not, so I spend  a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. And when we fight over stupid things, or disagree I have no where to go. I can't decide whether it was foolish of me, whether I should feel guilty leaving the place and time I had, or if I should continue to try to start new. Then I start challenging my character, wondering what kind of person I am and it overwhelms me to think I might be an idiot.

Then I remembered what she said that day. Even though I feel alone and the world can pile against me with all it's stresses, I'm not alone. I haven't been to church in a long time because of personal reasons, dumb ones really and I don't even know where to go around here. Maybe God is making room for Himself again.. haha

He's not here to hug me when the bills come in the mail and I feel like I'm going to fail. 

He's not here to tell employers I'm worth it and need to get a job. 

He's not here to hug me when I feel alone and when I'm staring at a wall.

He's not here when I remember the pain of being alone and whisper it's going to be ok.

He's not here when I feel like a failure.

Then I remember they didn't have much time for me when I was home and I wasn't appreciated and how come they want to make me feel guilty now that I'm gone? Why are they suddenly available? 

The bills being paid do not make me a good person.

Money won't buy me happiness or peace.

At least I have a wall to stare at. 

And I'm not alone.

Maybe I've shut my door to everyone, even Him. Maybe I've forgotten what it feels like to be in His presence and to feel the glow of His love.

Maybe just maybe, He's calling to me right now in my time of despair so that I may remove the old to make room for new. Maybe "life catching up with you" in the adult world is a really bad excuse and I should have made time to be there but I can't take back time, I can't change what I've done. I can only start over new and I'm sorry if I've disappointed you.

With The Wind

The illusions of what you may think people are change with the wind when you bare true to yourself. Sometimes resulting positively, it's a process of elimination or the definition of true friends. You find out sadly that it may have been simple convenience leaving you feeling guilty for allowing yourself to be so kind. I decided to go where the wind was taking me, to feel the sun on my face more than two months out of the year and to recollect myself, maybe even start over new. I find it odd how unsure I am of the sacrifice it took inside to listen to my own heart, opposing what everyone needed, thought or wanted. I've come to a conclusion that no matter how many times I try to explain my endeavors and the weight on my heart to fly, people will think what they want and hear only selectively what they can't understand. They lure me with guilt instead of those rare and true who have excitement and know that no matter where I go, I'm always with them and only a phone call away. It's hard to face, but I'm glad I'm learning those who are truly happy for me. I'd rather have few good friends than have many that don't believe in me or know my heart. The sacrifice of leaving and giving up that comfort of many friends is nearly as heavily outweighed on my heart as deciding whether it is right I do for myself for the first time. Part of me is sad and wishes I could bury my heart's dreams for those who supposedly love me and go back to when it was simple for them to use me but that's the wonderful realization I've come to. I'm proud that I've done something and taken time to listen to myself and what I needed. I'm proud that even if I feel alone, I'm real. In order to build new things anyone knows you have to make room for them by destroying the old.

This is my journey and my new beginning and no one can take that away from me, even with their smug neglegence to answer when I call or write.

And momma, stop telling me how much you need me. It would be nice if you were genuinely excited and happy for me. I've accomplished more in the past three months here than I ever did there in years and I'm trying to make you proud, not hurt.

I didn't leave for any other reason than ones inside myself to go and experience life differently because I am young and free to change.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/06/01/business/01wind.600.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/01/business/01wind.html&usg=__FMDtJcCY22PaFnxfCmMciEbfKjI=&h=300&w=600&sz=24&hl=en&start=2&tbnid=YdqSoImkgJP7TM:&tbnh=68&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dthe%2Bwind%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

