Are you there, God?

From when we're little we're taught to read the bible and believe every word it says. When we are down, turn to the Lord. When we question Him, when we have doubt, open it's pages and read what He has to say. When we are in trouble, read psalms and pray. When we are in grief, it must have been God's way. When we are lost and alone, read some more, we'll find the truth.

I have so many questions burning in my soul, racing through my mind when I lay down to sleep at night. They say you aren't suppose to question Him. He is the beginning and the end, the alpha and the omega, the way, the truth and the light. He is our savior, our peace, our humbling and forgiving Lord and we should never question His doing. Well, I'd like some solid sleep for once where my heart doesn't feel empty. I'm going to write out all my questions here for You, Lord.

When I see a child was murdered on TV, I try to just think that's the way of the world and that You couldn't do anything. That this was the way of life and tragedy happens. This is how it just turned out and it's our own faults. I try to let it settle.

When I see a mother die in the arms of her children because of the flu in Africa or HIV, I try to let that settle too.

When I see a homeless man on the street, shaking from deep within, not because it's cold, not because he's scared, because he's having alcohol withdrawal, I try to settle with that too.

When I wake up in the morning and breathe fresh air I'm grateful. When I eat well for a day, I'm grateful. When I pray, I praise You and I thank You for everything I have, even the gift of life itself, even the bad.

You gave us this world in the beginning. You created it and everything that exhists. You know things we couldn't even begin to comprehend. You trust in what You've given us in a way we couldn't understand and to see Your face, to seek You is something we can not fathom. We must wait patiently.

You gave us this world and everything in it and laid amongst the beautiful things the gift of temptation. You planted the most beautiful tree in the middle of the garden and said we couldn't touch it. Why? Why would you taunt us in the first place? Why would You let us all suffer for Eve's mistake?

You've given us the ability to have sex with all it's natural beauty. You know how we feel when we caress another's skin. You know that when two people combine their bodies it's much more than just rubbing their bellies near, it's music and what keeps us alive.

You create and love each one of us with special detail. Everything on Earth in it's place and order. Everything has a need, has a reason, a meaning and a use. Why?

You gave us free will and patted us on the bum and sent us into a forrest of temptation and said "You can look, but you can't touch my children."

I am so confused by the rules and regulations and govern of sin and man.

What is sin? I trust You Lord, I love You Lord, I need You in my life.

I don't trust man Lord, you've proven we can't time and time again.

This bible You sent us, this message, this word is suppose to be where we turn to look for You.

You sent Jesus to us to convey a message but it was 2,000 years ago.

You aren't here when depression seeps into the millions of people's lives all over the world who feel alone and hollow inside. You aren't here to hug us and tell us it's alright.

You aren't here when we get laid off from a company we've worked hard and long for and loose our homes to tell us it will be ok, we will survive.

If you get married, you have the right to make love. If you sign a little peice of paper and have it stamped by the witnesses, then it's allowed. It says in the bible that women remain unclean and not to be touched sexually for seven days after, during and before their period. This means only one week out of the month, religiously, sacrificially, all people who are married even Pastor's, shouldn't have sex during the other three weeks. How many of Your servants, Pastor's, Preacher's, married couples and saints can say they waited the 21 days? Is this sin against you?

Is it not good enough?

Why did You put these things in front of us, only to create a museum of the untouchable sacrifice? A glass house of do's and do nots, mostly do nots. A entire playground where you aren't allowed to play. An entire symphany of silence. A land of lost children. Why?

It also says in the bible John 3:16

For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son and that whosoever shall believeth in Him shall not perish, but live an everlasting life.

For God sent not His Son into the world for the world to be condemned, yet through Him, they might be saved.

On this cold day a man named Jesus died for our sins. He stood up for love and peace and died for His beliefs. He trusted in You so much that He became our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

When this happened, the old ways in the bible re-wrote themselves and the new chapters were written. That there is a life of prosperity and hope, love and joy beyond reconciliation.

It was called The New Testament. It divided many people around the world from Gentile's to Apostile's. It created wars and treason for 2,000 years all because a man named Jesus trusted You. This is incredible and I've never, ever in my life not been grateful for His presence, His sacrifice.

I lay in bed tonight wondering so many things. I am a sinner Lord. Please forgive me.

It says you shouldn't harm your body because it is the temple of the Lord.

This makes me think that maybe, if we treat our bodies well, You can live through us, shine through us with Your hope as You did Jesus, but You haven't found anyone like Him worthy enough? What about people that take good care of their bodies their whole lives, go to church, praise You, help the poor and needy, live by Your law to the best they can and devout themselves completely but still end up with Lymphoma, Diabetes, Heart failure or any horrid disease?

