Dear Mr. President

I heard from a wise woman tonight that if I'm having trouble in my relationship, break out a deck of cards or a good word puzzle book. She said sometimes the mind can go crazy especially when going through tough times like we are and we tend to take it out on the ones we love the most and say things we don't mean to each other. She said so many things I never thought of before.

We fight often lately, mostly because we are under a lot of stress and even though we're madly in love, we're also just plain mad. 

I left a job and a life that was comfortable and stable and I didn't even know it. When I met him it was a while ago now, but in the beginning, we both had boring, stable lives. It's funny how you appreciate something once it's gone like a person. 

I got up everyday, numb just the same, but I got up and went to work and came home and did the same thing everyday and every weekend was nearly predictable. I ate well and as frequently as I wanted. I spoiled myself on a dollar store item once in a great while. I had my car and money for gas and a good head on my shoulders and for the first time I thought I was beginning to heal. I had a roof over my head and a warm home and good friends but I still couldn't see it. 

He had nearly the same minus a job. I didn't know in the beginning, but after talking I've learned that this wise woman had a bad back a while ago and needed his help so he stayed home everyday, every weekend and fed her and helped her and sacrificed his own freedom for her. 

I assumed he was just too deep to get a job. Sometimes depression weighs you down and post trauma lifestyles become habitual so I chalked it up to nearly lazy or incompitent.

He had a roof over his head, food in his belly, coffee every morning, warmth and all the things that we consider stable but neither of us had true love. 

We walked right into fate and each day is a learning process. We decided to make a big move not only in our relationship, but in our individual lives and up and move to Florida from New Hampshire. We both needed to get out of that poor, cold weather and heal a little bit in the sun. We both needed to start fresh and were excited about the opportunity to do so.

We've both been through a lot and some of it similar, some very different kind of pains.

We got here with a dream. Sometimes we don't always agree and just sometimes we don't get along and we are two very different creatures. Sometimes it's like we naturally balance each other out. I'm crazy and eccentric and irrational and impulsive and carefree and loveable and senseless and clumsy and he's smart and logical and organized and rational and intellectual and everything it seems at times, I'm not. 

But the one thing we agree on is our love for each other and wanting to make a life together.

We both want a nice house. We want more than a house with walls and a ceiling, we want a home to call our own. We want to be able to go to work, come home and eat dinner together and watch the news and maybe go for ice cream or to the beach. We both want to be independent and wholesome. I said once that the object of love is not to be perfect but beautifully imperfect and to work together as a well oiled machine, not against. 

We agree that we have the same dream of loving each other, to have and to hold, regardless of life's quirky stipulations. We have run into some major issues that is challenging our relationship greatly. 

We have no more money and we are 1500 miles away from what we use to call home. We both have too much pride to admit we need help and we are hungry and fight about food a lot. Getting a job seemed like it wouldn't be so bad since we're both well-rounded, smart, hardworking people or so we thought. It's been a few weeks now and we're totally broke and it's been such a conflict for no reason. Money can't buy you love or passion. It can't buy happiness. 

I keep reminding him that this too shall pass. Neither of us are perfect and say horrific things when we are mad and tonight, for the first time, he almost left, literally.

It stirred my soul and made me want to puke that it has come to this. 

We got into a fight and I followed him all the way down the street as he was trying to thumb a ride. Finally my heart had enough and started to wail. I let it out. I spoke with my heart and not my stomache or my aching, racing mind. 

We calmed down after a long time of crying on the curb down the street. 

We both fell to the ground crying. Could our dreams be crushed? Could this really be happening?

So we talked about life, at least I sure as hell did and I came to a conclusion that I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him and he loves me and we need to work through this. We can't give up before we even begin. Life is going to be a series of trials and tribulations. We will be tested and our faith will be challenged. Our characters will be judged and yes, perhaps we'll be hungry. We've been eating ramen and other stuff. Our friend we are staying with has been so gracious. She took me out to a Mexican grille which was cheap and I saved him half my plate.

That's all he ate Friday other than when we scrounged for change for more food at the supermarket. Then I sucked it up and asked my sister for help. She's such a saint. I don't want to be needy of her. She's already done so much but I have good intentions to pay her back for everything which I'm not sure I truly ever can. Either way she sent a Western Union Money Order and we bought some staple foods with it but they're almost gone and that's what we fought about tonight. He wanted to eat a sandwich and I was concerned about eating tomorrow or the next day in case my money doesn't clear. 

