Momma said there'll be days like this

I hate the idea that everywhere I turn lately, I mean reflectively, I'm not an idiot,
but everywhere I go, people are reminding me how much I suck or disappoint them.
When one person tells you that you have a big huge purple dot on your forehead,
you tend to blow them off, and you go through out your day as normal and
everyone else says you do NOT have a purple dot, then the likelihood of not
having that dot is slim and you won't double check in the mirror.
If you walk around and every single person tells you that you have that
huge fucking purple disgusting dot on your fucking forehead, you
will go running to go wash it off as quick as you can because let's face it,
no one wants to walk around with something unknown, like purple dots
we can't see or death or mistakes, the big word, the end all judgement doer,
a simple, idiodic upsetting mistake. We tend to walk blindfolded
and never run to double check ourselves until we find out we
have anything obstructive to our outer image.
It started off with you telling me I said this or that and it affected you.
Then it turned into every one I meet.
This lead me to believe I needed to doulble check myself. To knock down a
few notches, to peak in the mirror and scrub off any uneven, poor surfaces
and marks of mistakes from that chocolate I never should have eaten.
I began to torture myself wondering if what I said was wrong that day and eventually,
it ate at me before I went to bed. You all in your own way tell me I have no filter,
I am completely, genuinely, 100% babble mouth, so much so you consider
me "The Voice" if I were to be a super hero.

You all run to me with your issues as I sit and attempt to be
soft and kind and reasonable with my response.
I never sugar coat anything.
I'm tired of looking to see if I have a fucking dot.
So what if I do?
If I disappoint you, I'm not sorry.
I'm tired of being shit on because I am not sensitive enough
for your ego's and I call out the truth as I see it.
Don't talk to me.. I'm no good for you.
My warning label is too long to print.
Believe me when I say I'm not what you expected.
Don't waste your time if I drive you nutsor what I say or do
offends any of you.
The few amazing people on this planet who genuinely love me for me,
thank you so very much.
For those who think I talk too much,
I say too much or not enough, I drive you batty or you think I'm really
rude...
Which is 99% of you all
Don't bother asking me if I wanna talk anymore
I give up
Somehow I ruin things
I push people away and create unnecessary havoc because
of my beliefs in freedom of speech.
I have no filter..
I will steel your fame.
Don't leave it out.
And of course, I'm the most untrustworthy, unloyal,
back stabbing bitch cunt you could ever meet especially
when my heart is so small. I drink hatorade for breakfast,
lunch and dinner and I have no soul.
Don't bother with me.
Save yourself the time.
Leave me be so I can crawl into a hole and remember I will never be
good enough for any of you.



One day I will wake up in MY own bed, in MY own home,
and get into MY shower, get ready in MY bedroom while my kids are running
around, (someday) and I will get into MY car,
and drive to the grocery store and buy dinner
for MY true friends.
Later that evening I will be standing in MY new beautiful
kitchen scrubbing dishes and reaching for the soap and I'll
laugh and sigh at the quietness through the house.
I'll reflect on how wonderful dinner was and how well it
went for the seating arrangement and how proud I am
to be Susie FUCKING Homemaker and that my yams
came out good and I didn't over cook the sauce.
I'll be skinny, thirty, flirty and thriving and loving my life
and even though I don't have 1 million friends there for dinner
I will have my small handful of friends who
appreciated me, had the balls to talk to me to my face,
respected me, loved me unconditionally and
didn't mind the once upon a time when I didn't
have anything more to give than a good hug and
I will be in my glory, standing in
MY life, and loving each and every one of MY true
friends..


In case you didn't get the mental picture,
I will never be susie homemaker, skinny or
republican. I'll probably never have a house and I'll
never be able to make my sauce not break
before my yams come out of the oven.
But one thing I hope I do have is
Chinese food in my teensy two bedroom flat
with people who respect me and have the balls
to tell me I have a purple dot when they see
it not when I've walked around with it on all
damned fucking day.

So there.


I am using a picture from the famous French Toast Girl's blog.
I hope she doesn't mind.
This is her link. You should all check her out.
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.frenchtoastgirl.com/weblog/images/fourteen.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.frenchtoastgirl.com/weblog/2007_02_01_archive.shtml&usg=__5ZV49BnMdwd88SDdqSTu0en3nlE=&h=464&w=430&sz=32&hl=en&start=10&tbnid=tsdMeP6mpjqjIM:&tbnh=128&tbnw=119&prev=/images%3Fq%3DMAMA%2BSAID%2BTHERE%2BWILL%2BBE%2BDAYS%2BLIKE%2BTHIS%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG
~http://blog.edgarvincentbautista.com/2008/05/10-stress-busting-tips.html
~http://louisagiffard.com/blog.pl?id=9
~http://isitladolcevita.blogspot.com/2008/09/mirror-of-me.html
~http://www.entrepremusings.com/index.php/2007/08/29/comments-now-working-and-fortune-cookies/