It says in the Bible that homosexuality is a sin amongst many, many other things that make us unpure.

You've made me a woman and I stand before you with supple breasts, soft hands and a pink vagina yet I'm encaptivated by women. If I weren't suppose to see them the way I do as a woman, why am I not a man?

To run my fingers down the nape of a woman's neck, to her stomache and further is like an affluent artist running their hands down Starry Night by Van Gogh for the very first time.

Passing each unique texture, feeling every energy and raw emotion of life within every stroke,

entranced in awe at the beautiful creation laid out before them. It's art to me. It takes my breath away. If this moment of peace is a sin, why am I a woman? To tease me?

To make love to a man and embrace his etched solidity in my core is like melting into the feeling for once in life that everything is just right for that one serene moment. So I find beauty in that instead as to not loose my reservation in Heaven. As I've said before the lines in his physique securing my emotions and my heart with every move, every breath, every thrust, every heartbeat. I don't have a little peice of paper to say I'm allowed to share taxes with him.

I don't have a witness to say how much I love him and he loves me, we just live, everyday, sin or no sin, in love. We embrace each other, comfort each other, bring joy and calm to each other. They are my lovers, my best friends. Do I really need a peice of paper for that? Can't you see it?

I've learned my lesson from drugs. I came close to death and only then for the first time did oxygen taste so sweet, so good, so pure. Only then did my mother's hands on mine feel so peaceful. Only then did I wake up and realize the importance of life itself and I'm sorry I fell so far. I twirled and spiralled into an epiphany of lies my hands were telling my face each time they lifted something to my nose. I've been clean and doing well for a long time. Smoking cigarettes is dumb and I understand that. It scares me some mornings when I cough up disgusting colored mucus and I know it's not healthy Lord. I know I have to quit. However, I drink a cup of wine once in a great while to relax, to enjoy. I may smoke pot once in a great while to relax, to enjoy, to laugh and play.

You made these things. Set them before us and You are the Doctor of all Doctor's, the brain of all science, the creator of all things that exist. You knew that marijuana would have that effect just like you knew metal was a hard matter that could make or break things, kill or save them.

You know more than anyone what kills and what doesn't, what hurts and what doesn't, what's good and what's bad, but you set us out with no clues, no answers and only fear we won't do a good enough job in Your obstacle course.

I can't blame You Lord for the bad decisions I've made. I certainly can't. However, I can ask why. I can be curious to know where this life is taking me. I can ask You is there somewhere better than this? They say it's a place called Heaven. Heaven sounds like quite an effort to get into.

This book, this good book that was written is outdated. There is war, famine, Earthly disaster, destruction, pollution, sin and malevolence circling this world as we know it.

Man is spitting in Your face. Doctor's are trying to defy You. Lawyers are winning judgments for man all over the world as a profession that's highly paid when that was suppose to be your job.

Then there are silently broken, lost, scared children of Yours like myself wandering this Earth and waiting to find out if we're even on the list.

If I excercise, loose weight so I'm healthy, quit smoking cigarettes, never drink again, eat right, devout myself to You and Your works, stop having sex altogether, stop thinking sex, stop feeling anger inside even if someone punches me in the face say "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do" and walk away, read the bible, go to church, give to the needy, feed the poor, love the unloveable, touch the fragile and awaken them with Your word, run through the streets shouting that Jesus is Lord will I reserve a seat in heaven?

I have a good heart. I cry out to You Lord from the bellows of my soul.

I live life in a sense of appreciation for everything You've given us even though it's falling apart.

I wait for a sign and I beg of You to wrap Your love around me and conform my life to You.

I plead on my knees and I cry helplessly for Your forgiveness for things I don't understand are unforgiveable but only natural.

2,000 years ago on a very cold day a man named Jesus died. He rose again three days after.

500 hundred people stood before Him and witnessed His calloused, punctured hands and feet. They saw Him rise and they believed because they saw it.

Now, 2,000 have passed and I still believe in a story long ago of a man named Jesus who taught us all how to love, be loved and enjoy the life we're given. How to treat each other with respect, how to get along, how to trust You when we are down and to walk with You when we are lost because You are the way, the truth and the light.

I didn't need to see it to believe it's true. I didn't need to tempt You or doubt You in order to believe in You Lord and Your message. Stop doubting me. Stop doubting all of us.

So I came to a conclusion.