And I found the picture on top at:

http://pubpages.unh.edu/~kay73/CS%20Pictures/sailboat[1].jpg

Weeds

So this is random, but doesn't everybody wish their lives were like Weeds and that exciting where they got to hang out with Nancy all day? She's crazy and hilarious! Nancy seems like she's getting more confident, more stable, getting her shit together, but really, this is all a bad reaction to grief as some would say, and some would say it's her freedom and she's been this rebellious creature all along. Who better to portray the incandescence of Nancy's erotic behavior and stimulating action adventures in a beautifully pale silhouette than Mary Louise Parker? Everyone has options in life, she had some, but in turn, she's kind of lost it and instead of it shining a bad light on the world of drugs and dealers alike, it's showing us real people, real instances, and how someone on public night time news who just got arrested for drug trafficking might have made it to that place in their lives. I love how this show takes what seems perfect and ordinary, classy and ticky-tacky and defines exactly what is fucked up and what we've all known about the world to a much broader audience. Following the "Look Closer" theme of the great movie American Beauty, what you see on the outside isn't always what is within.
I was sitting at my best friend's house who happens to dispense marijuana for the greater good of peace and mankind in the city delivery style, and we began watching this together, from start to finish of season one to three with her boyfriend who also contributes to their casual entrepreneurship and that's the first comment he made after the first season.
"I really like how it doesn't make us look so bad and puts a different aspect on weed." Coke can kill with one blow too many, heroin addicts are the people of lost souls who drift in and out of reality and ecstasy is one of those boxes of chocolates Forrest Gump was talking about.
Actual studies of human's who use THC based products, most commonly known as Cannibas Sativa, Pot, Weed, Mary Jane or dope do not show results of brain damage whereas Heroin is a highly addictive drug derived from morphine, which is obtained from the opium poppy. It is a “downer” that affects the brain’s pleasure systems and interferes with the brain’s ability to perceive pain.
Marijuana does not affect the reproductive system whereas heroin and cocaine are continually growing statistics for birth defects, withdrawal symptoms and still born children.
It is said that there are almost as many chemicals in ground roasted coffee as there are in Weed.
In the 25 to 49 age group, illicit drug overdose is the fourth leading cause of death, about the same number as motor vehicle crashes. Marijuana tends to substitute for hard core drugs which can easily effect the nervous system and bodily functions and even create overdose on a regular basis in proven studies from countries or states which have wavered illicit marijuana use. The common statistics for hard core drug use overdose reported to emergency rooms in those areas have decreased greatly due to the readily availability in Marijuana. In order to overdose on Marijuana it takes 40,000 times the amount of THC Cannabinoids to acutally kill someone.
That basically means, you'd have to smoke yourself 40,000 joints or eat 20,000 pot brownies within a limited, short amount of time, let's say less than an hour, in order to overdose. No one can possibly smoke that much or eat that many brownies without going to the bathroom.
Marijuana cannabinoids are fat soluble and remain in the body in fat cells. People can die from one injection of Heroin, one tab of "E" or ecstasy, one line of cocaine or injection within seconds of taking the drug. Potheads would pass out at joint number five in ten minutes, take a long nap, wake up and eat a bunch of resees and try again, maybe have sex somewhere in the middle.
On this following website is listed a timeline of Marijuana and it's illegal state and how the whole thing began.
http://blogs.salon.com/0002762/stories/2003/12/22/whyIsMarijuanaIllegal.html
It states the most often cause of Marijuana illegalization was due to

• Racism
• Fear
• Protection of Corporate Profits
• Yellow Journalism
• Ignorant, Incompetent, and/or Corrupt Legislators
• Personal Career Advancement and Greed