I found myself on my knees in the middle of the road at the end of our drive, pouring my heart out to him to make him stay and stop sticking his thumb out all because we're poor. 

He called his mother, the wise woman, and she said we need to invest in a deck of cards and some puzzle books so we don't go crazy. She said we can't do it without God in our lives and to pray because it's impossible without him. 

Things are fine now. We both talked to her on the phone for a long time about life but I'm still in awe that I gave up everything that was normal for my dream and I feel like I'm tredding water. 

I just want to be able to have a bed, and some food, and a house of my own, and a job and a dream again. A fire inside my soul, something to be passionate about.

When did America become like this? Can anyone answer me how so many people have 10 houses and cars when some can't even buy shoes? Like I've said, communism only looks good on paper and money can't buy anything except some cheap puzzles maybe but perhaps, just perhaps this world will stop and help each other. 

Tomorrow I'm going to research some soup kitchens if any in the area and see what I can do about unemployment. Maybe Tuesday I'll storm Washington and tell the president a thing or two (don't get me arrested I hardly have the balls) about life and how it is. 

I don't oppose immigration, I certainly am a mutt myself, but why do I see new guests in our country driving Escalades and wearing health cards like it's going out of style when a Vet is on the curb with a sign saying "Will work for food" and he served, maybe got shot for us and our freedom of disposable income?

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?

-Pink is brilliant :O)

ARK: Act of Random Kindness

There's a peace inside when you have the comfort of depression.
It fills the hollow hole of incompleteness. 
A lot of people don't get it. The simplicity. How it eats at you. It's worse when someone you love is drowning in it.
Sometimes life isn't fair. It's unjust and cruel. It bites you in the ass every chance it gets and the fight is called life.
It consumes you and all of your relationships which are the founding reasons we as humans are separate from other animals. 
The ability to love and be loved is not a fairytale or impossible thing. It's a hard effort to let someone in that close but it is the reason worth the battle itself.
Some people think I'm naive and some think I don't know a clue about anything real,especially you, I'm sure. It's not the first time my heart has been challenged or my soul considered weak. Not the last time that my faith has been questioned and my insight been too strongly said. 
It's not the first time I've considered I have no filter or remorse for the truth. It hurts. Just like the struggle of life and death.
It's not the last time I've considered I am helpless and have no ability to save you. It hurts. Just like watching someone fall apart. 
I can't help but think, even though I have my faults, that I'm incredibly proud of these very few things:
My ability to love people irrelevant to their reputation, past or issues. 
The way I see the truth which stabs and sometimes scorns the comfort of ignorance.
Who I am and have become and all that has made me as strong as I am today, even my flaws.
My freedom to so quickly let people in which can be good and bad for myself because I know right away who is welcome or not.
The altruism that lies heavily on my heart and my incapability to not reach out and give a piece of it. Without that stubbornness and naivety, I'd be hollow myself. 
I'll keep reaching out. I'll keep speaking the truth. I'll never not love you. I'll always make my own judgments and I can't hear anything but my heart and yes, I'm proud of that. 
Don't challenge my view of the world. Don't challenge my sight and how beautifully I see you, any of you. And damn it, grab my hand if you're sinking. I certainly wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't take that hand once myself. It's a humbling experience. 
I've learned a lot about being taken advantage of because people don't have hope in themselves but I have yet to give up.
I've learned a lot about moments I could've or should have helped and didn't, and the result when it was such a simple tug. 
There's only so much one person can do, only so many hands to reach out. You have to decide to reach back. To love and be loved. To live and let live. To give and get given to. To bend with the eb and flow of life's quirky moments.
You have your life in your hands, so live it. 
And as far as my faith and relationship with God, I'd have to say that I am most proud of and that I have been challenged with the most. 
I was watching Evan Almighty and I cried. Joan was unaware she was speaking to God. She doubted her husband and his loyal commitment to serve God so much she left him and this is what God said in regards to the story of Noah's Ark:

God: Well, I think it’s a love story about believing in each other. You know, the animals showed up in pairs. They stood by each other, side by side, just like Noah and his family. Everybody entered the ark side by side. 

Joan: But my husband says God told him to do it. What do you do with that? 

God: Sounds like an opportunity. Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, do you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If they pray for courage, does God give them courage, or does he give them opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for their family to be closer, you think God zaps them with warm, fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other? Well, I got to run. A lot of people to serve. Enjoy.