You tempted us and continue to dangle free will before our very eyes because you wanted proof we were all Yours. You wanted proof of Your followers that they would be loyal.

How much proof do you need exactly? How many more nights can I panick while I lay down to sleep that You're not listening to my cries?

Am I a bad servant, a bad person?

I love unconditionally. I do not judge. I embrace nature and appreciate the wonderful place You've given us. I strive for joy within my being for Your acceptance and I hear nothing.

I give to those in need. I struggle to feed myself, let alone the poor but maybe I should trust You more. I go silently through life in good faith of Your will and I don't speak out against it.

I don't doubt You or Your capabilities or Your love. I walk through this maze, this glass house on my tip toes and still, I can't find You anywhere around here. So this is me speaking up. This is me asking. This is me letting it out. Maybe I'll finally get a good night's sleep.

Goodnight God.

Thanks for listening.

Worry Tracked Carpets

I'm electrified with uncertainty and lost in a shadow of doubt

It's confusing games circle me, leaving me without

Cement fills my ambition as I sit, withering on the couch

Scrolling through the websites I've already checked out

The dishes I've washed three times in one day

and the laundry I folded late and on the floor they lay

The TV bores me and suffocates my mind

makes me wish I was someone else from another time

I wipe the same spot on the coffee table again

I vacuum the floors and roar from within

I try to listen to music and all I hear is hollow knocking

and the sun asks me to come and play, I sit, gently rocking

Time passes and I fall asleep, deep down into a dream

where I am alive and everything is perfect as it seems

I wander the worry tracked carpet, waiting for him to come home

so I have a purpose, I have no where else to roam

I think for a minute maybe I'll take the bus and go somewhere far

then I sit some more, the loneliness hitting me hard

I make dinner when he gets here and I glow with deceit

I'm not happy inside but I pretend to keep things neat

He worries anyway that all I do is sleep

I can't explain what it feels like to wish I were the sheets

I lay down for bed hollow and try to rest my mind

all I hear is the ticking away of time

I wake up the next day and try all over again to make it out the door

make it farther, push myself, try harder to go farther than before

Maybe I'll walk to the store on the corner or actually take the bus downtown

but instead I pace, tracing the same worry tracked steps round and round

The TV calls to my attention, tells me to turn it on, pleading for me to loose myself in it's light

I push the button, I sit and rock, I pace the floor and wait for night

I wash that dish, I hang up those clothes and I sit

waiting for another day where I fake it

Waiting for the sun to come that I never see

and the crisp, silent, ringing sound of nothing calling me

Love and all it's glory, all it's pain

the supposed sunshine after the rain

isn't enough to fix me inside

make these awful fears and thoughts hide

It doesn't hide my loneliness and the simple fact I miss my friends

it doesn't make my phone ring with a pleasant voice on the other end

It doesn't make it exciting to find anything in the mail addressed to me

it doesn't kill the pang in my heart that I chose this life for me

The troubles of my heart

Psa 25:16-17 Turn to me and be gracious to me, For I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; Bring me out of my distresses.

When I was younger, about 15, I was at a Christian retreat with some people from church, a place I knew long ago. It was a four day "Soul-Fest" of  christian related concerts and artists while the youthgroup camped out under a tent. 

I was mad because all the other kids were taking the Gondola up the top of the mountain, attending concerts and eating with out me. I felt left out and alone amongst thousands of "good people". 

I've always been that kid that ends up hanging out with the chaperones because I'm bored or mischeivous and just not part of a group usually, a misfit. 

I was sitting on the rocks by the river, thinking and pittying myself for being such a loner and nearly crying if no one was around.

This woman I looked up to was sitting on the rocks a little farther down. She was a good woman of good faith and character. She had a special glow of God's love that when you looked at her and how happy she was to be in praise, you knew she was a bit of an angel. She was one of the kids mom's, he was a year or two younger than me.

She was simple and usually quiet. She often guided us, talked to us and had a deep, non-judgmental soul that made you think you could tell her anything. 

I climbed down to her and told her my problem. That I was sad I was being left out. 

That it just wasn't fair that no one really took the time to get to know me, basically complaining like a child. 

She listened intently, her brow flexing with her thoughts while she sat on the rocks. 

She nodded and I let it all out. How I have felt alone my whole life and the toll it had taken on me emotionally.

Then finally, after I was done and couldn't find anymore words, her patience must have been remarkable because I certainly am long winded, she began to make sense of this thing called loneliness. She said maybe it was God's turn to get to know me and that this was a retreat to spend time with Him and get to know Him better afterall. She said maybe in times when we feel alone or people leave us out, it's nearly intentional for God to get our attention. 

