When I was younger, about 15, I was at a Christian retreat with some people from church, a place I knew long ago. It was a four day "Soul-Fest" of christian related concerts and artists while the youthgroup camped out under a tent.
I was mad because all the other kids were taking the Gondola up the top of the mountain, attending concerts and eating with out me. I felt left out and alone amongst thousands of "good people".
I've always been that kid that ends up hanging out with the chaperones because I'm bored or mischeivous and just not part of a group usually, a misfit.
I was sitting on the rocks by the river, thinking and pittying myself for being such a loner and nearly crying if no one was around.
This woman I looked up to was sitting on the rocks a little farther down. She was a good woman of good faith and character. She had a special glow of God's love that when you looked at her and how happy she was to be in praise, you knew she was a bit of an angel. She was one of the kids mom's, he was a year or two younger than me.
She was simple and usually quiet. She often guided us, talked to us and had a deep, non-judgmental soul that made you think you could tell her anything.
I climbed down to her and told her my problem. That I was sad I was being left out.
That it just wasn't fair that no one really took the time to get to know me, basically complaining like a child.
She listened intently, her brow flexing with her thoughts while she sat on the rocks.
She nodded and I let it all out. How I have felt alone my whole life and the toll it had taken on me emotionally.
Then finally, after I was done and couldn't find anymore words, her patience must have been remarkable because I certainly am long winded, she began to make sense of this thing called loneliness. She said maybe it was God's turn to get to know me and that this was a retreat to spend time with Him and get to know Him better afterall. She said maybe in times when we feel alone or people leave us out, it's nearly intentional for God to get our attention.
That I should take time out and really focus on being grateful, feeling alive, talking to God and letting go of all that pain inside from a slew of things from my past and not worry about those kids.
I was 15, that was simple then. Now I find myself sitting here at 12:36 AM on Friday night absolutely alone and I'm 22 years old. Life has changed drastically since then, college, my own apartment, I've basically grown up. That weekend made me appreciate my real friends at home a little more and I had a desire to show it more. Somewhere with work and life and trying to establish myself as an adult, I've lost them. When I was at home, in NH, they were fifteen minutes or just two hours away and we still all couldn't find time to get together.
A lot of my friends settled down with kids, got full time jobs and the every day life and responsibilities overwhelmed us all and before I knew it, we were chatting online once in a while instead of spending all summer together, laughing and talking and playing games.
I decided that it was too cold at home there in the north and moved to Florida where it's sunny and warm and I can get out of the house. I needed to do it for myself so I thought. I needed a new scene and a bit of serendipity. I wanted to start fresh and rebuild myself and take care of me for the very first time. I moved 1,500 miles away from everything I ever knew.
It's been three months and I have no job and I'm sad, alone and bored. I'm a grown adult, and although I live with my boyfriend, he works and is tired a lot more than not, so I spend a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. And when we fight over stupid things, or disagree I have no where to go. I can't decide whether it was foolish of me, whether I should feel guilty leaving the place and time I had, or if I should continue to try to start new. Then I start challenging my character, wondering what kind of person I am and it overwhelms me to think I might be an idiot.
Then I remembered what she said that day. Even though I feel alone and the world can pile against me with all it's stresses, I'm not alone. I haven't been to church in a long time because of personal reasons, dumb ones really and I don't even know where to go around here. Maybe God is making room for Himself again.. haha
He's not here to hug me when the bills come in the mail and I feel like I'm going to fail.
He's not here to tell employers I'm worth it and need to get a job.
He's not here to hug me when I feel alone and when I'm staring at a wall.
He's not here when I remember the pain of being alone and whisper it's going to be ok.
He's not here when I feel like a failure.
Then I remember they didn't have much time for me when I was home and I wasn't appreciated and how come they want to make me feel guilty now that I'm gone? Why are they suddenly available?
The bills being paid do not make me a good person.
Money won't buy me happiness or peace.
At least I have a wall to stare at.
And I'm not alone.
Maybe I've shut my door to everyone, even Him. Maybe I've forgotten what it feels like to be in His presence and to feel the glow of His love.
Maybe just maybe, He's calling to me right now in my time of despair so that I may remove the old to make room for new. Maybe "life catching up with you" in the adult world is a really bad excuse and I should have made time to be there but I can't take back time, I can't change what I've done. I can only start over new and I'm sorry if I've disappointed you.
![http://pubpages.unh.edu/~kay73/CS%20Pictures/sailboat[1].jpg](http://pubpages.unh.edu/~kay73/CS%20Pictures/sailboat[1].jpg){kind=link}