Most often simulated, the prejudices of Mexican-Americans since the beginning of the 20th century and the government trying to control tax on grown Marijuana plantations and farming regulations have become the major motivation for illegalization with Marijuana. Does this sound familiar from the government? Control? No waaay..
I could understand the useful rights outlawing iilicit, harmful drugs such as heroin, coccaine, opiates and other hard drugs, but I don't understand the prejudices of Marijuana.
My mother told me once when I was younger, she found out I was smoking Marijuana and I thought she would be upset with me and I'd be grounded or in big trouble, but she sat down and gave me a talking to that I think the world should hear.
"If you come home from work and pour yourself a cup of red wine to relax and enjoy, maybe smoke a cigarette and watch TV because you've had a hectic day, then you are not abusing the alcohol and it's relaxing, legal qualities, none of which are medicinal. If you decide to come home after a long day and have six cups of wine, let's say a bottle and a half, then you are in trouble with yourself. It doesn't take that much to relax a little, only a cup or two responsibly in the evening if you are not driving or going out by yourself but if you end up drinking too much, you just swirl and puke and poop or say mean things to those you love, or love mean people you don't know in public and it's no good and that is abuse of anything. The same thing goes for Pot. It does not mean you can indulge or need to in other drugs or common things your friends might be doing, but perhaps to relax a little and have your cup of wine at night after a long day is no big deal just be responsible and don't shout it out loud and wave it all around and act like a dummy.
It doesn't make you poop yourself, it helps you eat better, and I sleep really well on it but don't you go abusing it and messing up your life or we will have issues. Do you have some anyway?"
It was perhaps one of the most proud moments I've ever had of her in my life. I knew she smoked sometimes, cigarettes have a different smell and I wasn't a stupid child, but her reaction, her words were priceless and I still remember her speech loud and clear in my head.
I've had my bouts with other drugs not because of Marijuana but because I was in pain at work and tried different things to make it through the night and got hooked. It was a stupid move and my mother gave me many lectures after rehab, countless times, never the less supportive of my dumb mistakes. Having tasted a little bit of addiction with other drugs because of my own stupidity and God Bless me that I'm alive and well, I think I'll stick to Pot from now on and I'm not ashamed or scared to say so. I don't smoke often, in fact, it's been two months now and I don't think about it much and I feel no sudden urge to have to get high, sometimes after a long hard day at work, I sit and relax with my cup of wine and a joint and watch TV, smoke a cigarette, eat and sleep really well and I like that.
When I was in rehab two summers ago now, I had an amazing Dr to work with. I won't mention names here, but she and I were talking outside for a long time one day in the sun. She kept asking me questions about my addiction, where it started and why, what I've learned and how etc. I told her everything and how low I had fallen, how much I had learned and it was the hardest thing to admit where it started and that it was ridiculous of me to in the first place instead of getting the proper medical help I needed. When I bought up Pot and how it relaxed me and my anxious mind and everything I was going through, she asked me a question I'll never forget. "And what do you think about Pot? Do you feel the same and as low with the other drugs like you can't function and it takes away from who you are, or does it help you, center you? Do you feel like you need it? I won't be with you to tell you not to do anything in the future when you go home, no one will be there to warn you or remind you what you went through but yourself. If you feel like you can't handle pot, then don't bother. One of the most difficult things you'll have to do is separate yourself from other users, even if it's your friends, especially with hard drugs that can kill you. What do you think about pot in those circumstances?"
After all that self reflecting and thinking about life while I was there, and all I had learned from other people's stories, this was the one conclusion I was sure of. We talked about politics and government, stock holders and the economy, drugs and their affects on young kids, sex and how it is in society and societies effect on the world. It was one of the best conversations I've had in my life. I'm very grateful. She was an incredibly intelligent woman who kind of looked like Marilyn Monroe in recent years if she were alive and well. I've been clean and sober for a long time now, I don't drink, maybe a beer once in a great while but I didn't have a big problem with that other than coming down, I needed something to fill in the blanks. I still smoke pot once in a while and there are not any medical anxiety drugs out there that help me eat and sleep as well as calm me down when I'm over worked or depressed, make me laugh as much. I can't overdose and end up back in rehab, I don't feel like it controls my life at all and I feel good. I don't feel dependant on it, it's not hard to say no when I don't feel like smoking and I don't abuse it.
The one thing I learned, which I think relates to all of us from Weeds and Nancy's story, is not to judge the life she lives. To educate yourself about something before you form an opinion.
To break out from the ticky tacky people and all their boxes that look just the same and live a little of your own life and stop worrying about others. The only thing I disagreed with is the gun scene in weeds where they were held captive over some money from weed. This doesn't usually happen to this extreme that I've ever heard of. Potheads are simple and exchange the goods on a rational, friendly term. When other drugs or money get involved, never borrow for large amounts of weed, that is abuse and addiction which is rare, it can cause trouble, it is TV after all.
I don't suggest young kids smoke all the time because of school just like I wouldn't want a young kid drinking because of school and it's just morally wrong, but as adults of all ages, it's not only a medicinal relief for many different types of issues from mental to physical health including cancer patients, but also a common ground as similar to Alcohol but less harmful to enjoy.
So as with anything, even Twinkies, you can abuse the enjoyment. Be careful, smoke responsibly, but live on and live free! I can't wait for season 5 to come out. I've been waiting a long time!!