That I should take time out and really focus on being grateful, feeling alive, talking to God and letting go of all that pain inside from a slew of things from my past and not worry about those kids. 

I was 15, that was simple then. Now I find myself sitting here at 12:36 AM on Friday night absolutely alone and I'm 22 years old. Life has changed drastically since then, college, my own apartment, I've basically grown up. That weekend made me appreciate my real friends at home a little more and I had a desire to show it more. Somewhere with work and life and trying to establish myself as an adult, I've lost them. When I was at home, in NH, they were fifteen minutes or just two hours away and we still all couldn't find time to get together.

A lot of my friends settled down with kids, got full time jobs and the every day life and responsibilities overwhelmed us all and before I knew it, we were chatting online once in a while instead of spending all summer together, laughing and talking and playing games.

I decided that it was too cold at home there in the north and moved to Florida where it's sunny and warm and I can get out of the house. I needed to do it for myself so I thought. I needed a new scene and a bit of serendipity. I wanted to start fresh and rebuild myself and take care of me for the very first time. I moved 1,500 miles away from everything I ever knew. 

It's been three months and I have no job and I'm sad, alone and bored. I'm a grown adult, and although I live with my boyfriend, he works and is tired a lot more than not, so I spend  a lot of time doing absolutely nothing. And when we fight over stupid things, or disagree I have no where to go. I can't decide whether it was foolish of me, whether I should feel guilty leaving the place and time I had, or if I should continue to try to start new. Then I start challenging my character, wondering what kind of person I am and it overwhelms me to think I might be an idiot.

Then I remembered what she said that day. Even though I feel alone and the world can pile against me with all it's stresses, I'm not alone. I haven't been to church in a long time because of personal reasons, dumb ones really and I don't even know where to go around here. Maybe God is making room for Himself again.. haha

He's not here to hug me when the bills come in the mail and I feel like I'm going to fail. 

He's not here to tell employers I'm worth it and need to get a job. 

He's not here to hug me when I feel alone and when I'm staring at a wall.

He's not here when I remember the pain of being alone and whisper it's going to be ok.

He's not here when I feel like a failure.

Then I remember they didn't have much time for me when I was home and I wasn't appreciated and how come they want to make me feel guilty now that I'm gone? Why are they suddenly available? 

The bills being paid do not make me a good person.

Money won't buy me happiness or peace.

At least I have a wall to stare at. 

And I'm not alone.

Maybe I've shut my door to everyone, even Him. Maybe I've forgotten what it feels like to be in His presence and to feel the glow of His love.

Maybe just maybe, He's calling to me right now in my time of despair so that I may remove the old to make room for new. Maybe "life catching up with you" in the adult world is a really bad excuse and I should have made time to be there but I can't take back time, I can't change what I've done. I can only start over new and I'm sorry if I've disappointed you.

With The Wind

The illusions of what you may think people are change with the wind when you bare true to yourself. Sometimes resulting positively, it's a process of elimination or the definition of true friends. You find out sadly that it may have been simple convenience leaving you feeling guilty for allowing yourself to be so kind. I decided to go where the wind was taking me, to feel the sun on my face more than two months out of the year and to recollect myself, maybe even start over new. I find it odd how unsure I am of the sacrifice it took inside to listen to my own heart, opposing what everyone needed, thought or wanted. I've come to a conclusion that no matter how many times I try to explain my endeavors and the weight on my heart to fly, people will think what they want and hear only selectively what they can't understand. They lure me with guilt instead of those rare and true who have excitement and know that no matter where I go, I'm always with them and only a phone call away. It's hard to face, but I'm glad I'm learning those who are truly happy for me. I'd rather have few good friends than have many that don't believe in me or know my heart. The sacrifice of leaving and giving up that comfort of many friends is nearly as heavily outweighed on my heart as deciding whether it is right I do for myself for the first time. Part of me is sad and wishes I could bury my heart's dreams for those who supposedly love me and go back to when it was simple for them to use me but that's the wonderful realization I've come to. I'm proud that I've done something and taken time to listen to myself and what I needed. I'm proud that even if I feel alone, I'm real. In order to build new things anyone knows you have to make room for them by destroying the old.

This is my journey and my new beginning and no one can take that away from me, even with their smug neglegence to answer when I call or write.

And momma, stop telling me how much you need me. It would be nice if you were genuinely excited and happy for me. I've accomplished more in the past three months here than I ever did there in years and I'm trying to make you proud, not hurt.

I didn't leave for any other reason than ones inside myself to go and experience life differently because I am young and free to change.

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/06/01/business/01wind.600.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.nytimes.com/2007/06/01/business/01wind.html&usg=__FMDtJcCY22PaFnxfCmMciEbfKjI=&h=300&w=600&sz=24&hl=en&start=2&tbnid=YdqSoImkgJP7TM:&tbnh=68&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dthe%2Bwind%26gbv%3D2%26ndsp%3D20%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DN

And I found the picture on top at:

http://pubpages.unh.edu/~kay73/CS%20Pictures/sailboat[1].jpg

Weeds

So this is random, but doesn't everybody wish their lives were like Weeds and that exciting where they got to hang out with Nancy all day? She's crazy and hilarious! Nancy seems like she's getting more confident, more stable, getting her shit together, but really, this is all a bad reaction to grief as some would say, and some would say it's her freedom and she's been this rebellious creature all along. Who better to portray the incandescence of Nancy's erotic behavior and stimulating action adventures in a beautifully pale silhouette than Mary Louise Parker? Everyone has options in life, she had some, but in turn, she's kind of lost it and instead of it shining a bad light on the world of drugs and dealers alike, it's showing us real people, real instances, and how someone on public night time news who just got arrested for drug trafficking might have made it to that place in their lives. I love how this show takes what seems perfect and ordinary, classy and ticky-tacky and defines exactly what is fucked up and what we've all known about the world to a much broader audience. Following the "Look Closer" theme of the great movie American Beauty, what you see on the outside isn't always what is within.
I was sitting at my best friend's house who happens to dispense marijuana for the greater good of peace and mankind in the city delivery style, and we began watching this together, from start to finish of season one to three with her boyfriend who also contributes to their casual entrepreneurship and that's the first comment he made after the first season.
"I really like how it doesn't make us look so bad and puts a different aspect on weed." Coke can kill with one blow too many, heroin addicts are the people of lost souls who drift in and out of reality and ecstasy is one of those boxes of chocolates Forrest Gump was talking about.
Actual studies of human's who use THC based products, most commonly known as Cannibas Sativa, Pot, Weed, Mary Jane or dope do not show results of brain damage whereas Heroin is a highly addictive drug derived from morphine, which is obtained from the opium poppy. It is a “downer” that affects the brain’s pleasure systems and interferes with the brain’s ability to perceive pain.
Marijuana does not affect the reproductive system whereas heroin and cocaine are continually growing statistics for birth defects, withdrawal symptoms and still born children.
It is said that there are almost as many chemicals in ground roasted coffee as there are in Weed.
In the 25 to 49 age group, illicit drug overdose is the fourth leading cause of death, about the same number as motor vehicle crashes. Marijuana tends to substitute for hard core drugs which can easily effect the nervous system and bodily functions and even create overdose on a regular basis in proven studies from countries or states which have wavered illicit marijuana use. The common statistics for hard core drug use overdose reported to emergency rooms in those areas have decreased greatly due to the readily availability in Marijuana. In order to overdose on Marijuana it takes 40,000 times the amount of THC Cannabinoids to acutally kill someone.
That basically means, you'd have to smoke yourself 40,000 joints or eat 20,000 pot brownies within a limited, short amount of time, let's say less than an hour, in order to overdose. No one can possibly smoke that much or eat that many brownies without going to the bathroom.
Marijuana cannabinoids are fat soluble and remain in the body in fat cells. People can die from one injection of Heroin, one tab of "E" or ecstasy, one line of cocaine or injection within seconds of taking the drug. Potheads would pass out at joint number five in ten minutes, take a long nap, wake up and eat a bunch of resees and try again, maybe have sex somewhere in the middle.
On this following website is listed a timeline of Marijuana and it's illegal state and how the whole thing began.
http://blogs.salon.com/0002762/stories/2003/12/22/whyIsMarijuanaIllegal.html
It states the most often cause of Marijuana illegalization was due to

• Racism
• Fear
• Protection of Corporate Profits
• Yellow Journalism
• Ignorant, Incompetent, and/or Corrupt Legislators
• Personal Career Advancement and Greed