Educated Nation

I can count to one million, it would take a long time.

I can rant about the history of the dime

and how many presidents changed thier minds

about which bombs to drop on innocent lines

I can read, write,do math and make something out of sugar or glass

believe me, I've been taught, I've taken that class

I can build a small rocket ship, we can send a man to the moon

"We're educated,intelligent" but college graduate really means drunken bafoon

We consider ourselves sufficient, genuine, wise and great

The best! the most smart! but we still have inter-racial debate

While our kids are being raised to think that brain power makes your life complete

instead of heart, maturity, understanding of those we meet

We are a generation of cowards who hide behind these bombs and walls

You have the best grades but you trip a fat kid in the halls

Our leaders who are to bring us to unity

keep our safety and teach humanity

are fighting against each other, waging wars on these lives

for the better of the lands, forget the lonesome widowed wives

We stomp through the forrests because the millionaires need five homes

and we ruin the trees, burn down animal huts to leave them to roam

We call ourselves good people and we judge by political debate

in all societies, we judge each other and determine our fates

There was a time long ago, before I was born where it was safe

you could let your children play, and not worry they'd get raped

while officers of the law stand by and watch the people cry

and say they have treated us all equally, if you're white, they can't deny

I'm an educated woman and a voter that demands respect

I'm a person, a lover and a face, a natural intellect

I'm a tax paying, hard working friend, sister and invisible

I'm your people, we are our people, one nation, under God, indivisible

We are the voice of courage, the hope of future, the next generation

Here I am, screaming for your attention before we fail in exasperation

Listen to your people, listen to this world breathe 

the wind cries it's impossible, we all must leave

Let's stop and think about a simple conclusion 

could we detonate all the H bombs without hesitation

or can we save ourselves, the educated guests 

of this world which may suggest

we are living in hell if there are so many alone

and dying because of the unseen, the unknown

Can we forgive each other and work on world peace?

People wish for it and get laughed at, teared apart, peice by peice

is this hope of a new nation, or lost cause, a dying pursuit

or can we stand under one sky, creating happiness, or is it moot?

Dear Mr. President

I heard from a wise woman tonight that if I'm having trouble in my relationship, break out a deck of cards or a good word puzzle book. She said sometimes the mind can go crazy especially when going through tough times like we are and we tend to take it out on the ones we love the most and say things we don't mean to each other. She said so many things I never thought of before.

We fight often lately, mostly because we are under a lot of stress and even though we're madly in love, we're also just plain mad. 

I left a job and a life that was comfortable and stable and I didn't even know it. When I met him it was a while ago now, but in the beginning, we both had boring, stable lives. It's funny how you appreciate something once it's gone like a person. 

I got up everyday, numb just the same, but I got up and went to work and came home and did the same thing everyday and every weekend was nearly predictable. I ate well and as frequently as I wanted. I spoiled myself on a dollar store item once in a great while. I had my car and money for gas and a good head on my shoulders and for the first time I thought I was beginning to heal. I had a roof over my head and a warm home and good friends but I still couldn't see it. 

He had nearly the same minus a job. I didn't know in the beginning, but after talking I've learned that this wise woman had a bad back a while ago and needed his help so he stayed home everyday, every weekend and fed her and helped her and sacrificed his own freedom for her. 

I assumed he was just too deep to get a job. Sometimes depression weighs you down and post trauma lifestyles become habitual so I chalked it up to nearly lazy or incompitent.

He had a roof over his head, food in his belly, coffee every morning, warmth and all the things that we consider stable but neither of us had true love. 

We walked right into fate and each day is a learning process. We decided to make a big move not only in our relationship, but in our individual lives and up and move to Florida from New Hampshire. We both needed to get out of that poor, cold weather and heal a little bit in the sun. We both needed to start fresh and were excited about the opportunity to do so.