Most often simulated, the prejudices of Mexican-Americans since the beginning of the 20th century and the government trying to control tax on grown Marijuana plantations and farming regulations have become the major motivation for illegalization with Marijuana. Does this sound familiar from the government? Control? No waaay..
I could understand the useful rights outlawing iilicit, harmful drugs such as heroin, coccaine, opiates and other hard drugs, but I don't understand the prejudices of Marijuana.
My mother told me once when I was younger, she found out I was smoking Marijuana and I thought she would be upset with me and I'd be grounded or in big trouble, but she sat down and gave me a talking to that I think the world should hear.
"If you come home from work and pour yourself a cup of red wine to relax and enjoy, maybe smoke a cigarette and watch TV because you've had a hectic day, then you are not abusing the alcohol and it's relaxing, legal qualities, none of which are medicinal. If you decide to come home after a long day and have six cups of wine, let's say a bottle and a half, then you are in trouble with yourself. It doesn't take that much to relax a little, only a cup or two responsibly in the evening if you are not driving or going out by yourself but if you end up drinking too much, you just swirl and puke and poop or say mean things to those you love, or love mean people you don't know in public and it's no good and that is abuse of anything. The same thing goes for Pot. It does not mean you can indulge or need to in other drugs or common things your friends might be doing, but perhaps to relax a little and have your cup of wine at night after a long day is no big deal just be responsible and don't shout it out loud and wave it all around and act like a dummy.
It doesn't make you poop yourself, it helps you eat better, and I sleep really well on it but don't you go abusing it and messing up your life or we will have issues. Do you have some anyway?"
It was perhaps one of the most proud moments I've ever had of her in my life. I knew she smoked sometimes, cigarettes have a different smell and I wasn't a stupid child, but her reaction, her words were priceless and I still remember her speech loud and clear in my head.
I've had my bouts with other drugs not because of Marijuana but because I was in pain at work and tried different things to make it through the night and got hooked. It was a stupid move and my mother gave me many lectures after rehab, countless times, never the less supportive of my dumb mistakes. Having tasted a little bit of addiction with other drugs because of my own stupidity and God Bless me that I'm alive and well, I think I'll stick to Pot from now on and I'm not ashamed or scared to say so. I don't smoke often, in fact, it's been two months now and I don't think about it much and I feel no sudden urge to have to get high, sometimes after a long hard day at work, I sit and relax with my cup of wine and a joint and watch TV, smoke a cigarette, eat and sleep really well and I like that.
When I was in rehab two summers ago now, I had an amazing Dr to work with. I won't mention names here, but she and I were talking outside for a long time one day in the sun. She kept asking me questions about my addiction, where it started and why, what I've learned and how etc. I told her everything and how low I had fallen, how much I had learned and it was the hardest thing to admit where it started and that it was ridiculous of me to in the first place instead of getting the proper medical help I needed. When I bought up Pot and how it relaxed me and my anxious mind and everything I was going through, she asked me a question I'll never forget. "And what do you think about Pot? Do you feel the same and as low with the other drugs like you can't function and it takes away from who you are, or does it help you, center you? Do you feel like you need it? I won't be with you to tell you not to do anything in the future when you go home, no one will be there to warn you or remind you what you went through but yourself. If you feel like you can't handle pot, then don't bother. One of the most difficult things you'll have to do is separate yourself from other users, even if it's your friends, especially with hard drugs that can kill you. What do you think about pot in those circumstances?"
After all that self reflecting and thinking about life while I was there, and all I had learned from other people's stories, this was the one conclusion I was sure of. We talked about politics and government, stock holders and the economy, drugs and their affects on young kids, sex and how it is in society and societies effect on the world. It was one of the best conversations I've had in my life. I'm very grateful. She was an incredibly intelligent woman who kind of looked like Marilyn Monroe in recent years if she were alive and well. I've been clean and sober for a long time now, I don't drink, maybe a beer once in a great while but I didn't have a big problem with that other than coming down, I needed something to fill in the blanks. I still smoke pot once in a while and there are not any medical anxiety drugs out there that help me eat and sleep as well as calm me down when I'm over worked or depressed, make me laugh as much. I can't overdose and end up back in rehab, I don't feel like it controls my life at all and I feel good. I don't feel dependant on it, it's not hard to say no when I don't feel like smoking and I don't abuse it.
The one thing I learned, which I think relates to all of us from Weeds and Nancy's story, is not to judge the life she lives. To educate yourself about something before you form an opinion.
To break out from the ticky tacky people and all their boxes that look just the same and live a little of your own life and stop worrying about others. The only thing I disagreed with is the gun scene in weeds where they were held captive over some money from weed. This doesn't usually happen to this extreme that I've ever heard of. Potheads are simple and exchange the goods on a rational, friendly term. When other drugs or money get involved, never borrow for large amounts of weed, that is abuse and addiction which is rare, it can cause trouble, it is TV after all.
I don't suggest young kids smoke all the time because of school just like I wouldn't want a young kid drinking because of school and it's just morally wrong, but as adults of all ages, it's not only a medicinal relief for many different types of issues from mental to physical health including cancer patients, but also a common ground as similar to Alcohol but less harmful to enjoy.
So as with anything, even Twinkies, you can abuse the enjoyment. Be careful, smoke responsibly, but live on and live free! I can't wait for season 5 to come out. I've been waiting a long time!!

Educated Nation

I can count to one million, it would take a long time.

I can rant about the history of the dime

and how many presidents changed thier minds

about which bombs to drop on innocent lines

I can read, write,do math and make something out of sugar or glass

believe me, I've been taught, I've taken that class

I can build a small rocket ship, we can send a man to the moon

"We're educated,intelligent" but college graduate really means drunken bafoon

We consider ourselves sufficient, genuine, wise and great

The best! the most smart! but we still have inter-racial debate

While our kids are being raised to think that brain power makes your life complete

instead of heart, maturity, understanding of those we meet

We are a generation of cowards who hide behind these bombs and walls

You have the best grades but you trip a fat kid in the halls

Our leaders who are to bring us to unity

keep our safety and teach humanity

are fighting against each other, waging wars on these lives

for the better of the lands, forget the lonesome widowed wives

We stomp through the forrests because the millionaires need five homes

and we ruin the trees, burn down animal huts to leave them to roam

We call ourselves good people and we judge by political debate

in all societies, we judge each other and determine our fates

There was a time long ago, before I was born where it was safe

you could let your children play, and not worry they'd get raped

while officers of the law stand by and watch the people cry

and say they have treated us all equally, if you're white, they can't deny

I'm an educated woman and a voter that demands respect

I'm a person, a lover and a face, a natural intellect

I'm a tax paying, hard working friend, sister and invisible

I'm your people, we are our people, one nation, under God, indivisible

We are the voice of courage, the hope of future, the next generation

Here I am, screaming for your attention before we fail in exasperation

Listen to your people, listen to this world breathe 

the wind cries it's impossible, we all must leave

Let's stop and think about a simple conclusion 

could we detonate all the H bombs without hesitation

or can we save ourselves, the educated guests 

of this world which may suggest

we are living in hell if there are so many alone

and dying because of the unseen, the unknown

Can we forgive each other and work on world peace?

People wish for it and get laughed at, teared apart, peice by peice

is this hope of a new nation, or lost cause, a dying pursuit

or can we stand under one sky, creating happiness, or is it moot?

Dear Mr. President

I heard from a wise woman tonight that if I'm having trouble in my relationship, break out a deck of cards or a good word puzzle book. She said sometimes the mind can go crazy especially when going through tough times like we are and we tend to take it out on the ones we love the most and say things we don't mean to each other. She said so many things I never thought of before.

We fight often lately, mostly because we are under a lot of stress and even though we're madly in love, we're also just plain mad. 

I left a job and a life that was comfortable and stable and I didn't even know it. When I met him it was a while ago now, but in the beginning, we both had boring, stable lives. It's funny how you appreciate something once it's gone like a person. 

I got up everyday, numb just the same, but I got up and went to work and came home and did the same thing everyday and every weekend was nearly predictable. I ate well and as frequently as I wanted. I spoiled myself on a dollar store item once in a great while. I had my car and money for gas and a good head on my shoulders and for the first time I thought I was beginning to heal. I had a roof over my head and a warm home and good friends but I still couldn't see it. 

He had nearly the same minus a job. I didn't know in the beginning, but after talking I've learned that this wise woman had a bad back a while ago and needed his help so he stayed home everyday, every weekend and fed her and helped her and sacrificed his own freedom for her. 

I assumed he was just too deep to get a job. Sometimes depression weighs you down and post trauma lifestyles become habitual so I chalked it up to nearly lazy or incompitent.

He had a roof over his head, food in his belly, coffee every morning, warmth and all the things that we consider stable but neither of us had true love. 

We walked right into fate and each day is a learning process. We decided to make a big move not only in our relationship, but in our individual lives and up and move to Florida from New Hampshire. We both needed to get out of that poor, cold weather and heal a little bit in the sun. We both needed to start fresh and were excited about the opportunity to do so.

We've both been through a lot and some of it similar, some very different kind of pains.