We've both been through a lot and some of it similar, some very different kind of pains.

We got here with a dream. Sometimes we don't always agree and just sometimes we don't get along and we are two very different creatures. Sometimes it's like we naturally balance each other out. I'm crazy and eccentric and irrational and impulsive and carefree and loveable and senseless and clumsy and he's smart and logical and organized and rational and intellectual and everything it seems at times, I'm not. 

But the one thing we agree on is our love for each other and wanting to make a life together.

We both want a nice house. We want more than a house with walls and a ceiling, we want a home to call our own. We want to be able to go to work, come home and eat dinner together and watch the news and maybe go for ice cream or to the beach. We both want to be independent and wholesome. I said once that the object of love is not to be perfect but beautifully imperfect and to work together as a well oiled machine, not against. 

We agree that we have the same dream of loving each other, to have and to hold, regardless of life's quirky stipulations. We have run into some major issues that is challenging our relationship greatly. 

We have no more money and we are 1500 miles away from what we use to call home. We both have too much pride to admit we need help and we are hungry and fight about food a lot. Getting a job seemed like it wouldn't be so bad since we're both well-rounded, smart, hardworking people or so we thought. It's been a few weeks now and we're totally broke and it's been such a conflict for no reason. Money can't buy you love or passion. It can't buy happiness. 

I keep reminding him that this too shall pass. Neither of us are perfect and say horrific things when we are mad and tonight, for the first time, he almost left, literally.

It stirred my soul and made me want to puke that it has come to this. 

We got into a fight and I followed him all the way down the street as he was trying to thumb a ride. Finally my heart had enough and started to wail. I let it out. I spoke with my heart and not my stomache or my aching, racing mind. 

We calmed down after a long time of crying on the curb down the street. 

We both fell to the ground crying. Could our dreams be crushed? Could this really be happening?

So we talked about life, at least I sure as hell did and I came to a conclusion that I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him and he loves me and we need to work through this. We can't give up before we even begin. Life is going to be a series of trials and tribulations. We will be tested and our faith will be challenged. Our characters will be judged and yes, perhaps we'll be hungry. We've been eating ramen and other stuff. Our friend we are staying with has been so gracious. She took me out to a Mexican grille which was cheap and I saved him half my plate.

That's all he ate Friday other than when we scrounged for change for more food at the supermarket. Then I sucked it up and asked my sister for help. She's such a saint. I don't want to be needy of her. She's already done so much but I have good intentions to pay her back for everything which I'm not sure I truly ever can. Either way she sent a Western Union Money Order and we bought some staple foods with it but they're almost gone and that's what we fought about tonight. He wanted to eat a sandwich and I was concerned about eating tomorrow or the next day in case my money doesn't clear. 

I found myself on my knees in the middle of the road at the end of our drive, pouring my heart out to him to make him stay and stop sticking his thumb out all because we're poor. 

He called his mother, the wise woman, and she said we need to invest in a deck of cards and some puzzle books so we don't go crazy. She said we can't do it without God in our lives and to pray because it's impossible without him. 

Things are fine now. We both talked to her on the phone for a long time about life but I'm still in awe that I gave up everything that was normal for my dream and I feel like I'm tredding water. 

I just want to be able to have a bed, and some food, and a house of my own, and a job and a dream again. A fire inside my soul, something to be passionate about.

When did America become like this? Can anyone answer me how so many people have 10 houses and cars when some can't even buy shoes? Like I've said, communism only looks good on paper and money can't buy anything except some cheap puzzles maybe but perhaps, just perhaps this world will stop and help each other. 

Tomorrow I'm going to research some soup kitchens if any in the area and see what I can do about unemployment. Maybe Tuesday I'll storm Washington and tell the president a thing or two (don't get me arrested I hardly have the balls) about life and how it is. 

I don't oppose immigration, I certainly am a mutt myself, but why do I see new guests in our country driving Escalades and wearing health cards like it's going out of style when a Vet is on the curb with a sign saying "Will work for food" and he served, maybe got shot for us and our freedom of disposable income?

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?

-Pink is brilliant :O)