We got here with a dream. Sometimes we don't always agree and just sometimes we don't get along and we are two very different creatures. Sometimes it's like we naturally balance each other out. I'm crazy and eccentric and irrational and impulsive and carefree and loveable and senseless and clumsy and he's smart and logical and organized and rational and intellectual and everything it seems at times, I'm not. 

But the one thing we agree on is our love for each other and wanting to make a life together.

We both want a nice house. We want more than a house with walls and a ceiling, we want a home to call our own. We want to be able to go to work, come home and eat dinner together and watch the news and maybe go for ice cream or to the beach. We both want to be independent and wholesome. I said once that the object of love is not to be perfect but beautifully imperfect and to work together as a well oiled machine, not against. 

We agree that we have the same dream of loving each other, to have and to hold, regardless of life's quirky stipulations. We have run into some major issues that is challenging our relationship greatly. 

We have no more money and we are 1500 miles away from what we use to call home. We both have too much pride to admit we need help and we are hungry and fight about food a lot. Getting a job seemed like it wouldn't be so bad since we're both well-rounded, smart, hardworking people or so we thought. It's been a few weeks now and we're totally broke and it's been such a conflict for no reason. Money can't buy you love or passion. It can't buy happiness. 

I keep reminding him that this too shall pass. Neither of us are perfect and say horrific things when we are mad and tonight, for the first time, he almost left, literally.

It stirred my soul and made me want to puke that it has come to this. 

We got into a fight and I followed him all the way down the street as he was trying to thumb a ride. Finally my heart had enough and started to wail. I let it out. I spoke with my heart and not my stomache or my aching, racing mind. 

We calmed down after a long time of crying on the curb down the street. 

We both fell to the ground crying. Could our dreams be crushed? Could this really be happening?

So we talked about life, at least I sure as hell did and I came to a conclusion that I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else. I love him and he loves me and we need to work through this. We can't give up before we even begin. Life is going to be a series of trials and tribulations. We will be tested and our faith will be challenged. Our characters will be judged and yes, perhaps we'll be hungry. We've been eating ramen and other stuff. Our friend we are staying with has been so gracious. She took me out to a Mexican grille which was cheap and I saved him half my plate.

That's all he ate Friday other than when we scrounged for change for more food at the supermarket. Then I sucked it up and asked my sister for help. She's such a saint. I don't want to be needy of her. She's already done so much but I have good intentions to pay her back for everything which I'm not sure I truly ever can. Either way she sent a Western Union Money Order and we bought some staple foods with it but they're almost gone and that's what we fought about tonight. He wanted to eat a sandwich and I was concerned about eating tomorrow or the next day in case my money doesn't clear. 

I found myself on my knees in the middle of the road at the end of our drive, pouring my heart out to him to make him stay and stop sticking his thumb out all because we're poor. 

He called his mother, the wise woman, and she said we need to invest in a deck of cards and some puzzle books so we don't go crazy. She said we can't do it without God in our lives and to pray because it's impossible without him. 

Things are fine now. We both talked to her on the phone for a long time about life but I'm still in awe that I gave up everything that was normal for my dream and I feel like I'm tredding water. 

I just want to be able to have a bed, and some food, and a house of my own, and a job and a dream again. A fire inside my soul, something to be passionate about.

When did America become like this? Can anyone answer me how so many people have 10 houses and cars when some can't even buy shoes? Like I've said, communism only looks good on paper and money can't buy anything except some cheap puzzles maybe but perhaps, just perhaps this world will stop and help each other. 

Tomorrow I'm going to research some soup kitchens if any in the area and see what I can do about unemployment. Maybe Tuesday I'll storm Washington and tell the president a thing or two (don't get me arrested I hardly have the balls) about life and how it is. 

I don't oppose immigration, I certainly am a mutt myself, but why do I see new guests in our country driving Escalades and wearing health cards like it's going out of style when a Vet is on the curb with a sign saying "Will work for food" and he served, maybe got shot for us and our freedom of disposable income?

Dear Mr. President,
Come take a walk with me.
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me.
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly.

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street?
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep?
What do you feel when you look in the mirror?
Are you proud?

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why?

Dear Mr. President,
Were you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
Are you a lonely boy?
How can you say
No child is left behind?
We're not dumb and we're not blind.
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pave the road to hell.

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away?
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay?
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine.

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry?
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Can you even look me in the eye?

Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing 'bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
Oh

How do you sleep at night?
How do you walk with your head held high?
Dear Mr. President,
You'd never take a walk with me.
Would you?

-Pink is brilliant :O)